Just got the email for TCP a few days back. Honestly, if I weren't going to Australia and shit, I would have done so many things differently. I would have signed up for the scholarship, be as nervous as all my other friends, have the chance to dress in formal wear for a legit reason, maybe pee in my pants when I got the invitation to the TCP talk because I honestly thought I wasn't good enough after what my cousin said to me back in jan. If I weren't leaving, I'd click "Yes, I am attending" for the TCP talk and gloat around in front of my 25 year old unemployed cousin who told me that I might be overestimating myself when I told him I wanted to get a scholarship or into TCP. But enough with the "If I weren't leaving" because now everything's different than what I thought I would be doing. I didn't sign up for the scholarship, I clicked "No, I'm not interested in TCP" for the RSVP, I am left with nothing. Then again, think about the big picture. Moving on to something else better, something good. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not the slightest bit. I cannot. Well I guess we always think back on things and how we somehow imagine how different things would be if we took the other route. Well, at least I know I do that.
It's been tiring, and I can feel myself falling sick. It's horrible enough that I'm feeling sick, but now I'm falling sick? hahahahahahahah it's so amazing.
I think the sickness is starting to mess with my head. A few nights ago I dreamt about australia again. Maybe it's because I was on a stalking spree, looking at all the photos I could find of my friends living over there, and wonderfully taken photos of melbourne in some photo blogs I follow, I actually had a nice dream about it. For the first time, no nightmares. I dreamt that I went to the Victoria market, bought some grapes and went to the nearby park and just sat under the sun and talked to my friend, whom I cannot seem to remember..... But melbourne looked wonderful, beautiful, exciting. I woke up with positive vibes exploding out of me, with all the happy thoughts of: I'm so going to that flea market when I get there, the people look so nice, the place looks so cool I can't wait to live at palmerston maybe my housemates won't be that bad, maybe I might be happy there.
But I seem to be forgetting something. That transition from Singapore to Australia, the part where I have to say goodbye to everyone I've known for my entire life.
Last night I had one of the weirdest and somehow... a relatively nice dream? Dreamt that I had everyone important in my life and just to name a few, my clique jamie nicole jodie pam sam, ame aralin sasha glenda cassie and the poly friends i've made come serenading me "It's not just you" by Cody Simpson before I left for australia or something alone that line.
Haha, based on the two dreams i've had recently, I think my brain is fried.
