An open letter to my grandpa-

Dear gong gong,

let's just start off by saying that i'm sorry. It's not that I intentionally forgot that today makes it 2nd year that you're gone. It's scary actually, how much things has changed in a short 2 years.

I still vividly remember what we were doing when it was your first death anniversary. It was a weekend and everyone of us had to go over to Ayi Hoon's place for a dinner and she painstakingly cooked all your favourite dishes to eat in memory of you. And trust me, that steamed chicken was good but it could never be as good as the one you always cooked. I never said it out loud because I know she was trying so hard to make it taste like something you cooked, to maybe feel as though like you're still around, you know? Everyone was trying so hard to be okay with it, but I could see the look on mum's face, Ayi hoon's and ayi pat's face. It's painful when someone you love so much leaves. And when they decided on an impromptu sharing session of their favourite memories of you, they all cried one by one. Mama couldn't take it and went up to her room. Mum always liked telling us the last few memories she shared with you, ayi hoon liked telling us stories of what you did to them when they were younger, and your amazing story on how you quit smoking, ayi pat liked telling us stories on how she worked hard and gave money to you and mama when she just finished school.

I still miss you from time to time. But I can feel myself forgetting the small things, and some of the memories are getting quite blurry. And I hate that because I don't want to forget. This is part of growing up and moving on I guess, you just forget some things along the way. I don't want to forget your smell, but I think I already did. I don't want to forget your voice, but I think I can't really remember how you used to say specific words. Haha that weird cane thing you always used to help circulate blood I used to pick out the sticks and you used to scold me for that. I know we always used to have this huge language barrier because you spoke some dialect that I could never understand, and as we all grew older I got lazy trying to talk to you and mama and I guess that really stopped us from getting closer. But I remember when I was younger mama used to call me "wa miang" (darling) and you used to always scold me for being so playful and shout in exasperation "kee si lang oh!" (it'll be the death of me) and I used to put these two together and somehow it would make you laugh so hard. And I just realised that ever since you passed on, I never said that again. Sad, huh. Mental note here to maybe say it to mama when I'm back in Singapore. And tell her that she's beautiful. Like what you did, remember?The last weekend before you passed away, we were kind of talking and I asked you if you thought mama was pretty, you laughed and said "I think she's beautiful." I think that was the best last memory I had of you and I'll never forget that.

I guess there's always some things that I won't forget. Like the love you have for mama. Because of the way you act, you showed me what "till death do us part" and staying together "in sickness and in health", I mean as cheesy as it sounds. Every Sunday, how you would spam call our house because you never liked being late for church, how whenever mama had to get onto the car you'd hold her and watch her just in case she would hit her head even though there was a maid to help her, you wouldn't because you wanted to be the one to take care of her. How even though Ayi Hoon banned you from driving the car, and how mama wasn't allowed specific kinds of food because of her health conditions (esp durians) you would still ride that stupid old rusty bike (you refused to get a new one) and go to the nearby market and buy mama whatever she was craving for.  The love you have for your family, your daughters and your grandchildren. How whenever mummy was sick no matter how old she was, you'd call home and check on her. You'd even sometimes bring over porridge and stay at our place and talk to her if she was on leave. How you would always try to keep up to date with how ayi hoon's business was going, how kor kor, jie jie, joshua and my studies were going, always telling us to give you our exam dates so you could pray for us. How when I was in primary school you used to pick me up from tuition and I was always begging you to let me buy macs and then one time when I spilled coke all over in the car, you didn't scold me and you helped me clean it up when it was all my fault. How you tried learning english like simple "okay" "hello" "thank you" just to talk to us, and we all thought it was really funny.

Sometimes I feel like I don't think of you enough, or I don't miss you enough. Okay scratch that, I KNOW I don't think of you enough. It sometimes sucks like how someone you love someone that meant something to you is gone but yet everything goes back to normal and nothing changes. So tonight, when Jeanette was sharing stories on her grandparents, I shared mine too and I miss you. It's been 2 years and I know there's so many more to come I guess I can handle it but for now, I'll think of all the good memories I have of you because I don't think of you enough. Wish I could be there with mummy tonight because it must be hard on her since she was the one you doted on the most. I won't ask you to be with her because I know you already are. You'll always be in our hearts gong gong, I love you.

