It hurts like a mthrfkr

So ridiculously lost right now I'm quite sure the last time I felt something like this was when I was dying from a heartbreak that wasn't even worth the tears.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Someone told me last night that it was pretty amazing how I managed to string my crazy thoughts and feelings into sentences that are somewhat understandable. That's where she got it wrong, though. This pain or sadness I feel from time to time cannot even be described or measured. Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic over here but since when can we actually make others understand the amount of sadness or pain we're going through right now? We always say,"it hurts like ......." to compare it to something bad in order to somehow convey the message and try to get others to relate to the pain we feel. In the end, they can't feel it as how we feel it at that particular time. The only thing they can possibly do is empathise-  maybe with a "oh damn, that must hurt." or "I totally get how you feel."

So that means you're alone on this. Times when I feel like shit I tell myself that I need to start saving myself first because no one else can make you feel better unless you believe that things are going to be okay.

Maybe I should go back to writing letters that I won't send and then keep it until everything blows over and only read it when I'm going through old letters in the future. Then I'd most probably laugh about how delusional and lovesick I sounded like and get hit by a wave of nostalgia reminiscing about the past.

Haha, clearly this isn't working out for the both of us. I don't know about you but like I said, it's becoming strangely addictive to feel this kind of sick, twisted feeling inside of me all the time. Somehow reminds me that I can at least feel something. Ha. Of course, this gut-wrenching-piece-of-shit feeling always seem to fuck me over and it gets worse because I think over time, this doesn't exactly "cool off". No one told me that feelings like these might stay for a while and the way it can haunt you in your dreams, haunt you when you're awake. I feel as though I'm being sucked in by this whirlpool of emotions and I can't seem get enough of it, neither can I get myself out of it.

Maybe, just maybe you might feel this way too. And if you do, at least I'm not alone on this emotional rollercoaster that I've happily hopped onto.

Last time I checked, falling in love with someone wasn't this hard. Or this painful. But I can't seem to stop. Tell me you can't too?