Getting really sad about the fact that I am about to complete my cinderella section in the disney princess diary my friends got me. :( It's okay, Ariel it is.

This place is getting way too public for certain things so......... ah whatever.
November is sneaking it's way up on me and soon exams are going to hit me like a tidal wave and I'm hoping that I'll survive it. And after that I shall celebrate the end of the first sem in Trinity by flying back to Singapore for a good 6 weeks. But it also bums me out at the fact that that is going to be the last time I'll see my friends until I'm done with trinity in may. Oh well, till then.

I am going to learn how to be a lot of things, how to do a lot of things. It needs to be quick enough before everything goes downhill.

Yup procrastination is an amazing thing. Said I would start on my essay at 8pm but only getting started on it at 1:12am. Wonder why I bother trying to motivate myself.

Jasmine is an egghead.

Had one of the roughest weeks ever. Could easily say that it was one of the hardest ones in my entire life so far. I don't really know how to put a finger to everything that I've been feeling these days but I guess I'll survive.

Recently been having way too many scary thoughts it scares me quite a lot and I think I should stop. How do you tell your brain to stop thinking of so many things at one time? It's pretty amazing. I can string scary, dangerous thoughts in my head and a second later, think of so many things I wish could happen between different people in my life. It goes on and on until I fall asleep, and then the nightmares come. 5 nightmares in a week. Highest so far. Not proud of it, though.

It's a mixture of numbness taking over every part of me, with that sinking feeling whenever I think of you, the pain from everything that I've suddenly come to realise so far, the sadness of how everything is just not going to be the way it was, and the annoyance that all this thinking is just a waste of bloody time when we all know what the outcome is going to be - nothing. I hate feeling not feeling feelings sometimes.

Funny how I think I deserve this but yet wish that maybe I might have been something better, someone important. Bullshit. This is all that I'll ever be. And the state that my mind is in does not deserve anything more than all of this. I should get used to this.

I get tired even from thinking of all of this, let alone actually typing it out. Blergh. Back to the books and numbers and trying to block everything out.

On another note- I miss you, but I guess we'll just leave it as that.

Why waste this life not loving?

"You are the sixth,"

"The sixth.... so which one am I then?"

"You are who I love: the one on the pedestal, the fantasy, the make believe things that are actually true. You are what I love: the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You are when I love: a new history is being started with you, we are the young lovers our older selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love: Because I’d go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love: Because before you, I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for. Now that we found each other, you’ve given my past and future a meaning. You're the sixth. You're the last."

/

"The feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate because we can only be that age once."

"High school was the time of innocence, discovery, and adventure. We shared these three elements together and things like our first kiss, late night sneaking out, and man-named movies. All in which has become a nostalgic love, preserved in a time where neither of us can touch, but no one was there. Even though we were just kids, there’s not a doubt in my mind that we were there; we were in love."

/

"One of the greatest gifts we have of being alive is the ability to give, receive, and even lose love… What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives."

/

A little director's note for everyone:

...I hope this short shows that your future holds others who you have yet to fall in love with (and maybe once again lose). There is time ahead of you, and in this time you will find love in other ways, or perhaps love will return to you, I can’t tell you for certain, but I can tell you not to completely lose yourself in the present, and try to believe that one day you will look back on the ones you’ve “lost” the same way the man in the film does, with understanding and joy.

To the older viewers: I hope this short can remind you of what you’ve learned from each encounter of love, even if it seemed terrible back then, you have had the gift of time to teach you why it happened, and how you grew from it.

Remember…who, what, when, where, why they are your last, and be thankful. For there are many who are still on that journey you were once on. Encourage them; the lost to keep hopeful, the troubled to keep fighting for, and the cynics to keep believing in, love.

distance

So dangerous. Out of focus, lost touch, lost your minds lost everything. Cover it up with the delusional thoughts and beliefs and you'll soon realise that everything's a lie. Been so scared of everything, always lacking courage to do and say the things that ought to be said or done. Too many thoughts lately, too little fucks to give - selfish.