I've become disgustingly hollow. I read so much that I've come to realise that there is so much things that are worth doing, thinking, writing about. And here I am wishing I was something better. This empty feeling always gets to me sometimes and I guess it's just one of those days. And so because of my lack of words and my horrible writing skills, all I can do is relate to quotes I read off the books I'm currently reading or blog posts that I see on the internet.

It always gets so annoying. Why can't I actually be good at something. It seems as though I'm breezing through school and it feels like a blur, I don't exactly dress well, speak well, my vocab sucks and sadly I'm not able to string ridiculously complex words together to make everything sound so sophisticated, suck at math, suck at science, average for economics, blergh, can't paint to save a life, my photos on film suck..... lack of this lack of that -all that other superficial physical discontent shit insert here-

Ew I know so self absorbed and I guess in order to hate yourself you kind of have to be like this once in a while. Or quite a while. I'm still getting the hang of this whole.... existing thing.

urgh its gross to keep talking about these things.

Contradictory. Gets so upset when people keep things to themselves but at the same time doing the exact same thing. Ha. But who's to say anything since there's nothing to talk about. Hold your tongue, swallow your words be so careful because every word is like a knife and it's going to hurt the people around you. Keep it up and you'll lose everything you love. No position to speak anyway no place in your heart to stay in- t's useless. Everything is useless.


On another sad note, I lost one side of my favourite sock and I'm really pissed.
The sock has been found, I repeat, the sock has been found.

so self obsessed disgusting horrible humans are fucking downright disgusting how can you even bring yourself to do such things and live with yourself live with the constant reminder that you even manage to live with yourself HOW i cant look at you that way again hahahahah i have lost it all i have lost faith how can humans so such a thing and how can using "immature" as an excuse money bought you out money saved you from going where you ought to go no matter how much i thought you were nice you are still downright evil possessed disgusting fucking despicable haha how could you do such a thing how can you live with the fact that you basically murdered 4 innocent people mentally how HOW that is horrible self obsessed arrogant self love is good but too much self love too much pride too much arrogance too much is too much society is fucking messed up disgusting im so disgusted by you so disgusted so disgusted with everyone

So here's a rough update on how my week and weekend was. I know it's a little late since it's already wednesday but......

It was quite a good weekend, where I attempted to cook one of my favourite Singaporean dishes-
Yu Pian Mi Fen Tan (Sliced Fish Noodle Soup) and I guess it came out pretty good. Even though it didn't exactly taste like it, it was slightly close to the original so it's considered a success to me since it was my first attempt in my sad 17 years of life to cook soup. When I say soup I meant soup from scratch. Not those canned soups where you just add water and boil.

Also went to my uncle's place to celebrate Hari Raya on Sunday where his wife, who is malay, cooked all these amazing dishes which included lontong, satay, chicken renndang, ketupat, and those crazy good snacks that I basically devoured.

Received a letter from Pamela yesterday and it basically made my night. My love for personalised/hand written stuff has not faded. I doubt it ever will.

It's all these small events that makes me feel like distance doesn't matter, yknow? Receiving handwritten letters, cooking singaporean food, eating malay food....... Feels like home.

On another note, spring is coming! I can feel it. This week has been so much warmer compared to the past few weeks of crazy cold wind blowing in our faces and icy raindrops hitting our heads all the time, today the wind wasn't cold and the skies are clear. Spring is going to be amazing.

And of course, not forgetting spring collections appearing everywhere on all the online shops/catalogues. I am in love, once again.

So in celebration of Spring 2012, let us admire some of the photos from the amazing photoshoot for the catalogue of Wilfox's 2009 spring collection because I am completely obsessed with grainy orangey vintage coloured photos, crop tops, flat stomachs, ombre hair, high socks, late 80s - early 90s fashion, bare-faced, freckled models at the moment.

