It makes sense to have you in my life like that, and if it wasn’t for that one thing, that one insurmountable hurdle that’s stopping me, I’d be telling you that I like you too until I was blue in the face. It doesn’t really matter what that hurdle is, but please know that I fucking hate it. I’d give up anything to have that obstacle disappear. Except for the cause of the hurdle itself. You’re the one missing puzzle piece that I’ve been looking for. 

I don’t know if you’re the center part that brings the entire picture into focus, or the corner piece that stabilizes it all, or the keystone bit that holds up all the other pieces, because I can’t ever actually fit you into place. It’s that goddamn hurdle stopping me, staying my hand. But what I do know is that you make everything else fit together all tight and tidy. 

Without you, there’s a giant gaping hole where nothing else can possibly fit. I have to choose between everything else…and you. I don’t get to have both. And I have to ask myself, which part is more important? Which is more complete without the other? I can’t like you, either. I know I said that already, but maybe if I keep repeating it, it will finally sink in and become reality. Or maybe I’ll just start saying “I don’t like you” to try and convince myself. That’s what they say, right? Repeat a lie enough times and it becomes the truth. 

Why can’t we just do that? Act like a pair of broken records that play the same lie over and over again until it becomes the truth and we can go back to the way things were before we got all sentimental and emotive.

I know you can’t like me, and I can’t like you, either. But that’s not stopping me, and I’m sorry.

n u m b

But why can't I seem to get it into my thick skull things that I should have started believing in a long time ago? So stubborn.

I applaud my ability to keep hoping for so many things to happen despite being let down so many gazillion times by so many different people. Stop expecting, so when nothing happens you wouldn't call yourself an idiot and hate yourself for being so stupid. I guess that's what they always say. But it seems like a challenge to do that. So. Hard. To. Keep. My. Feelings. In. Check.

Sometimes I feel like ripping my heart out and find a way to fill up this void. Empty. 

It's always a little different, isn't it. When another person comes along in your life and you develop feelings for, somehow you convince or tell yourself that "this one is different than the previous one", or things like that. So every person that you like, is always a tiny bit different than the previous one and you somehow think that because she/he is different than the previous, maybe things would work out differently as well. 

It's a wonderful saturday afternoon with the skies being partly cloudy and the wind softly blowing, causing the wind chimes outside to ring - this is all I need. I tell myself, this is all I need. I need to stop feeling like there's something lacking inside because craving for something unreachable is not going to work out and that it is only a recipe for disaster.

I have fallen into those deep sinking holes too many times, Rachel. Too many fucking times and you wouldn't want to get back in, because those were terrible days and everything was too morbid and depressing. The amount of shit we do to ourselves sometimes......... Alright. So lesson learnt. No black sinking holes again, please. This is my sanity begging to stay intact before I really lose it.  

"The skies are blue, and I'm alive. So all is well." 

exits and entrances

Too many thoughts and feelings tonight I can't seem to string them altogether so here is a sad attempt at trying to be as coherent as possible.

Too many times I've been told the same thing over and over again "people come and go" it soon looses it's meaning. Maybe that's all part of growing up, starting to realise things don't always work out the way you wanted it to. They always tell you to give it time, let it cool off, or maybe it's just something temporary- but it's not.

For far too long, I've always believed and dreamed and (as pathetic as this sounds) wish for some amazingly perfect partner to appear in my life and it would be as though they came out of a romance book/film and my whole life would be set. We'd cuddle in bed, hold hands and go grocery shopping together, when I cry they'd hug me until I felt better, picnic and walks on the beach bla bla bla everything sappy and romantic you can think of. Yes, because I'm a sappy sap girl and I swear to God I really wish I could change that. I want to stop believing that things are that simple sometimes. It's not as easy as 'I like you, you like me let's get together situation'. So many factors to decide upon, so many risks to take. As we get older, the amount of times we've got our hearts broken and the amount of times we've given away bits of our hearts to other people that we have previously gotten together with just ends up making us more cautious of giving another part of our heart to the current person we like. Too afraid, too scared, too much to lose. You put in the million "what if"s and there you've got it. Best situation to ever be in.