Never have these thoughts entered my mind, but ever since it did, I keep having nightmares. Every night. It's scary how I'm getting used to it when there's clearly a twister going on in my head and it takes so much of me to fall asleep believing that everything's okay when it's not. My insanity is getting the best of me. If there was any to begin with, haha. Keep away, keep away. It's better off to be left alone. Alone is what I deserve. Zip up. Sinking deep holes are back again. This spells trouble. Or comfort. No I-

once in a while my formspring anons get pretty funky with their requests. I like. So here's a picture of me........ being really pretty. 

if you wanna be the next funky fs anon, please be my guest. Click here ^^

Had a good 11 hours of sleep today, but had 3 bad dreams in the midst of it. Just amazing. Knocked out on my bed with my econs notes sprawled all over my face/pillow till 6am, waking up realising that I was in that crazy state, packed everything up and went back to bed. The 3 bad dreams were insane, weird, horrible and just really.... Bad. Nightmares are bad dreams, but bad dreams are not always nightmares. I hope you get my drift.

Won't list down my crazy weird dreams here because I fear for my sanity and I don't think I need anyone else fearing it for me as well after knowing my dreams so..... Haha.

The past week I've been basically eating a lot, sleeping a hell lot and procrastinating in terms of studies and going to the gym. Bad week. I am the epitome of laziness.

Managed to Skype my parents for a good 2 hours last night, talking about almost everything. From my friends here in Trinity, my future, school, friends back in singapore, my laundry adventures, to discussing politics with my old man-god i miss that. Whenever I'm back in singapore, it seems that i'm always in the loop of the latest news locally and worldwide thanks to my dad religiously watching the 10pm chinese news and CNA/BBC/Bloomberg afterwards. Always took that for granted until i came here. So now, I've got to keep up with the news by myself and it's tough since I hate reading the newspaper. oh well, that's one of the things I miss when I'm here I guess. Hearing my dad and his view points on certain things going on in the world, and recently, being old enough- sharing with my dad my view on certain things.

Even though my dad says the harshest, meanest things that always seem to cut through me again and again no matter how many times it's been repeated, I still go back to him. I don't think I can ever be those rebellious kids that would run, fight or argue with their parents- even my dad uses this against me whenever he starts an argument. Weak and defenceless, I guess. But I'm grateful my mum was trying to tell my dad (discreetly, but failed) on camera that he should stop putting me down and encourage me instead. But see, I've hit the point where I don't fight or argue with my dad anymore when he says such things, because I agree with him. Every single thing he says is the hard truth, and I know it. Maybe my mum thinks he's being too hard on me, but it's a little too late for that because he's been like this for the past 17 years. Worse, when I was younger. Haha, it's not low self-esteem or whatever, it's just realisation of who/what you are, and I accept that.

There's really nothing interesting going on in my life right now so I apologise for the lack of updates. (if anyone actually bothers reading this haha) I don't post a gazillion photos and I tend to type a lot, so I apologise for being wordy and boring haha thanks for sticking it out with me. Till next time.

Update: 

I ate my feelings today. All of it. 

Mee Siam + kaya toast set for lunch

Dinner

Hot chocolate + pastry dessert

Pizza at 12am

So undeserving it's funny.

Permanent

Because I cannot forget how I felt and how it happened, I simply can't. You are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. But I'm not going to do it again, because I don't want to kiss you knowing that everything between us is temporary. Temporary sucks, because one day you could find someone else and I'm supposed to be okay with it because we were just temporary, no strings attached and it hurts to know that. Temporary sucks because you never know what might happen in a bit, let alone the future. But I want to think of us in the near future, no matter now impossible that might sound. Because when we kiss, I think about all the endless possibilities of things that could happen if things were different. Before I met you I always thought that I'd kiss someone that was already mine, someone that I'd be together with, but I guess I was wrong. But I want to kiss you. I would, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I shouldn't, that it would lead me to feeling more. I want to kiss you. So when the time comes, I will close my eyes and at that moment when our lips meet, I will believe that we are permanent. 