So this video came up and I've been wanting to watch it. Argh I realllllllllly miss all my friends right now and everyone's hugs. Haven't hugged anyone lately, and this - this video just reminds me that I've always got my friends behind me no matter what circumstances, no matter how annoyed and frustrated i get over here. 

haha I kept smiling, I'm glad this was recorded. Laughed at the part where Jamie cried and I started to cry even more and then Ame started crying, it was the crying circle. Thought I'd only have that as a memory in my head but turns out it got recorded.

I also got to see things that I didn't manage to catch while I was busy being a mess that evening. Like how I can see Sasha mouthing "Love you" when I was hugging her, how I could see cheryl turn red and cry when we hugged and remembering what I told her. Looking at the background of the video where I see Josh walking around, TF01 people hanging behind, the poly homies sitting in a circle at the back.....

Thank you Jodie for filming this down, I'm really so grateful.

Thank you to all these crazy, fun, loving friends that I'm so blessed and lucky to have. Trust me, it gets lonely here sometimes and I swear no one gets my funny jokes and no one gets me like all of you do. I miss all of you guys, and I really can't wait to see you all again. When I say can't wait, I really mean I can't wait and I start planning out what to do for the 14 days I'm going to be home.

So tonight I'm just going to recall every single detail from this event and miss all my friends over and over and over again until I fall asleep. 

Watching this video just makes me smile like crazy in front of my laptop. I'll never forget this day and how I managed to see everyone I love all gathered in one place just chilling and laughing. It reminds me that these people are always here for you no matter what and I love them all so so so much words cannot comprehend I'm just-

speechless.

This is definitely an amazing memory to keep forever until I grow old. Thank you to all my wonderful, lovely, amazing, crazy funny friends that was a part of this unforgettable night.

:')

breathe.

Another week has passed by so quickly. It has really been mope week sometimes I wish I could just rip my heart out and rid myself of all these unwanted emotions. Or maybe it's because my period is coming  and I'm just getting way too emotional over stupid things. Blergh WHY can't I be the cool person who has a blog and actually uses it productively and blogs with amazing english, beautiful photos yada yada whatever screw it.

I am the queen of mope. Things I have done the past week because of my shitty attitude towards life in general so far:

1. Completed a 8km run under 50 minutes.

2. Get even more grumpy in the mornings and gave some fuckass attitude to my housemates who don't deserve it at all.

3. Cry myself to sleep (as pathetic as this sounds......... gdi)

4. Sit ups and crunches before I sleep to make myself sleepy (didn't work)

5. Stare at the ceiling for 1 hour before knocking out convincing myself things that I should believe.

6. Got drunk. (unintentionally, actually.)

7. Puked. AND I HATE PUKING BECAUSE IT IS SO PAINFUL ESPECIALLY AFTER DROWNING HALF A BOTTLE OF VODKA. 

8. Woke up, felt like shit and moped in my bed and decided on not going for 2 lectures in the morning because the mopey feeling wouldn't piss off already.

I just wanna roll around on the floor and just be. 

Maybe I should do that. 

But no I cannot because life goes on I still have to google easy, delicious fish noodle soup recipes for Sunday because I am cooking and I need it to taste good or I might kill some people. Life also goes on because I have a stack of assignments that I am about to drown in if I do not complete them. 

And god damn these crazy ass drunkards outside on the street STOP TALKING SO LOUDLY I WILL RIP OUT A KNIFE AND KILL YOU. I have been thinking really angry thoughts recently it's actually quite scary since I don't exactly get angry with people easily. 

Like on monday, this indo boy in my class he really knew how to get on my nerves. It was lit tutorial and we were going through one of Shakespeare's poems about the 7 stages of man and we were asked to share which stage did we think we were in or in between. This smart ass decided to share that he was  a part of all the 7 stages where he could be a young boy, a matured man, a lover bla bla. 

