PERSPECTIVE

I'm currently chilling at the grandstands of Ngee Ann's sports complex and as I type this, I've got some good music playing in the background, and my friends all having fun with soccer (the only reason why i'm not playing is because I'm in these damned jeans). It might not be much, but this is by far one of the best views. My best views. The best friends, it's not too hot, it's slightly breezy and I wish I won't forget this.

To all my friends

No matter where life takes us nothing can break us apart

Dear diary,

I am writing this post, ignoring the fact that there are people reading this. Tonight, I've come to realise that I'm going to miss my dad so much when I'm gone. I know that my dad and I had some rough times, when we had gone close to a month without speaking to each other. But he's always been my rock. He tells me what's right and what's wrong and still calls me his little girl. He wants the best for me, and only the best he doesn't want me to suffer like he did and make the same mistakes he did.

Josh's been away at church camp and the house feels seemingly quieter. No banging and clanging, no mum nagging at him to go study no dad pouncing on my brother asking him for a hug. It's just my parents and their quiet talks and me leaving them alone while I do my own things. Today my dad told me he wanted to get a proper camera and start taking pictures of joshua again. Because he has come to realise that when I was a kid, there was so many pictures of me growing up, bit by bit. But when Josh was a kid, there weren't many photos of him and my dad thought this would be a good time to take some pictures before it got too late and there's nothing to look back on when we're all grown up and moved out of the house. I honestly think my dad's afraid of growing older. Or maybe seeing us grow older. Sometimes I wish I could stay his little girl forever. The one he always complained about when I was a kid I didn't know how to say no and just kept eating until I puked everything out. Being daddy's little girl and listened to him when he told me to sit by the beach in australia to pose for a shot but ended up getting stung by jellyfish and it was my dad who carried me all the way and trying to hush me while he rushed me to the nearest place for some ice.

Had a talk with my parents about my future over dinner tonight. It wasn't any much of a lecture or a nagging type of talk where I'd usually zone out. Mum was understanding about the whole me not knowing what direction I want to go in the future and told me to take my own time to figure out what I wanted. My dad gave me a whole breakdown on why I should go with this path and what I could gain from it. It was never about him making me follow him in the footsteps of this field it was him trying to educate me and protect me from being conned, or bullied in the future when I came out to work.

"You can be stupid Rachel, but you cannot ever be financially stupid because that would ruin your life. You understand?"

He's my dad. Someone I can always look up to when I need help, some one that always thinks of the best way to protect his children from anything and he's all mine.

The screen's getting all blurry and shit while I'm typing this and I blame all of this on PMS.

Happy happy friday. Spent it with Jodie Jamie and Aralin.
My last week of legit tutorials and lectures start next week. It's pretty scary, actually. I really am going to miss my tutorial classes and sitting in lectures with the whole bunch of friends i've made during this time in poly. And of course, looking forward to aerobics every friday. Aerobics, with good music is really fun I swear. Thinking about it always gets me down to a biggggggg sigh. CT week after next week, and then it's goodbye ngee ann. What the shit I thought I was just blogging about how excited i was to start school since when did time pass so fast. WHEN.

I think I'm just going to sleep this off for tonight.

Terminally Chill

If I ever got around living, it's going to be the life I dream.

Just got John Mayer's new album. Words cannot express how happy and excited I am. John Mayer is a musical genius I'm not even going to tell you why but you should just listen to his music and feel the sincerity in it and all it's good vibes.

Today was just one of those days. There's not really a way how to describe this feeling. But it's the kind when you just refuse to do anything your brain tells you to do. Like bathe when you get home. No. I went into the warm loving arms of my sofa and slept there for the whole afternoon. Get up and do your homework. No. I went to shower and ate dinner. After dinner I just watched tv and afterwards proceeded to use my laptop. Feeling all forms of regret for not completing my long due POA homework and BSTATS homework. Horrible.

I just want to spend the rest of my days in bed moping and crying and feeling all types of sad. To get everything out of my system. I just need to feel. And stop being so numb all the time, because it's killing me. If I actually know how that feels. Because evidently I don't. Do I make any sense? I don't even know.