X

If these sheets were the states
and you were miles away
I'd fold them end over end
to get you closer to me
You know I don't sleep at all
without you pressed up against me
I settle for long distance calls
I'm lost in empty pillow talk again

So the past week was a interesting one. I guess.

Today was uneventful. Basically the only thing that is worth mentioning is that after today, I have finally experienced the pains of photocopying heaps of sources and references from more than 10 different types of books for an essay. Thank God Jasmine was there dying alongside with me because we could laugh at each other when one of us accidentally cocks up the photocopier machine or when we miss a page while photocopying or something.

Yesterday I went over to my aunt's place to celebrate my cousin's birthday and boy my aunt makes the prettiest barbie doll cakes it is amazing. Ate a lot, broke my diet (again), what gives. After that, proceeded to head down to St Kilda's beach - which took me forever to get there since I was in the suburbs which was 40 minutes away from the city and St Kilda's beach is another 20 minutes journey from the city. The beach was beautiful, wonderful, romantic and all sorts of sparkly magical fairy dust was sprinkled all over the place. Wish my friends in Singapore were there with me though. Then we'd be doing all the crazy things on the beach or maybe we'd just sit by there and enjoy the pretty view that we don't have over in Singapore. Played a bit of frisbee with the boys and then we all headed to the nearby park for our Palmerston bbq!

The park is another magical place, wish I could explain to you how serene and pretty it was but I apologize for my lack of words and lousy vocab so I guess a panoramic shot would have to do for now:

There were couples strolling along the pavements, people bringing their dogs here to let them run around and play fetch bla bla it was a nice place to be. And the Palmerston people were all great people to spend the late afternoon with- be it singing/jamming, bbq-ing, frisbee, taking photos etc. Really glad I managed to meet such good people over here in Melbourne. Going to miss the Feb Main kiddos so much when they graduate in december!!

 Ended off a wonderful Sunday night at Brunetti's with the Isabelle and Jeanette talking about relationships and shit over some good cheesecake and hot chocolate, what more could I ask for?

Saturday was fun. Slept in, woke up, gymmed, and then went over to Jasmine's place to help her move out and over to her new place which was a floor above her old one haha. Had a lot of fun piling all her pink shit on the huge trolley thing and then hogging up the lift to drag everything out. Everything was done in my hideous gym outfit and Jasmine in some unforgiving home clothes, quite sure everyone was staring at us like we were crazy. And then I got to sit on the trolley and get pushed down the whole corridor at a crazy fast speed because we wanted to and Jasmine nearly crashed me into a wall but that's okay I still love her. Should have taken a vlog but I forgot to bring my camera........ damn it. Times like these I wish I could share it with you guys :(

Mmm so I guess that's a rough update on how my weekend was. Hopefully everyone else had a good weekend as well. Poly kids started school today, really miss being able to meet up with them at munch/makan place before heading for lectures, and of course spamming the WA group on where to meet for lunch after lectures and tutorials.

Now, back to reading these bloody sources and try to get things sorted out.

Feeling so lazy to hit the gym. Ahhhh procrastination, procrastination. Really need to get back on track and work out like crazy because I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight over the span of 2 weeks when I was back home. NO MORE SLACKING damn it my diet starts tomorrow. All dressed up in my sports clothes waiting for 4pm to come so I can go and renew my gym membership then go for corepower class and then head on for body pump. Yes yes yes yes I can do this. I must do this.

On a lighter note, have you met one of my best friends for close to 5 years? Her name is nicole lim kar mun and she recently just broke her foot in the silliest way but we all still love her. She did a vlog and I think it's pretty funny. Well. Very, actually.




so her air con dripped and then she had to film another one. Nicole y ur life so epic.



Yay!!!!!! Ok now off to complete my accounting essay for fucking good.

Average

Disappointment after disappointment. No more comparing everything with my O level results. One hit wonder. Never again. What was 12 points? So undeserving. Got lucky, all my tutors helped me out so much so thank you Mr Paul, Mrs Lam, TK teachers - that 12 points were your hard work and effort. So god damn it, I need to stop thinking I can be anything else more than that. Stop believing that that 12 points were my own effort and that I was actually smart enough to get that shit.

