If I ever got around living, it's going to be the life I dream.
Just got John Mayer's new album. Words cannot express how happy and excited I am. John Mayer is a musical genius I'm not even going to tell you why but you should just listen to his music and feel the sincerity in it and all it's good vibes.
Today was just one of those days. There's not really a way how to describe this feeling. But it's the kind when you just refuse to do anything your brain tells you to do. Like bathe when you get home. No. I went into the warm loving arms of my sofa and slept there for the whole afternoon. Get up and do your homework. No. I went to shower and ate dinner. After dinner I just watched tv and afterwards proceeded to use my laptop. Feeling all forms of regret for not completing my long due POA homework and BSTATS homework. Horrible.
I just want to spend the rest of my days in bed moping and crying and feeling all types of sad. To get everything out of my system. I just need to feel. And stop being so numb all the time, because it's killing me. If I actually know how that feels. Because evidently I don't. Do I make any sense? I don't even know.
Common tests are coming and i know it doesn't matter because I have no GPA to worry about but deep down I hope that i'll study and do well because even if i'm leaving or not that feeling of not doing well for anything doesn't feel that great, does it?
Also, tonight I talked to one of my friends that I haven't spoken to in about 4 years. Turns out she's going to laselle to pursue dance. And I'm truly happy for her and it's amazing she's following her dreams and everything. Then I remember talking to some of the people i've met in Ngee Ann during this short period of time, asking them why they chose to go into their respective courses. Majority of them know what they want to do in life, what they want to be when they grow up, which dreams of theirs they're working hard to fulfill.
Some go into design school because they want to be a designer, an artist. Some go to medical school because they want to be a doctor, some go to business school with the dream of starting their own business in the near future. I can't help but feel a tiny bit of jealousy whenever I hear them talk so confidently about their aspirations and what they want to achieve when they grow up. Because honestly I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know why I'm taking banking and financial services. My answers are all fucked up. I went into BFS because it would be a waste since I took econs for O levels. Why did I take econs? Because my dad didn't let me take literature as a core subject and said econs would be a more practical subject in the future. Which is true, but then again.... What are MY dreams? MY aspirations? What do I want to be when I grow up? I have no fucking clue. None at all. Is that normal for a 17 year old girl? No dreams no aspirations. I'm goalless, aimless. Pathetic.
Suck it up suck it up suck it up suck it up.