Common tests are coming and i know it doesn't matter because I have no GPA to worry about but deep down I hope that i'll study and do well because even if i'm leaving or not that feeling of not doing well for anything doesn't feel that great, does it?

Also, tonight I talked to one of my friends that I haven't spoken to in about 4 years. Turns out she's going to laselle to pursue dance. And I'm truly happy for her and it's amazing she's following her dreams and everything. Then I remember talking to some of the people i've met in Ngee Ann during this short period of time, asking them why they chose to go into their respective courses. Majority of them know what they want to do in life, what they want to be when they grow up, which dreams of theirs they're working hard to fulfill.

Some go into design school because they want to be a designer, an artist. Some go to medical school because they want to be a doctor, some go to business school with the dream of starting their own business in the near future. I can't help but feel a tiny bit of jealousy whenever I hear them talk so confidently about their aspirations and what they want to achieve when they grow up. Because honestly I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know why I'm taking banking and financial services. My answers are all fucked up. I went into BFS because it would be a waste since I took econs for O levels. Why did I take econs? Because my dad didn't let me take literature as a core subject and said econs would be a more practical subject in the future. Which is true, but then again.... What are MY dreams? MY aspirations? What do I want to be when I grow up? I have no fucking clue. None at all. Is that normal for a 17 year old girl? No dreams no aspirations. I'm goalless, aimless. Pathetic.

Suck it up suck it up suck it up suck it up.

Today it hit me like a fucking wave. I thought I had everything under control, managing my feelings my thoughts telling myself: lets just leave it when the time comes. It's going to be okay. But no I can't leave it as that. My room is being packed up bit by bit, boxes all over the place, my mum's consistent nagging at me to pack up my shoes, my bags, my clothes, get everything sorted out. Counting down to when I end my maths tuition, counting down to CTs, 2 more weeks. This explains the cravings for every singaporean delicacy i can think of. I'm scared. Down right scared and terrified. The panic attacks are starting to happen I know so I can feel it coming. My heart beats faster and faster everytime I think about it. I cry in the shower because I suddenly thought of the scene of me leaving. I'm so scared of being alone of facing something new, somewhere I've never been to, some place foreign.

All these thoughts are coming back to fucking haunt me.

Family days are sometimes what i crave for. Sub-consciously, of course.
Started off with meeting my best friend, Mistika for breakfast. Talked so much we lost track of time. Parkway in the morning will always be our kind of thing, I swear. Went home and then went to the beach with my family. It was really tough because of the painful weather. Followed by a wonderful dinner with my extended family, catching up with my cousins and everything.



film cameras I've missed you and your magic.

It does feel better now that I've told my poly friends that I'm leaving. At least there's no more secrets and stuff.
School's been pretty tiring but I'm surviving. E learning week next week which means I won't be able to see my homies in school :(
Then after that it's going to be common tests and then I'll have to submit my withdrawal form from ngee ann already. wow wtf why is this happening so fast my whole class doesn't even know they're going to be short of a classmate soon and i don't know omg 2 more weeks................

So here's a useless rant about my favourite tv show 90210. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I am so happy at the fact that it's renewed for season 5 with a bunch of other CW shows and it's going to be out this fall I honestly can't wait. The ending wasn't a huge cliffhanger but I honestly thought it was sweet enough. The best part was Max and Naomi, in S3 they were so amazing and then they broke up in early s4 and I actually thought since Austin came into the picture, Austin and Naomi might just totally seem like the perfect couple and Austin gave up his player ways for her and shit so I thought they'd be together for a while. But no. And then in the end of this season, Max came back and I'm like dshfsdakflsjgkri and i swear all the other guys that naomi has dated throughout the season (besides Austin) was to get over max. And almost every episode, I'd feel so sad for Naomi because for God knows what reason I can feel her loneliness. Like she tries to hide her emotions and be as strong as she can possibly be and oh my lordie the ending was sweet and the build up was rather intense as well. They should just totally get together and get married and have cute little kids ok? NO MORE DRAMA PLEASE MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THEM BREAKING UP AND GETTING BACK AND BREAKING UP AND GETTING BACK TOGETHER I MEAN MAX JUST GAVE UP SUCH AN AMAZING GIRL AND A BEAUTIFUL AND I'M VERY SURE EXPENSIVE WEDDING TO BE WITH NAOMI AND NAOMI JUST GAVE UP A JOB OFFER IN NEW YORK AND THREW AWAY ALL HER PRIDE WHEN SHE BARGED INTO THE CHURCH AND SAID ALL THOSE STUFF, SO REALLY. NO BREAKING UP PLEASE.