Because evidently I'm not. At all. Hell, even the students here that don't speak english as their first language gets a higher mark than I do for a lit essay. I should just dig a hole and hide my face from the rest of the world. Disappointment after disappointment. Haha it sucks it's just one of those days where it hits you that you are completely stupid on your own and can't even manage a lit essay by yourself. So stupid. I wish I could just give up but no I can't because a) it's basically throwing away a lot of my parents' hard earned money and I've screwed up enough b) it's unrealistic and immature c) I just fucking can't.

Don't know what I'm blabbering on about as well. Messed up my accounting paper last term even though it wasn't counted it still meant a lot to me since I sucked at accounting. And then today I found out, hey the lit essay i studied for throughout the whole weekend a few weeks ago, I messed it up too! Average, just average the teacher said. I wasn't even above average. Should've known.

Wish I could be sufficient for once, though. Thought I would be able to get my desired marks over here in Trinity because it is honestly less stressed up compared to singapore education, but I'm not. So this makes it more embarrassing that I can't even handle shit here in a place that is easier than poly or JC. Yes let's all throw a pity party and laugh at me being all pathetic because I am.

Fucking average piece of shit good for nothing useless. Grow the hell up. Average doesn't get you that 86 for Uni, average will just ruin your life, average doesn't bring you any fucking where.

This time there's no one to blame except for myself. Put in effort to actually study for this, but it's not enough. Everything's not enough. My fault, sorry to disappoint. I'm disappointed, too. Sucks to be this way.

asdfghjkl

Daylight saving and jetlag can go screw themselves over I'm tired and I can't sleep. Bad debts and depreciation is frying out any remains of my pathetic brain and I can't seem to write the essay as well as I thought I could. Maybe we could all just blame it on the fact that it's 3:34 am and my nose is still fucked and I'm surrounded by piles of tissues and I feel like complete shit and no one can save me from all of this.... insignificant rubbish feelings and thoughts and emotions except myself.

Too many thoughts in my head again, need to stop. Trust trust trust trust, I need to trust. But they always say trust no one, right? Haha. Whatever. Scary how someone changes in whatever way. Guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Maybe this is just sleepy rambling but I'm really so fucking tired you don't even know oh my god. Can't seem to sleep this is just killing me. School starts in a bit I need my energy and I need to recover ASAP.

Someone needs to put my (non existent) brain to bed, pronto.

Back in Melbourne. I think I'm too tired/slightly jetlagged to think straight. Thank you to Jodie Jamie Nicole Aralin Mistika Lavelle Yingzhong Erman and Ame (who specially rushed down, thank you again) for coming down to send my sorry butt off back to Melbourne. Really touched that you guys made your way down to send me off even though it was completely unnecessary and I'm sure there are better things to do on a Saturday night. But I'm glad you guys made it. I love you all so much. Made me laugh a hell lot right before leaving and I'm so grateful for that. Always getting stickies when Melbourne bound, which I figured isn't such a bad thing because taking off and landing always seem to be the toughest part of the plane ride.

I nearly died when the plane was landing, urgh I even get nauseous thinking about it. Glad I made it back in one piece.

Reached home > unpacked luggage > vacuum floor, clean table and shelves > change bedsheets > shower > laundry. All done in the span of about 3 hours. So. Proud. Of. Myself. And right after I proceeded to plonk on my bed and knock out until Isabelle knocked on my door and we headed out for lunch.

Honestly I've missed Melbourne's weather. Ah feels good to be able to breathe again. Yes guys, no more thick humid air that makes me suffocate. Also, I officially announce that I am currently suffering from withdrawal symptoms due to the crazy amount of time I've spent with my friends the past 2 weeks. It's hard to suddenly snap out of my comfort zone and go back to Melbourne, it really is. :( Miss seeing your faces every day you guys.