And then the teacher deicides to call my name and asks me to share my views with the class. Since a part of the stages went in this order: young boy, lover, matured man etc. I said that I was in between the young schoolboy and the matured man and i skipped the lover. She asked why did I skip the lover and the first thing I said was "Because honestly I feel that at this age, we don't exactly know what love is. So we can't possibly be convincingly in love with someone and think we would want to get married and settled down with." And this son of a mofo bitch decided to laugh after I said this. AND BECAUSE YKNOW I HAD A DAMN BAD MOOD ON MONDAY I NEARLY WANTED TO STAND UP AND PUNCH THAT COCKY ASS FACE OF HIS AND RIP ALL HIS HAIR OUT. Yes visuals. I had fricking visuals of me doing that and I was that pissed. I mean REALLY I respect your fucking smartass cocky views and you shut up and listen to mine. SO WHAT IF I THINK THAT  I DONT EXACTLY KNOW WHAT LOVE IS SO FUCKING WHAT. 

ok i am so riled up talking about this i should stop being so angry lol 

You build walls to keep yourself in

It's beneath you to blame anyone else for your mistakes, your reason for messing up.
Should have known, should have known.
Never going to let this happen again, coming to a realisation last night-
You're the cause of everything. Such a funny thing, crying over stupid stuff like these when you finally realise its no one else's fault but yours.
In order to save yourself, to stop hurting those around you, keep it in.

And I deserve this. I deserve all of this because I know what I know and you don't. There's no way to fix what I am, what I was, what I will be. I am the cause of this because I am simply...... Not enough.

Don't worry, I'm not happy I'm not sad not depressed haha im basically not feeling. I've just reached what you might call..... Elightenment. Self realisation is such a important thing. I've reached my inner peace, balanced the yin and yang, whatever you call that shit. Fuck.

It's all in your head but you can't think straight

It seems as though as weeks go by everything seems to be getting tougher, the people I love getting more distant, the people I kind of dislike seem to annoy me even more, these disgusting thoughts haunt me even more every day it's like i'm going in circles again with these feelings and thoughts. Weak. So bloody weak I hate myself for being this weak. I need to toughen the hell up asap and stop feeling this way.

Or maybe it's PMS............. ok excuses.

Evidently the problem lies with me and not with anyone else but why can't I stop blaming others for the cause of this misery or some sort...... I can't say I'm miserable but I'm not happy. So i'm just in between. Always caught in between. Not living up to any expectations but just mine and it's not even happening. 

Ha.

Poly kids are starting their exams the coming week and I can't really do much or say much except try to make them feel that little bit more encouraged with a whatsapp message to them. Sorry I'm not there but here's all the love I have sending it to you via cyberspace from Melbourne. You guys have been studying so hard, I can see it from the WA conversations, the tweets, talking to you guys individually. Everyone's stressed and studying very hard. You guys will ace it, i'm so proud of y'all. 

On another note I desperately need to stop looking back at photos and getting hit by waves and waves of nostalgia because I can't take any of this shit right now. I need to stop wondering if anything has changed if everything would be different than what it was when I'm back. hahahah i mean okay overthinking rachel strikes again. What could possibly change in a short span of about 2 months? I need  to stop thinking. (....and hit the gym more)

Whatever. I looked at some photos today and I guess I'll just share it over here because I can.

Dear friends, remember this? Please don't forget. 

Oh god I'd kill for some time chilling and tanning with my best friends at sentosa right now.

You see this is always what we will end up being. But I guess for the time being I'm okay with that. It takes time, I know so I guess I should learn how to control my emotions as well as you do. After all, I did this before so why am I finding it so hard now? Ha.

Also I hate not being able to see my friends almost everyday and it's weird keeping up with what they're currently feeling by their blogs/twitter. I just want to be there when they're feeling like shit or in a bad mood and able to just see them face to face and talk about the stupidest things and sing the most annoying songs that would most prolly cheer all of us up.

The week started off rough but I guess it could be worse, so I shouldn't be complaining. Already mentally starting my countdown to when I'm coming home and hopefully things haven't changed so much over this period of time. :(

I guess I'll just sleep it off for tonight. Too many thoughts.