Annie and Liam forever. I ship that. Liam should piss off from Silver because THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE SRSLY this is the part I get pissed off at the scriptwriters. When Liam first came in in the end of S1, he was supposedly in love with naomi. then he got with naomi's sister. then back with naomi. then he fell in love with annie. then it was on and off with annie. when Ivy came in, it was ivy for a while and then back to annie. then this season it was annie then vanessa and then now silver?!?!? ARE THEY MAKING HIM OUT TO BE A MANSLUT OR SOMETHING?

And also, Silver and Navid should just stick together and get married and have babies before any more drama about silver's cancer get revealed in season 5. After all that crap they went through in Season 4 to get together, with adrianna going ape shit and stuff, I mean they should've just stuck together and never break up. Yes, I ship Silver and Navid.

Dixon and adrianna............... totally unexpected relationship since I always thought they were just good friends. Maybe in the next season they're going to hook adrianna up with austin at the rate they're showing things and hopefully Dixon doesn't get cut off the show or something lol maybe the writers made him die in that car accident or something or brain dead i dont even know but they're storylines are quite useless this season.

IVY AND DIEGO. I totally get that they love each other and shit and like they're both hippies and rock that idgaf swag attitude thing but the ending was really retarded, she should have just stayed and not fly to mexico to find diego and stuff i mean come on she hasn't completely gotten over raj. Speaking of raj omg that intense 2 episodes where they showed raj appearing and ivy finding raj and raj dying oh my lordie i remember sobbing my eyes out i mean ivy and raj are so perfect for each other the last episode of season 3 showed it all during the chase and the wedding i mean i knew raj was going to die soon but sigh it was depressing when he died and ivy was just going mad.

Okay whatever all in all, I love naomi and max. Always have, always will. :')
 this is a long rant and if you bothered to read this through, thank you.

^.^

Today was "wear your secondary school PE shirt day" and thus the perfect excuse to camwhore and stuff instead of doing other useless things like figuring out how to use the excel spreadsheet or trying to remember what is nominal and real GDP.
It was a fun afternoon with the best company. It's only because of them that I find the motivation to drag myself out of bed to get my ass to school I swear. I wish things would just stay this way, simple and easy.

I think I found a way how to make myself feel better. I've spent about an hour reading and taking down notes and addresses of all the thrift stores/op shops I want to visit and I'm not going to lie, I'm so excited. So excited to dig through the heaps of clothes and maybe find something special.

Take one down every week, I tell myself.
Since they all close so early I'll most probably take them down by areas during the weekend and I need to learn how to get around fast. These small quaint little thrift stores all with amazing reasons behind it are waiting for me. And I'm waiting to explore them, too.

Maybe going through all these photography blogs with their amazingly beautiful shots of melbourne might not be the right thing to do. Maybe it isn't all that it was made out to be. Maybe it was all the filters and the special film used, the appropriate lighting just to capture that beautiful shot that made melbourne look like it's so magical and wonderful. I sometimes try to tell myself that, so I wouldn't get too disappointed with what I see. But in the photos, maybe it's the old brick walls, victorian buildings, small little cafes with the most unique names and interior design, the narrow roads leading to small shops, each one seems to welcome you in with open arms, makes me feel like going there.