School's starting tomorrow, can't really say I'm ecstatic or something like that. Really hope I'll be able to pull through all the essays and math homework and shit. Fingers crossed.

On a lighter note. Wow, 161 views on this lame blog of mine yesterday. Thank you for actually bothering to read this space even though I blog about the stupidest things aka (useless) matters of the heart, school, life etc etc.

Alright maybe I might want to catch up on a little bit of sleep before dinner with the girls and Jeanette's mum tonight.

Melbourne Bound

I am about to explode or erupt from this mixture and surge of emotions I've been feeling the whole day. My heart is about to combust and I feel as though I am about to die. Okay well that's exaggerating but yes I am so tired of feeling this way argh stop complaining stop complaining.

Goodbyes are always hard to handle, even if we all know they're a "see you again" or "see you soon". I hate leaving my friends and everything that I've grown to love here in Singapore.

Back to melbourne, back to studying and hanging in there till I'm back home in December.

Deeeeeeep breaths I need to find my inner peace and stop thinking about so many things. If it happens, it happens. Like if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Leave everything to be and let time do it's thing. 2 months will past by real quick.

So to conclude the last post here in Singapore before I fly back to Melbourne, here's a best friend tag we managed to do. It's a rather long one I apologize.





you know I love you guys.

We won't ever fade

Basically here's a rough update of the first week here in Singapore. And obviously, this week's photos.... too many for me to upload and post it on here. I tried. :(

I can't believe 2 weeks has passed by crazy fast, I've basically spent every day with the people I love. Although on the other hand I still feel really guilty with the fact that I didn't come home for dinner at all the past 2 weeks even though I've been complaining that I haven't eaten home cooked food in ages. The 6 weeks holiday in december, I swear I'll make it home for dinner on some days.

It's been 2 weeks well spent and tonight marks the last night that I have with the girls, because Friday night's dinner is saved for the family. Agh going to miss all of them like crazy. REALLY HUGE THANKS AND A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE FOR JODIE JAMIE NICOLE AND AME FOR BOMBING A HELL LOT OF MONEY THIS WEEK BECAUSE ALL I DO IS EAT EAT AND EAT SOME MORE.

I've been so happy and throughout these 2 weeks I've been reminded time and time again that I've been so blessed and lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing, lovely, sweet bunch of friends. Be it JJSNP, The TK girls, Poly clique, Edmund, Ame, Bryan, Mistika etcetc...... God bless all these wonderful people. I know I'm a emotional retard when it comes to these type of things, and I don't really know how to say thank you enough for putting up with all my shit and crazy food cravings and ridiculous Australia stories. I love you guys so so so much.

Sucks to be gone for another 2 months where term 2 begins and I have a HOI essay to rush out in 6 weeks, lit essay question coming out in 2-4 weeks, my accounting essay to be edited again by next week, 30% math exam at the end of this term...... oh the joy, really.

Blergh it's starting to sink in again. And this always happens whenever I use my laptop. Maybe I should just stay away from my laptop until I'm back in Melbourne. All these shitty sad feelings should go away :(((((((

Loved today. Loved the whole 2 weeks I was here. Can't fricking wait to be back. Oovoo and whatsapp is amazing and all but I swear- nothing can ever make up for random singing of songs while walking down orchard road, stupid things that we do to annoy each other aka hooooo mai gat, singing, eating, singing (again), swearing at the dumbest things and just being able to hug each other whenever we can because we can.

Cheers to a f;rfkgrgerklmrori night.

Desperately need more good days like these. Today started off amazing and ended off well with Jodie on my couch watching videos of ridiculously talented singers and just questioning our existence. Pretty good day.

I need more sleep. Starting my days off early this week as a change. CAN SATURDAY JUST NOT COME I REALLY JUST WANT TO STAY IN SINGAPORE AND NOT GO BACK TO MELBOURNE ARGH :'(

Love all my friends so much it hurtsssssssss like a bitchhhhhhhhhhhhh

Secretly I wish you feel the same way, too.
I'm tired of feeling more. Always feeling more.

happy 18th, keefay

So today is my bestest best friend's 18th birthday!!!!

