1 Week Of The Movies

I got introduced to this really cool place where I can log all the movies I've watched and I'm trying it out. And I'm slowly curating a list of movies that I've always wanted to watch but never found the time to. 1 movie a night, that's what I'm telling myself to try. Also starting my days with a very interesting set of podcasts and I'm so excited to learn more about these things. I've been consciously trying to dig out new information and learn things that I'm interested in my free time. But most of the time I'm constantly finding myself excuses that I'm too tired from work or wanting to just take a break and not do anything with my free time so I don't learn new things.

And I'm always filling this blog up with all the sad shit.

Well this post isn't a post about sad things and about losing friends/people that I love.

Last night I rewatched 500 days of summer and I felt like there were more lessons that I've gotten from the movie compared to when I first watched it when I was 13 and idealistic. I mean, I'm still idealistic and I probably romanticise the fuck out of situations even though I try not to.

Tonight I watched 10 Things I Hate About You and I am absolutely in love with Katrina Stratford. She's smart, witty, doesn't give a fuck about people. And the whole film had punk rock girl bands and 1999s fashion! Heath Ledger was also great ideal boyfriend that any girl would fall for like wtf! that huge moment where he stole the mic and sang Cant Take My Eyes Off You with the band...!! Every hopeless romantic would swoon at that scene. Was cute.

And so we'll continue with the podcasts and movie watching and trying to force more information and knowledge and conversational topics I can have with different people because I'm honestly sick and tired of knowing so little and being so boring.

"We should stop only having these catch ups at the back of the cab" / "Hang out with me more la"

So Cheeks and I were discussing on the movie "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" and she brought up a really good point - where she said Josh was confused and initially wanted to entertain the thought of dating Larna Jean and then he focused on how he was losing her as a friend. And there was another scene towards the end where LJ was talking to Josh and told her that before she met Peter he was the first person that she really liked because of who he was, and when she met Peter the feelings for Josh disappeared and she realised that she was in love with Peter and not Josh. That scene where she was trying to confront her feelings for Peter and she said if it wasn't real and he didn't want her then that's fine. But if it was real and he didn't want her... Josh then cuts in telling her that at least she will know and we have to tell people how we feel when we feel a certain way.

I don't know. It's a stupid romcom that's probably perfect for 17 year old me but there were some good scenes in there I guess. I was just thinking... if LJ met Peter and realised that her feelings for Josh were only platonic, like best friend platonic... I wonder if whatever happened this year just made me think how I still always wanted the same person after all and if anything - I miss the friendship over all the physical things. 

I love both my best friends and I'm starting to realize that maybe because I'm so dependent on people, I find too much comfort and built too many shelters in the people I love. I can't decide, I can't decide. 

But one thing I know for sure - you always have my heart in so many ways, A. 

Making demands.

Tell me you miss me. Tell me you miss me like crazy and then say you're sorry for hurting me that time when you weren't honest but defended yourself and completely invalidated my feelings and made me feel like I was the psychotic one. Tell me you want me, that you are certain. Say you're sorry for going back and forth. For not taking this 10 year friendship into consideration and willingly let everything crumble and not fighting hard enough for this. Come down to my house in the evening, not at 3 am to tell me you like me again. Tell me over and over again how much you want me and not only when we are in bed, almost always intoxicated with fumbling hands trying to undress each other in the dark. Tell me you how I make you laugh. Ask me about my day, don't just drop a few coherent texts after days of ignoring me and then continue to talk shit again. Ask me about my family, and I want to know more about yours. Ask me out - you haven't done that since Artbox. Have better conversations with me - we used to do that. Call me on random nights to check in like you used to. 

Lastly, be brave to want this enough, because they keep telling me to be brave enough to let you go. 

10 years on

2 minutes ago she asked me if I still remember you. How can I forget? I replied. I'm the oldest grand child and I spent the longest time with him. She told me that I never wanted her to carry me whenever I cried, but would always crawl into gong gong's arms with him soothing me, "shh, it's going to be okay. It's okay, gong gong is here."

How can I forget? He was always the one protecting me, buying me ice cream, buying me the prettiest dresses and always coming over on hot sweltering afternoons with bags of fruits and paos when we moved out of Toa Payoh. 

I don't think of gong gong very often but tonight when she gave me this huge lecture about how my dad's temper is bad but his intentions are good - just like my gong gong. I felt this overwhelming sense of anger, guilt and sadness all at once. I wonder how my relationship with gong gong will be like if he was still alive now. Would I have lost all that biased perspective and slowly realize his flaws that caused my father to become what he is and ultimately project that onto the way he brought Joshua and I up? I don't know. 

I miss gong gong because when I was was younger, he was always a source of comfort. Someone that I could run to, someone that would express his love so outwardly, boldly and with certainty - I knew he loved me. There were no mixed messages, no scolding and then immediately demanding affection. I was taught what unconditional love was from him and as I grow older I'm starting to realize I don't see this anymore. Everything I do feels like a trade, always giving always wanting to take. The past few months I've been constantly giving and giving, not really believing that I have anything mine to take. Not thinking that I deserve anything more than whatever I'm receiving - which in my case is less than what I deserve (that's what my friends say, at least). 

I'm slowly sputtering towards an attitude of resignation where I accept things for what they are, with no expectations and no reason to want anything more than what it is. On the other end of the spectrum, my best friends are back in town and I want to fill myself up with conversations, art and good jujus. 

Anything new distracts the old, but how can I forget. How can I forget. 

11 June 2018: A Love Letter To Rome

So here I am, sitting on the beautiful balcony in our Airbnb in Rome. It's 8:30 PM and the sun is about to set. My lack of descriptive vocab will never be able to accurately convey the beauty and serenity this city brings about, but I am trying my hardest. The city of Rome is filled with so much beautiful architecture, people and skies. My heart raced today when I saw the piazzas, the concrete statues built by the ancient Romans - artifacts that have lasted through decades and weathered through so much. I hope I never forget how this feels like. It shifts things a bit into perspective you know, that I am but a speck of dust in this universe. Being able to zoom out and look at the bigger picture, I guess. People leave. Everything is temporal. 

I look up and I see the skyline of old Italian houses mixed with the silhouettes of domes - churches, basilicas, statues of mythological creatures and roman soldiers defeating lions and octopuses showing signs of strength and triumph.

Never would I have imagined exploring Rome for the first time alone. I went to so many places, took in everything in silence and tried to absorb as much as I can. My feet are sore but this is what I am grateful for: The luxury of time, the fresh air and freedom. I am here! Now. Alive, present and sitting on the balcony watching the sky burst into shades of purple, pink and blue hues. There are little to no clouds in the sky and the sunset is enchanting and I am so in love. There is a breeze and soft beats playing from a rooftop bar somewhere nearby. 

I wish I could capture this moment and keep it in my memory forever. I am so at peace right now. Rome, you're a first for me. I've had many firsts this year and you're one I thoroughly enjoy. I love every alley, every old Italian concrete wall, every monument, every piazza, basilica, temple, church and park that I had the opportunity to chance upon today. You are exploding with stories of the past, historical sites filled with pain, triumph, worship, religion and essentially stories of how the people of the past used to live.

I am grateful I had this time alone out here, forcing myself out of my comfort zone and challenging myself to navigate with just google maps and a paper map. You are a special one, Rome. For now, this is enough. I'm taking in deep breaths and looking out into the skyline. The sunset, oh my God. God has made life so beautiful. I am so thankful. I am okay. I am enough. This is enough. 

I love you, Rome. Thank you, Italy.