Maybe it's these life experiences that changes a person's perception of relationships and love which eventually makes us more wary of things. What ever happened to irrational, impulsive, passionate relationships, loving like you've never been broken, living by the true meaning of "you only live once"? Anyway I guess I can type all I want in here but all in all this is still going to fucking hurt and I've reached a point where I really like where I am right now with everything but I also hate it because there's too many feelings and thoughts especially when I'm in Australia. Hahaha.

Okay well that was an insight wasn't it? No it wasn't. Too many precautions. Beware, they all say. For the road to being with someone is a long, painful, excruciating, yet memorable and bittersweet one- filled with tears, joy, excitement, love and happiness all at the same time.

It's amazing how one person can make you feel that much and yet I keep coming back for more and it's becoming strangely and dangerously addictive. I think for tonight I'm blaming it in on human nature and the need to love and be loved, the need of some sort of physical contact that sends electricity waves through your whole nervous system and makes your heart beat fast, the need of feeling that somehow, through all these dissatisfactions you have with yourself, you're somewhat enough for somebody.

But at 17, what do I know huh? Such a joke.

Sleepovers are always fun. We don't technically sleep but that's where all the fun happens. Pigging out on satays and fei fei wanton mee after midnight, watching countless of videos like a woman using her huge boobs to smash beer cans, etc etc. And then today we went to sentosa when the clouds are basically hogging up the sky, so our tanning plans didn't exactly go that well, but all is good. It was splendid.

Came home and ate some tau huey which was so amazing, but found out my brother got into trouble with my dad. This time I was completely left out of any sort of blaming, scolding or shouting and was just left as a bystander. Sometimes my brother tells me that I'm lucky I'm overseas so I don't have to tolerate any more of this type of nonsense, but at the same time the fact that I can't be there to protect him or change the way he feels towards certain things saddens me deeply. I feel like I chose to run away from all these responsibilities on purpose and now I can't blame my parents for doing that to him, and I can't blame him for doing that and getting himself into trouble. What a horrible older sister I am. Selfish, self-centered prick. Blergh.

My books are here, time to start reading and getting inspired.

Today has been absolutely amazing wonderful and all sorts of magical happy unicorn sprinkly shit that everyone loves. Got to pig out the whole day with my dear friends that I have missed so fricking much the past 2 months I've been over in Melbourne. Got to see Ame Jodie Nicole Hwee Ying Ivan Yingzhong Erman Earnest (who just came back from France after a month) and Daryl. Pigged out at Newton, what more could I ask for?

Best night / night/ company/ day I've had in a while. It feels good to be back, it really does. Seems surreal though, but I'm treasuring every moment.

Tomorrow the girls are coming over for a sleepover, and then we hit the fricking beach for a well deserved tan on wednesday. Can't wait to see Miss Jamie Fong Shi Ying really it's been too fricking long.

All in all, Monday started off great.

Back home in singapore. Now I know what it feels like to be at the belts waiting for your luggage and tiptoeing trying to look for that few familiar faces in the large crowd that are outside, also trying to catch a glimpse of someone they know that has just arrived. That feeling of anxiety, anxiousness, excitement all building up in you. And when you finally see them- boom your heart just explodes from all the joy you have felt ever since you were at the airport checking into your flight home. It's quite hard to explain that though, but I guess it was quite nice seeing my family again. Apart from my dad obnoxiously holding up his camcorder trying to interview me when I was busy hugging my mum.

The whole weekend was spent with my family, basically. Saturday was steamboat with my dad's side of the family, and it was amazing being back home. It really felt so surreal that I was using my own cup, sitting on the sofa at home, watching the tv, talking to my aunts and uncles..... Okay I think you get the drift.