Happy birthday Bryan Keefe Cresswell.

Damn, I don't even know where to start. It's been an amazing 4 years of friendship and I know we've had our crazy fights and cold wars, but I'm glad we made it through. Beyond glad, actually. I don't know where I would be without you. You were always there for me when I was being a emotional retard, crying over the stupidest things my dad used to say, or the dumbest shitass feelings I used to feel when the boys I liked screwed me over. Somehow the piano playing and words of comfort always made my night, no matter how crappy it was. Hey Stephen and Lovers in Japan will always remind me of you.

I think we are those few that people call "lucky" because when 2 people had a history of liking each other before, they most probably wouldn't stay this tight after so long. I'm thankful. We've been there for each other through the numerous heartbreaks, where stupid girls broke your heart and dumb boys broke mine. You know I'll always have your back, Bryan. No matter how many "haha hi HAHAHAHA" shitty lame ass texts we send each other without any substance, I still love you. Doesn't matter if i'm all the way in Australia and you'll be busy with As and after As, partying, and after partying, army - I'm always here for you.

Thank you for kind of being the boyfriend I never had. Doing some of the things that I could strike off "things my perfect boyfriend would do for me" list. That fairytale sappy love romance shit thingum, you know? Coming down to my place at 11pm in the night, where we would sit and talk about everything and anything. Calling me on the phone where we would talk for hours and hours and you would play the piano for me. Period mixtape, which is amazing. Going through my whole bunch of friends at the airport and rushing up to hug me one last time before I left for Melbourne, not giving a shit on what other people might think - by far one of the most heartwarming things I've felt in a while. So thank you.

Being in Australia without you is bloody hard. Because I can't pick up the phone and dial your number and cry my eyes out and I won't have you on the receiving line listening quietly, waiting for me to calm down and tell me things are going to be okay. But that's alright, as long as we both know we've got each other in the end, right?

So happy birthday, Bryan. I hope you enjoy it because I think you deserve to. I'll see you when I get back in December. In the mean time, you know I love you.

It hurts like a mthrfkr

So ridiculously lost right now I'm quite sure the last time I felt something like this was when I was dying from a heartbreak that wasn't even worth the tears.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Someone told me last night that it was pretty amazing how I managed to string my crazy thoughts and feelings into sentences that are somewhat understandable. That's where she got it wrong, though. This pain or sadness I feel from time to time cannot even be described or measured. Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic over here but since when can we actually make others understand the amount of sadness or pain we're going through right now? We always say,"it hurts like ......." to compare it to something bad in order to somehow convey the message and try to get others to relate to the pain we feel. In the end, they can't feel it as how we feel it at that particular time. The only thing they can possibly do is empathise-  maybe with a "oh damn, that must hurt." or "I totally get how you feel."

So that means you're alone on this. Times when I feel like shit I tell myself that I need to start saving myself first because no one else can make you feel better unless you believe that things are going to be okay.

Maybe I should go back to writing letters that I won't send and then keep it until everything blows over and only read it when I'm going through old letters in the future. Then I'd most probably laugh about how delusional and lovesick I sounded like and get hit by a wave of nostalgia reminiscing about the past.

Haha, clearly this isn't working out for the both of us. I don't know about you but like I said, it's becoming strangely addictive to feel this kind of sick, twisted feeling inside of me all the time. Somehow reminds me that I can at least feel something. Ha. Of course, this gut-wrenching-piece-of-shit feeling always seem to fuck me over and it gets worse because I think over time, this doesn't exactly "cool off". No one told me that feelings like these might stay for a while and the way it can haunt you in your dreams, haunt you when you're awake. I feel as though I'm being sucked in by this whirlpool of emotions and I can't seem get enough of it, neither can I get myself out of it.

Maybe, just maybe you might feel this way too. And if you do, at least I'm not alone on this emotional rollercoaster that I've happily hopped onto.

Last time I checked, falling in love with someone wasn't this hard. Or this painful. But I can't seem to stop. Tell me you can't too?