Dear gong gong,
let's just start off by saying that i'm sorry. It's not that I intentionally forgot that today makes it 2nd year that you're gone. It's scary actually, how much things has changed in a short 2 years.
I still vividly remember what we were doing when it was your first death anniversary. It was a weekend and everyone of us had to go over to Ayi Hoon's place for a dinner and she painstakingly cooked all your favourite dishes to eat in memory of you. And trust me, that steamed chicken was good but it could never be as good as the one you always cooked. I never said it out loud because I know she was trying so hard to make it taste like something you cooked, to maybe feel as though like you're still around, you know? Everyone was trying so hard to be okay with it, but I could see the look on mum's face, Ayi hoon's and ayi pat's face. It's painful when someone you love so much leaves. And when they decided on an impromptu sharing session of their favourite memories of you, they all cried one by one. Mama couldn't take it and went up to her room. Mum always liked telling us the last few memories she shared with you, ayi hoon liked telling us stories of what you did to them when they were younger, and your amazing story on how you quit smoking, ayi pat liked telling us stories on how she worked hard and gave money to you and mama when she just finished school.
I still miss you from time to time. But I can feel myself forgetting the small things, and some of the memories are getting quite blurry. And I hate that because I don't want to forget. This is part of growing up and moving on I guess, you just forget some things along the way. I don't want to forget your smell, but I think I already did. I don't want to forget your voice, but I think I can't really remember how you used to say specific words. Haha that weird cane thing you always used to help circulate blood I used to pick out the sticks and you used to scold me for that. I know we always used to have this huge language barrier because you spoke some dialect that I could never understand, and as we all grew older I got lazy trying to talk to you and mama and I guess that really stopped us from getting closer. But I remember when I was younger mama used to call me "wa miang" (darling) and you used to always scold me for being so playful and shout in exasperation "kee si lang oh!" (it'll be the death of me) and I used to put these two together and somehow it would make you laugh so hard. And I just realised that ever since you passed on, I never said that again. Sad, huh. Mental note here to maybe say it to mama when I'm back in Singapore. And tell her that she's beautiful. Like what you did, remember?The last weekend before you passed away, we were kind of talking and I asked you if you thought mama was pretty, you laughed and said "I think she's beautiful." I think that was the best last memory I had of you and I'll never forget that.
I guess there's always some things that I won't forget. Like the love you have for mama. Because of the way you act, you showed me what "till death do us part" and staying together "in sickness and in health", I mean as cheesy as it sounds. Every Sunday, how you would spam call our house because you never liked being late for church, how whenever mama had to get onto the car you'd hold her and watch her just in case she would hit her head even though there was a maid to help her, you wouldn't because you wanted to be the one to take care of her. How even though Ayi Hoon banned you from driving the car, and how mama wasn't allowed specific kinds of food because of her health conditions (esp durians) you would still ride that stupid old rusty bike (you refused to get a new one) and go to the nearby market and buy mama whatever she was craving for. The love you have for your family, your daughters and your grandchildren. How whenever mummy was sick no matter how old she was, you'd call home and check on her. You'd even sometimes bring over porridge and stay at our place and talk to her if she was on leave. How you would always try to keep up to date with how ayi hoon's business was going, how kor kor, jie jie, joshua and my studies were going, always telling us to give you our exam dates so you could pray for us. How when I was in primary school you used to pick me up from tuition and I was always begging you to let me buy macs and then one time when I spilled coke all over in the car, you didn't scold me and you helped me clean it up when it was all my fault. How you tried learning english like simple "okay" "hello" "thank you" just to talk to us, and we all thought it was really funny.
Sometimes I feel like I don't think of you enough, or I don't miss you enough. Okay scratch that, I KNOW I don't think of you enough. It sometimes sucks like how someone you love someone that meant something to you is gone but yet everything goes back to normal and nothing changes. So tonight, when Jeanette was sharing stories on her grandparents, I shared mine too and I miss you. It's been 2 years and I know there's so many more to come I guess I can handle it but for now, I'll think of all the good memories I have of you because I don't think of you enough. Wish I could be there with mummy tonight because it must be hard on her since she was the one you doted on the most. I won't ask you to be with her because I know you already are. You'll always be in our hearts gong gong, I love you.
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