In between being done with uni and coming home:

I haven't really been writing ever since exams ended but finally, I'm forced to come onto this platform after exhausting every single video and drama that I have been wanting to watch. My eyes are stinging from staring at the computer screen for about 8 hours, and my head is starting to hurt. So then I thought, what a better time to start writing whatever that comes out from my head now? I'm the best when it comes to timing. 

As usual, I'm always plaguing myself with a lot of unnecessary thoughts when actually, everything is fine and there isn't anything to worry or be sad about. The last few days were spent catching up with different friends that I've come to meet over the last 4 years here in Melbourne, some older, some younger, some closer and some not so close ones. It has been a while since I've actively tried to put myself out there to talk to people around me besides the ones that are the closest to me. 

The lesson learnt is that sometimes small talk will give you bigger perspectives in some things. As much as I hear people complain about how tiring it is to engage in small talk, I still believe that by making the effort and reallllly opening up for a conversation is something that is well needed by anyone. Humans are inevitably social creatures, no? 

I've had pretty good conversations with my friends in the last couple of days, with other days in between just spent alone at home, hidden under the sheets watching youtube videos. It's all about the balance. 

As the future draws near, with regards to work starting and a whole lot of uncertainty ready to freak me out, I'm constantly telling myself that it is okay and that change is really the only constant in life. Being someone that is a creature of habit, adapting to change usually takes me a while to get used to and the thought of packing up everything that I own here in Melbourne, meeting up with friends I've come to love and know here in Melbourne and eventually moving back into the same room I used to sleep in when I was 5 all the way till I was 17, scares me. Going back to something that "I know" is still something that I'm worried about because Singapore has been always associated with "holiday" the last 4 years and changing that association back to "home", as easy as that may sound like, is still going to take a bit of effort. 

I was skyping my mum yesterday and she told me, "it's been 4 years and now you're coming home. Come home, Rachel. Home is good." 

I laughed and told her, "Being home is always good, Mummy."

reasons why i've been finding myself crying the last 2 weeks:

1. stress from exams, the thought of failing, the scariness of not being able to do finance questions and answer the audit questions right

2. the future. job prospects. old people telling me that i should just take it first, help take off some of the financial burden from your parents. peers telling me that i don't belong in this industry, it's not for me,  I deserve happiness and fulfillment. a friend I know recently left his auditing job and went to work for the smart local. I asked him if the industry switch was worth it. he told me, "fuck yes? You put in so many hours for audit but it's 0 fulfillment. At least over here I feel satisfied and job fulfillment is at least within reach." another friend that's already in the place i signed a contract to work in told me, "well if you're going to do audit, be prepared for total shit." .......how shit is shit? i'm already envisioning myself with 0 social life, pulling all nighters and working long ass hours in small ass rooms that clients put us in. I see myself hating my job, coming home crying on some days because there really isn't anything nice about sitting in front of a laptop working on cash flow statements and balance sheets all day. But at the back of my mind i hear my mother telling me to suck it up because at least you have a job. why can't you see that? no one ever likes their first job? you can move onto better things anyway, like that bank job. like that compliance job. what about that law postgrad you were talking to us about? 

I ONLY SAY THINGS YOU WANT TO HEAR BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. I talked about the PR jobs, the advertising jobs, the post grad in journalism, but all i get are shakes and sighs from all of you. "We paid so much for you to get that overseas degree in accounting and finance, but this is all that you want to achieve?" "if this were the case, you were better off staying in poly and staying in a local u." 

I can't even disagree with those statements so wtf am I supposed to do. 17 year old Rachel hated herself back then and 21 year old Rachel hates 17 year old Rachel for making this decision so what do I do now? 

3. graduating. because, #2.

4. my life (as dramatic as that sounds) because, #2. my mother told me that i shouldn't for a second ever harbour the thought that my life is terrible and drown myself in sympathy and "complain that you don't get to work in a job that you like, because, here's the truth Rachel, NO ONE EVER WORKS IN A JOB THAT THEY LIKE."