Today was good. Went to church, saw Bryan and talked to him for a bit. Really missed that guy. Lunch with my family at 313- typical. (but so good) its the small things that make you feel good, I swear. Like being able to eat with my family is already something that I am so grateful for. Got myself gong cha and some macs as well. It felt soooooo good after not eating these for close to 3 months. And then headed over to city point mall to get me some new gym clothes, because I am going to hit the gym when I'm back in Melbourne. Also ended up with a really cute Lacoste polo dress that my mum really wanted me to get. Then family dinner over with my mum's side and it felt amazing as well seeing everyone in person instead of just skyping them and watching them eat all those delicious food.

Looking forward to the next days ahead of me, really hoping I'll be able to pack them up because its only 14 days and I know time flies super fast. :(

epic face lol

1

Home in 1 day. Words cannot express how excited I am to be back. Family, friends and food. The 3Fs.  Yesterday Sherwynn, Jeanette, Isabel, Jasmine and Chaewon decided to surprise me with a whole "adventure" that brought me around collecting roses and meeting them at different points to celebrate my birthday. There's a video that Sherwynn took I think i'll edit it soon and put it up. Beyond grateful and thankful that I managed to find such amazing friends all the away over here. :)

Surviving on 2 hours of sleep because period's a bitch and procrastination is it's sister. Attempting to write my accounting essay but I'm only 2 pages in. 

Chaewon's last day here in Melbourne before she goes back to Korea to study. Really going to miss that crazy girl, sucks that she's not continuing in Trinity. Going to spend the whole day with her and then send her off at the airport and the wait for my flight back home. 

In the mean time, here's some videos to keep you guys occupied while i'm getting my ass back home!!

17

Wow can't believe I'm another year older. Turning 16 felt amazing, the feeling of liberation and stuff like that I don't know. Most of my friends and I agreed that saying that you are 16 sounds way older and more matured than saying you're 15. So I guess being 16 was good. And then came all the "you're finally old enough to watch NC 16 movies now yay!!!" but damn, when we hit 16, all the movies we wanted to watch were M18 so there wasn't exactly a point....

Birthdays always serve as such a good reminder that you're always surrounded by friends who love you and care about you. Every year, I get so overwhelmed by the friends i've been so blessed to have around me and i guess this year especially, when I'm in Melbourne I've learnt to treasure them even more.

It's very hard, actually. After having all our birthdays celebrated together for 4 years. Party after party, surprise after surprise, cake after cake. It's different this time, but still the same heartwarming buzzing feeling when you have all your friends oovooing you 3000+ miles away screaming happy birthday and talking shit. Where I still have Nicole giving me a birthday call and birthday text like she always does since forever. But I guess there's some different things that happened since I'm stuck in Melbourne and we all don't go to the same school anymore. We have Pamela going through so much awkwardness to make me a 20 second video of which I truly loved with all my heart and was so touched by, Ame and her GIF, Mistika and her facetime surprise, her birthday song for me which made me tear up. And of course, the wonderful oovoo call where I basically got to see everyone I love- Jamie, Nicole, Jodie, Pamela, Sam and Ame.

The past few days I swear I was trying to make myself believe the fact that it's been a year since Pamela and Aralin made my maid knock on the toilet door and asked me to come out halfway while washing my face and then screaming Happy Birthday when I opened the door. A year since texting nicole and asking her if she was still in paragon and then ten minutes later my room door opens and I have Jamie Jodie Sam and Nicole singing happy birthday holding a cake. A year since all of that happened. I swear it just felt like a few months ago. It was a small surprise, where we had a cake and then we drank ribena and sat in a circle playing go-fish afterwards. But it felt.... so. I don't know how to describe that feeling you get as though all you want to do is go up and hug every one of them telling them how much they mean to you, that feeling as though you are about to explode from all the happiness and joy and love you feel inside of you. It was those quiet, humid, warm sundays and all of them bothered to make their way down to my place - daring to say hi to my dad even though my dad and I weren't talking for 3 months, go through the trouble of all of that and just to surprise me. Sometimes it's not those big hoo-ha birthday bash where your friends/family book you a grand ballroom and you invite everyone you know to celebrate your birthday things that count, it's these small surprises with the people you love the most and custom-designed birthday cake that counts so much more.

