Perhaps even trying to overcompensate my denial and sadness by crazily posting/writing on social media about my journey to self improvement, losing weight and striving to the best at work wasn't the best of ideas. i've been so strung out at work, I know I'm not functioning at my best but I refuse to attribute it to my screw ups in my personal life so far.
my friends have been singing the same tune, but i dont know if the problems really lie with the people i get with. i'm trapped in the same cycle, the same crazy thoughts and they all point to the sign to craving affection, love and validation but then wanting it from the wrong person ie they can't fucking give you what you want. you continue to romanticise, you continue to try to impress (subconsciously, of course), and you continue to be let down. then you start to convince yourself that you are just not good enough, that you aren't smart/pretty enough, and then you tell yourself that you don't deserve that person because how could you have dared to even think that they'd like you back when you're... what you are and they are what they are too. Rinse and repeat.
i am so fucking drained and tirelessly writing and thinking these thoughts aren't the best. constantly going back and repeating mistakes - they are self inflicted wounds. you wanted the fastest way to feel loved, validated and desired. at the end of the day they were right, the obsession for external validation is self indulgent and narcissistic.
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