Momentarily, I somehow forget that I won't be having many friends over there then all the "what ifs" start coming out. What if i can't find anyone who's as interested as I am? What if no one wants to explore these small little places in Brunswick or Carlton with me? I'm actually fine with travelling alone, but what sucks is that Melbourne is not Singapore. I don't know how to get there even with google maps because I don't get the transport system, I don't know where to alight, where to walk, what if I get lost? It's always better when you have company. Hahaha this is the point where I tell myself to fuck it and just go explore alone. But I can't seem to do that. Especially when it's a country I've never been to before. I guess I'll just have to find friends then.

Sorry that was useless ranting right up there and I need to go for a run asap. I can feel all the fats and unhealthiness getting into me since I've given up on touch rugby.

hey i just met you but this is crazy-

Tonight was amazing. Every part of it. It's been a while since I've felt this happy. And the support from my friends are really........ I don't ever want to imagine myself doing this alone and I swear without my lovely friends I wouldn't have made it this far.

I know it's hard to feel so happy till you feel so warm and fuzzy inside, so I'm just going to go to bed with this happiness and remembering what was being said to me tonight. Bla I'm so incoherent right now i don't think my sentence makes any sense but screw it.

I don't know if you guys read this, but thank you for everything not just tonight but thank you for being so amazing for the past month or so it's really a miracle that i've managed to find friends that i feel like i've known since forever. Love you guys so much.

Just got the email for TCP a few days back. Honestly, if I weren't going to Australia and shit, I would have done so many things differently. I would have signed up for the scholarship, be as nervous as all my other friends, have the chance to dress in formal wear for a legit reason, maybe pee in my pants when I got the invitation to the TCP talk because I honestly thought I wasn't good enough after what my cousin said to me back in jan. If I weren't leaving, I'd click "Yes, I am attending" for the TCP talk and gloat around in front of my 25 year old unemployed cousin who told me that I might be overestimating myself when I told him I wanted to get a scholarship or into TCP. But enough with the "If I weren't leaving" because now everything's different than what I thought I would be doing. I didn't sign up for the scholarship, I clicked "No, I'm not interested in TCP" for the RSVP, I am left with nothing. Then again, think about the big picture. Moving on to something else better, something good. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not the slightest bit. I cannot. Well I guess we always think back on things and how we somehow imagine how different things would be if we took the other route. Well, at least I know I do that.

It's been tiring, and I can feel myself falling sick. It's horrible enough that I'm feeling sick, but now I'm falling sick? hahahahahahahah it's so amazing.

I think the sickness is starting to mess with my head. A few nights ago I dreamt about australia again. Maybe it's because I was on a stalking spree, looking at all the photos I could find of my friends living over there, and wonderfully taken photos of melbourne in some photo blogs I follow, I actually had a nice dream about it. For the first time, no nightmares. I dreamt that I went to the Victoria market, bought some grapes and went to the nearby park and just sat under the sun and talked to my friend, whom I cannot seem to remember..... But melbourne looked wonderful, beautiful, exciting. I woke up with positive vibes exploding out of me, with all the happy thoughts of: I'm so going to that flea market when I get there, the people look so nice, the place looks so cool I can't wait to live at palmerston maybe my housemates won't be that bad, maybe I might be happy there.

But I seem to be forgetting something. That transition from Singapore to Australia, the part where I have to say goodbye to everyone I've known for my entire life.

Last night I had one of the weirdest and somehow... a relatively nice dream? Dreamt that I had everyone important in my life and just to name a few, my clique jamie nicole jodie pam sam, ame aralin sasha glenda cassie and the poly friends i've made come serenading me "It's not just you" by Cody Simpson before I left for australia or something alone that line.

Haha, based on the two dreams i've had recently, I think my brain is fried.

There comes a point in time that you realise that there's so many things to do but so little time. But ha, don't we always complain that there's not enough time for everything?