5. exams. because i fucking hate accounting and i fucking hate finance and it's a shame i'm graduating with sub par grades that will get me nothing in the banking and finance industry. sorry i'm a failure for what you guys carved me out to be.

chin chin & lynnie

Today I had 2 friends drop me texts of encouragement for my upcoming exams. I want to blog about this because I want to remember that there are people that do in fact, think about me and care about me. Ha. Blogs are meant to be self-indulgent and self-obsessed, so I'm going to go right into it - no frills and shit. 

These 2 friends were once people that I held so, so close to my heart. If I were to think back on my early years here in Melbourne, they would be the ones filling up 80 to 90 percent of my memories. I miss every single bit of them, and for a while, I used to miss them so much. But as time went by, we all found our own groups of friends, we moved onto more important, self-defining relationships - helloooooo boyfriends, and I guess we all just drifted apart. No fights, no drama... just time doing its thing coupled with a bunch of taken-for-granted lazy excuses not to hang out because we were always "too tired" or "rushing for a group project". 

Separated by silences over messages, and the other separated by seas and land - we barely keep up with each other. The only way I know how they're doing is through social media platforms and that's it. They're always the people I still genuinely care for but lately, I've been shit at showing concern for anyone but myself. 2016's been a bit lacking in the department of showing care and appreciation to the people around me. I'm working on it. 

But today, they both thought of me and dropped me texts wishing me good luck for exams. Despite all three of us being completely rubbish at replying messages, the fact that they even managed to search my name, because our chat is probably wayyyy down in their whatsapp homepage, is such a thing that I should be grateful for. 

UGH I was just telling Jodie that I can't even remember what it felt like when I was living alone in College Square and I really can't remember how I spent most of my time before Jodie moved to Melbourne. 

But today, I just remembered that my time in college square was spent knocking on the doors of my friends living there, having dinner together, making mulitple froyo runs and having running man marathons in my small, but cozy little apartment. 

It's amazing that time flies so fast and in 14 days, I'm done with my undergrad studies. 

Intentions and Perspectives: A'A

Look...I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to ask you if you're okay. My friends always feel the need to tell me things, seems like they're just happier than us these days. Yeah, these days I don't know how to talk to you... I don't know how to be there when you need me. It feels like the only time you see me is when you turn your head to the side and look at me differently. 

Yeah, and last night I think I lost my patience. Last night, I got high as the expectations. Last night, I came to a realization and I hope you can take it: I'm too good to you. 

I'm way too good to you, you take my love for granted. I just don't understand it. I'm way too good to you. You take my love for granted, I just don't understand it. 

I just know I found myself getting lost with you. Lately, you just make me work too hard for you. Got me on flights overseas, and I still can't get across to you.

Years go by too fast, I can't keep track. How long did we last? (I feel bad for asking)

It can't end like this.

You got somebody other than me, so don't play the victim when you're with me. Free time is costing me more than it seems... sacrificing things, and I wanna tell you my intentions- I wanna do the things that I mention, I wanna benefit from the friendship, I wanna get the late night message from you. I'm way too good to you. 

Drake, you lyrical genius, you. 

Reforget.

Scientists are still not sure whether dark energy exists, 

or what role it plays in the universe, 

but whenever you and I went stargazing at midnight 

there was nothing surer than the way those constellations danced across the sky like lovers, 

joining hands, and how we laid on the grass beneath them, 

or sometimes made love on a picnic blanket until one by one, 

every star burned out. 

But now I find myself leaving you voicemails a little less frequently, 

and usually now when I Skype it’s to talk with my sister or brother, 

and sometimes I wonder what the inside of your apartment looks like now, 

since it’s been so long since I last saw it, 

or whether you have some other girl 

who knows you as well as I used to.

Stop claiming territory as if you were ever entitled to any.