But of course, how could I ever forget my 15th celebration? Damn it, 2 years. Guys it's been 2 years since that. And I know we all can't stop talking about it and still laughing at how everyone freaked out when I said I was on the way but I was only at Eunos. I will never ever forget that, and like how I described it back then I will still describe the same way now. When I think about it, I still get mini heart attacks. I was truly beyond touched by the amount of effort my wonderful group of friends put in to planning all of that, calling everyone I loved to come, my swim team, TK girls, juniors, marcus nick and kc, bryan and darryl (even though they didn't make it the effort still counts), and of course the amazing birthday presents I got that year. Polaroid film, lingerie, those really cute colour in disney books that they painfully filled up with pictures of boys that I have liked over the past years.

Thank you, so so much. I know it's so hard keeping in contact or trying to maintain our friendship to what it was back when it was the holidays, or when we were in TK, or even in poly. But I know we'll make it simply because we can. We all managed to stick together for so long after 4 years in school and even after tk, 9 months into our JC/poly lives and we're still tight. You know I love you guys and you all mean so much to me. JJSNRP until we grow old and die, right?

And of course, over the months I've come to meet some of the most amazing friends whom I truly treasure and love as well. So blessed to have you guys in my life and thank you for the birthday wishes and I am really touched - being the sap I am. Thank you Ame, Yingzhong and Edmund- specifically because I know it hasn't been a year since I know you guys but damn, 2012 is made of so many memories of you and I just want you to know that it wouldn't have been the same without you.

Not forgetting the love on twitter, whatsapp and facebook where I read it all and try my best to reply all of them. My TK girls, Team Awesome- Glenda Sasha Aralin Pamela Cassie and Jamie. Haha, I seriously miss everyone and I can't wait to come home and have that big party/dinner at my place.

Also, I know I complain a lot about not being able to be as crazy and as weird as I am with my best friends in Singapore, but I am so touched and blessed with the dearest friends I've found here in Melbourne. Thank you Chaewon, Jasmine and Sherwynn for making Trinity that much more bearable and my weekends that much more fun. Thank you to my darling Palmerston friends/housemates, Wenyi, Sherwynn, Jeanette, Isabel and Tim for brightening up my nights and having ridiculous supper at 2 am in the mornings with me and going for runs to yarra etc.

Really so thankful for everyone in my life right now and I guess this is me trying my best to be as coherent about it because right now all I want to do is give everyone a tight hug and cry my eyes out and scream about 3 more years to 20 and I dont' ever want to grow old and I want us to stay friends forever and how much I love each one of my friends.

So this is one long birthday post, but thanks for sticking it out with me.
Here's to being 17.

The weekend was really quite surprising, I must say. Slept the whole Saturday away and basically woke up feeling like shit, so the girls were really nice and suggested some dessert before studying the whole night away so that made me feel a lotttt better.

Sunday was pretty amazing, woke up and Isabel, Sherwynn and Jeanette decided on bringing me out for a pre birthday lunch which I totally did not expect at all and they actually invited chaewon and jasmine over as another surprise. To top it all off, we had a really cute ham waiter for the whole meal and he was really...... and thank you to all of them for paying for my meal. I was really touched and idk  I was just gushing a lot. That made my afternoon. And then for dinner chef Rachel was back with some good old fried rice which I over estimated and cooked way too much for wenyi and I to finish.