A few things I'd like to do but never actually got to it (yet):

1. Those 2 god damn rolls of film from my fisheye that has been living in my bag since forever and I never got around developing it.
2. Paint. I found a brand new canvas at the back of my shelf, and rediscovered my whole pencil case filled with acrylic paint and 8 paintbrushes that I used to love with my whole life back in primary school when I actually believed I was talented in something. No. I suck at painting and I have zero creativity when I stare at something blank. But I still want to relive that feeling of holding my favourite 7-thickness brush and dipping it into paint.
3. Wear something nice out. School everyday = shitty clothes. Weekends..... I don't really dress up much I don't know why.
4. Have a pet plant. I miss loely, the aloe vera plant I murdered in sec 3.
5. Clean up my fricking table because it's always in such a mess I feel like the mess is slowly cluttering up my brain.
6. Paint my nails. Haven't done that in a long time.
7. Use my film cameras again, they feel so neglected but I can't help but always seem to find an excuse to not use them. I don't really go out much anyway, I stay at home and rot. What pictures do I take now...?
8. Go back to TK one day and eat prawn mee and feel at home.
9. Be happy. The type of happy that makes you feel like your heart is going to explode burst into flowers and rainbows and sprinkles and shit. So happy that you feel invincible. Like no one can hurt you. Even yourself.
10. I'd say: Fall in love. So hopelessly and deeply in love for this point. But it's just the sappy part of me that wants it. I think this point just contributes to the point above that I want to be happy. Not feel this empty and alone all the time.

As you can see, majority of the points mentioned above are not completed because of my best friend procrastination.

Last night I lost it and now my eyes are so puffy and swollen I'm so amazed that I could even open them today. I feel so tired. But there's just so many useless things to do, so many things to think about, so many people to please. I'm starting to scare myself, I'm afraid that I might actually lose it.

Never imagined we'd end like this

It was nice running into you today, actually. Even though I wouldn't call it "running into you". More like recognizing you the minute we stepped into orchard central, immediately taking cover trying to walk past you without you noticing and a split second later, hating myself for even recognizing you that fast and no matter how hard I tried to force those memories out of my head, they came back again. Even after 1 year. A year and it still haunts me.

In all honesty, a small part of me hoped that you would turn and look at me the time I looked at you, and maybe you'd recognize me too. A small smile, a nod in return, or even that annoying smug on your face would be fine. But no. I freaked out and I ducked. The only thing that was going through my head was: He might look at me and glare at me like he usually does. Or he might ignore me. Rejection, rejection, rejection. I didn't want that. I couldn't deal with anymore rejection right now, so I decided on running away. Simple.

Too many memories. And they kind of kill. It really sucks. Knowing someone and getting so close to someone, sharing almost every single holiday memory of 2010 with them, being best friends, long talks on the phone, the endless messaging.... comes down to nothing now. Not even friends. No talking. We barely even know each other anymore. It really is sad. All that I'm left with is memories. Nothing but memories and saying "Last time we used to....." "We used to..." "I remember..." Past tense.

Everyone tells me you're a dickhead, a douche, an asshole. But I don't blame you. I stopped blaming you, me, everyone. Because I've realised you can't help who you fall in love with. I liked you at all the wrong times and you fell for her. You can't blame your heart for feeling the way it is.

So before I freak out and run away the next time I might see you again, here's a whole bloody entry about how I feel after seeing you for less than 2 minutes.

Maybe it's the long bus rides and horrible songs my ipod chooses to put on when it's on shuffle mode. Or maybe it's the PMS that's kicking in. Could be the mad weather, or the sudden change in environment I'm in. Haha, or it could be the fact that it's already may.

I know i've been going on and on about treasuring every single moment and that shit but it seems like I don't know how to. Every time I think of something, anything, it leads me back to the same old crap and it goes over and over again until I get so tired of it.

It's tiring. Catching up with all these things that seem to be fading away. Trying to hold onto them and never let them go. It's true. Some days really stay gold forever. I can't keep thinking of going back. I'm tired but that's an understatement.

I guess it's just one of those days you just blast John Mayer and Taylor Swift songs and sit on the floor and cry your eyes out about everything sad in your life. Cry and cry and cry and get everything out of your god damn system so i'll stop feeling so fucking disgusted with myself all the time. Maybe blast some loud, bangy, angry, angsty music and drown in the beats and bass and hopefully try to forget this feeling for a while. It's hard to shake it off. I've tried, and it's not easy.

Hahah maybe everything's happening because I should have seen it coming. It's my fault. Happy Mayday, guys.