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Had one of the roughest weeks ever. Could easily say that it was one of the hardest ones in my entire life so far. I don't really know how to put a finger to everything that I've been feeling these days but I guess I'll survive.

Recently been having way too many scary thoughts it scares me quite a lot and I think I should stop. How do you tell your brain to stop thinking of so many things at one time? It's pretty amazing. I can string scary, dangerous thoughts in my head and a second later, think of so many things I wish could happen between different people in my life. It goes on and on until I fall asleep, and then the nightmares come. 5 nightmares in a week. Highest so far. Not proud of it, though.

It's a mixture of numbness taking over every part of me, with that sinking feeling whenever I think of you, the pain from everything that I've suddenly come to realise so far, the sadness of how everything is just not going to be the way it was, and the annoyance that all this thinking is just a waste of bloody time when we all know what the outcome is going to be - nothing. I hate feeling not feeling feelings sometimes.

Funny how I think I deserve this but yet wish that maybe I might have been something better, someone important. Bullshit. This is all that I'll ever be. And the state that my mind is in does not deserve anything more than all of this. I should get used to this.

I get tired even from thinking of all of this, let alone actually typing it out. Blergh. Back to the books and numbers and trying to block everything out.

On another note- I miss you, but I guess we'll just leave it as that.