And then skyped Cheryl for a good 2 hours. It was truly so..... I don't even know how to put it. Heartwarming, nostalgic, enjoyable........ I have no idea how describe it. The amount of shit we went through the past 4 and a half years, no one can ever comprehend and it's nice to know that somehow through all of that we still just come back to each other even though i'm here in australia and she's over there in Singapore. :')


So the whole weekend i was trying to figure things out and no i have not come to any conclusion but i just need to stop being so god damn weak because it's seriously annoying the hell out of me that its so easy and simple for you to completely ignore this whole matter and it takes almost all of me to do what you do so effortlessly. lol evidently sleeping doesn't help anymore because i just wake up feeling even worse than I did so whatever eating isn't exactly the right decision because oh my god im getting so fat its unbearable so -inserts all physical dissatisfactions here- ew ew ew ew ew and so i must continue convincing myself things that i should have believed right from the start. I need to stop being so ignorant.

maths practice test tomorrow, let's all hope i ace this because my accounting practice test results is really depressing.

7 more days till I'm back home in the loving arms of my bed and waking up to the sound of the news playing in the morning because of my dad. 7 more days.

Can't help but feel slightly shitty. I know I should be happy I swear I am whenever I hear your lovebird romantic sappy stories I really do. Lol maybe its just PMS. Cant keep saying these stuff only happen in movies because boy, he sure is making every girls' dream come true, the things he does for you. (hey it rhymes) blergh where are my girls where we can all be forever alone and then I don't need to feel this anymore. TOO. MANY. COUPLES. AROUND. ME. ew

The original song sounds amazing as well.
This live acoustic set just makes it sound so much more magical and can everyone just take a moment to just appreciate Kellin's eye lashes green eye eye brows perfect set of teeth oh my god i died. So this is currently on replay after spamming almost all of their warped tour shows for the past hour it's getting depressing because they're coming over for soundwave. SIGH ITS OKAY ITS OKAY LET'S NOT GO THERE.

9 more days



haha sher is feeling all sorts of sad now since she's fallen in love with... and isn't looking forward to her trip back to singapore whereas I on the other hand - completely single and not bounded by the heavy chains of being so emotionally attached to one specific person, am so frigging excited to be back home. Sometimes I think it's really sweet that they both can't bear to leave each other, with all the I miss yous and shizz but come on..... don't you miss all the amazing Singaporean food and might I mention, CHEAP food? And the amazing friends that you have back home, being around your family, taking trains and buses and 10 minute walks don't mean shit anymore....... Ok different wavelength I guess. I am just beyond happy and I can't wait can't wait can't wait till I'm home and I get to see everyone that I've missed for so long.

It's going to be a busy 2 weeks and even though I've barely been through the first few days, it comforts me knowing that I'll be on a plane going home next Saturday and being able to see my family at the airport - damn. Dream come true. The smell of my dad's cologne, mum's tight hugs, bitch flicks from my brother...... I miss all of it.

I know it sounds pretty amazing coming out overseas, living on your own, freedom from parents, no one to control your expenditure and shit but..... I don't know. It really is fun, I must admit. But there's obviously bad sides to this. Maybe it's because I've grown up in a rather sheltered environment but things I really start to miss when I'm out here alone? It makes me sound really bratty but I guess the small things like having your laundry being done for you, your clothes all ironed and hanged miraculously in the next two days when you're home thanks to your maid/mum/grandma. I mean im totally used to doing my own laundry here now but argh laundry once a week and having a shitty dryer that doesnt exactly dry all your clothes is really frustrating sometimes. Also, amazing home cooked meals and soup, being able to see your friends whenever you want to see them, staying out late, watching tv in the comfort of my own home bla bla bla.

These past few days I keep wishing I was there for my friends and it sucks. It really sucks being here.

 Like when mistika told me she was feeling like complete shit and the only thing i could do was whatsapp her until she felt better, and even though she said she felt better I still felt useless. The thing I really wanted to do was maybe go over to her place and hug her and tell her everything's going to be okay and boys are douchebags and relationships don't work out at this age, so what. Or maybe immediately tell her that we are going on another of our ya kun breakfast dates tomorrow and then proceed on venturing into small quirky lanes of Singapore and waste our time away and get her mind off things. 

