Greed

I think that's the problem with everything - people get too greedy once they've had a taste of something good. It's been a really good December, and I'm a little bit too sad to let it all go. Decembers has always been my kind of month ever since I was growing up, you see. 

It was a second chance that none of us expected, and I thought that this was something that was finally mine to keep. It's funny how it started off with a drunken kiss and ended off with one as well, accompanied by fumbling hands and quick kisses in my own bathroom on new years' eve. "Let's do this sober," you said while your hands were finding their way to the right positions. We ended the first day of 2016 with a long talk, both of us drunk off our faces but somehow trying to speak with clarity and demanding dazed eye contacts from one another. 

This whole whirlwind of an experience that has gone on for nearly 3 years has definitely made it to one of the most memorable experiences of my life. The highest highs and I've been in the lowest of lows. I've felt a bit of what being loved and loving someone feels like, and also having your heart completely shattered by the same person who is able to make you feel as though you are their everything. 

This month was everything that I would have never dared to dream of in a million years. She came back to me and I have never felt happier, contented and comfortable. It's almost like coming home. Soon enough, I became greedy with the thoughts of wanting something more, almost recklessly wanting and needing someone that could never be mine to begin with. 

Yesterday she told me that she can't hold me back and she can't get over the fear of fucking things up between us because I am someone she loves too much. She tried to also explain to me why she did what she did 3 years ago to me, and I still can't believe that I teared up even thinking about it. I told her that she is someone the only one I wouldn't mind putting my heart on the line again for - call it being stupid, but I could do that again and again and again, and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to try even if I told her that she is enough for me. We saw things differently and eventually, coming to a conclusion that preventing the worst consequence from happening is something we both wanted to do and the only way to do so is to remain as friends. We fell silent for a bit and both our answers to the question of, "are you happy?" was just a shrug and a grumble of "I don't know" accompanied with a long sigh. 

Over our long conversations and hearty laughs we shared yesterday, we stumbled across Orchard Road being closed for the evening and families and couples were hogging up the whole street and there were tons of things for us to look at. It just felt a little bit of a waste that we were now friends and we couldn't walk down Orchard Road like a couple and I couldn't hold her like I wanted to. 

I got greedy again. 

For one last time, till we reach the end of the street, I thought we could just go back to how it was like when we were dating. I hesitated with this thought but I asked her eventually. And so easily, with a slight chuckle and a soft "okay", her hand slipped right into mine and it felt alright again. Things were what I wished for it to be. That walk down orchard road was probably one of the best times I've spent at Orchard in my life. We sang loudly to chart toppers blasting from the speakers on the side of the road and dodged little kids running around with our hands held tight. When we reached the end of the road, I kept telling myself that this is it this is really it. We both knew it. It was an inside joke when I told her "how about we stand here kiss one time and see what happens", we both laughed and eventually had our lips meet for the last time in the middle of orchard road. It was a soft kiss that felt like it was a whisper of a million apologies and confessions that we never dared to speak of because we were always too cautious. We held each other in a long embrace, and to put it bluntly and honestly, I was sad. I cried and I couldn't stop crying. I managed to catch a glimpse of a few worried looks that were looking at me, but I didn't care. This was our moment and I was savouring every part of it. She wiped my tears again for me, the third time she has ever done so. "Don't cry, I'm still here. I'll always be here." was one of the saddest yet one of the most reassuring things I've heard. 

So that was it. The best walk down Orchard Road ever. It was filled with a lot of fun and a bit of tears while bidding farewell to the idea/wish of having someone like her as mine to keep. 

This is me attempting to write the last page of this long chapter in my book and in a few years' time, maybe I'll stumble across this blog post and recall everything beautiful about this memory I want to keep. 

Here's a little secret:

I will be contented if our lips ever meet again even if we aren't sober because at least, I will know that you still want me as much as I want you. That whole feeling of being temporarily permanent has never been so appropriate to use as a description, but I would deem December 2015, and this thought of always wanting to have you to keep, as something that is temporarily permanent. 

Ooops, look at this.

I'm being greedy again.

I'll always miss you.