The past week was a shitty one. No amount of words can full express how much love I have for these bunch of my closest, bestest friends that helped me survive the past week. Bryan, Ame, Nicole, Jamie, Yingzhong, Jodie, I don't know what I would have done without all of you by my side. Fuck the distance.

Can't wait till the 22nd of September till I can see all of their wonderful faces again.

urgh so frustrating i wish there was a delete button to all these feelings. So does growing up really mean that you start fighting your own battles and get your own scars and your loved ones can only just stand there and feel completely hopeless and useless and sorts of pathetic. I mean we all fight our own battles, but damn, why is it so hard to tell someone that's doing the same to feel better. A little bit hypocritical I know, but when you love someone all you want them to feel is happy. Or just better than what they are feeling at that moment, no matter how broken up you are inside you tell them that it's going to get better and that everything is going to be okay.

But almost all the time, we don't believe one another. Maybe because we don't believe it ourselves. Ha, takes one to know one. 

Lol it's quite hard to imagine two people so broken up but still falling in love with each other, how does that actually work. I mean lol sorry it doesn't make sense to me right now. If I'm this screwed up all the fucking time, and you're screwed up too then how do we make anything work, if you get what I mean. How do you make the other person feel better when you're screwed up yourself, i mean won't you be lying to the other person and also lying to yourself if you say that everything's fine and everything's ok when it's obviously not? Words of comfort is definitely not my forte. Well, that's me and I think I'm not going to be liking anyone for quite a while. Hahaha there's just too much emotional burden to feel this much for a person so fucking far away from me, and maybe it's all just in the head. I give up. At least try to.  

No wonder it's hard to find couples that stick together for so long. Because when things get so dysfunctional and messed up, everyone just runs away instead of solving the problem. 

HAHAHA OK FUCK IT WHO'S UP FOR JOINING THE NUNERY WITH ME AND TAKING THE VOW OF CELIBACY? 

on another note, my friend just told me that when her ex broke up with her, one of the "comforting" sentences he told her was "During the 18 days we were together, I did love you." 

I MEAN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK LOL BOY YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB I MEAN 18 DAYS DYOU EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS LOL LOVE IS DEF NOT MAKING OUT ON THE BED AND SHIZZ YKNOW THAT'S JUST YOUR BLOODY HORMONES LOVE LOVE LOVE I LOVE YOU YOU LOVE ME THAT WORD IS JUST USED TO FUCKING CASUALLY I WANT TO PUNCH THE NEXT PERSON WHO GETS INTO A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP FOR 18 DAYS AND SAYS I DID LOVE YOU WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER LOL IT OBVIOUSLY TAKE YOU ONLY 2 WEEKS TO GET OVER SOMEONE YOU "LOVED" HAHAHAHAHAH SO STUPID LOVE WHAT IS LOVE. 

G Y M

So I recently just joined the UniMel gym and Sherwynn, Jasmine and I promised ourselves that we would go to the gym every day for this one month. So far, so good.

Yesterday was hardcore day when we did 2 classes back to back. First one was bodypump, which consisted of weights, adding weights, arms toning, legs toning. Nearly died when we were doing push ups my arms were trembling. SO WEAK. And then right after that we stayed for bodystep which was step aerobics and let me tell you, there was only less than 5 minutes of breaktime throughout the whole workout session. It was crazy intense. But exercising feels good........... but not the aches. Man my whole body is aching. So unfit.

Really wanted to go for the Cardio box class on sunday but they require us to buy handwraps and i don't really know if I should buy it since I'm only going to join the gym for a month..... argh was looking forward to it.  :(

So it's 4:17pm and I'm back home planning to start on some math, and off later to meet the girls before heading for another round of bodypump. I have no idea how my arms and legs are going to survive this. But I guess they just have to. I desperately need to get rid of all these disgusting fats ew.

Anyway here's some photos to show my excitement about going to these classes:



Rachel says go to the gym because it's good for you!


It helps to burn carbs and keeps you fit!


Well.... except for the muscle aches, they're not really fun.

Oh yeah and one last thing. I got myself ribena. Here's the holy ribena shrine.