Like when Jodie was feeling sad I wish I could just give her a fricking call since her number is on speed dial, and we could talk about it. Or maybe text her. But whatsapp is a bitch and it's not like texting. Or maybe I could call her and tell her we could go out the next day and I swear I'll wake up early and we can go chill out and do the stupid things we always do and it never fails to make us laugh. 

Like when Pamela always tells me she has something to tell me, I wish we could just meet up for our usual dinner/lunch dates and we could see each other face to face because her expressions are so worth it sometimes and it's totally different than text. We could wander around aimlessly while we update each other about our lives, talk about our family, relationships, goofing off about random things. 

I don't know there's just so many times that I wish I was in Singapore where everything and everyone I love is within reach, just a call away, a few mrt stops or bus stops away - then everything would be easier. 

10 more days. 

burnouts

Jasmine's birthday party. New friends. x number of mixes,  sparkling wine, 16 shots of tequila, vodka and more vodka, a gazillion slices of pizza. Fun times, fun times.

yay ok i promise to not talk so much in front of the camera and get my lazy ass to editing some crazy footages i have shot over the past 2 weeks haha...........

I remember on 5th sept 2011 I stayed up till 12 to send you a generic birthday text even though we haven't been texting ever since whatever happened between us. Played "When I get home, you're so dead" the whole night because those were the lyrics you wrote on your first letter to me, moped around the whole night, constantly staring at my phone, trying to play it cool, but still wanting to know how you are with things since we ended everything so abruptly. I remember writing everything I felt in my diary that night, even then I knew I was forgetting the small things I used to know about you already. Can't believe it's been a year since then and it's crazy how much things have changed. We don't even speak anymore, I don't know you anymore, we've made plenty of new friends that mean so much more to us now and we're basically almost insignificant in each other's lives. You were someone that I used to like, that I cried so hard over, that used to be the one I could tell things to, the one that we talked on the phone for hours and sometimes even fell asleep on the line. I guess I was just someone that you talked a lot to at that point of time and then when you found her you just moved on. I don't know why we stopped talking though, your defences went all the way up again and it was tiring trying to get to you on the second time. I told myself that I will not think of you anymore and I didn't.

Happy 17th, I hope everything is going well for you and thank you for the memories.

So what do you do when you end school at 12:30 and you have to get ready for a nice dinner tonight and winter wear has messed up your brain at pairing clothes, and you want to see how long your hair has grown and how ugly the roots are?

You camwhore.

Please excuse me for I do not have a full length mirror in my room and in the toilet or anywhere else so taking photos would help me see if it matches. Tell me if it does! I can't seem to match clothes anymore. Miss my girls.

Oh yes, I guess it's an #ootd HA HA HA hashtag.





okay guys... so here comes my sad attempt at trying to dress properly for jasmine's birthday dinner tonight.




yay okay sorry for the excessive amount of my shitty face in here hahah just thought you guys would like to see me try to dress moderately okay for tonight ;)

Have a great week everyone!

hello Sasha!

HI SASHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love watching vlogs of my friends from time to time to see how they're all doing and this girl right here just gave us a grand tour of her room. It's bigger than mine, so I'm jealous.

And- I do not have a sink in my room. Only the boys upstairs have it and I heard that they pee in it I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE A JOKE OR SOMETHING. I'm so glad to see you doing fine, Sash. Your hair looks wonderful at 7am in the morning. Trust me, if I do a vlog at 7am (actually I have NEVER woken up at 7am over here haha.....) my hair would be all messed up, clothes sprawled all over the floor, my eyes non existent and I'd still be in my retainers and shizz. So you look amazing. Wish I could have a pink study table too. That, I am EXTREMELY jealous of. Because my walls here are blue. :( I'm looking forward to your next vlog Sasha!

Current update on my life right now:

I have successfully survived the first 2 most stressful days yet ever since school has started. Had a lit essay on monday, which I freaked out about throughout the whole weekend and planned draft after draft, googled analysis after analysis, and it was 5% of my final marks. God it scared me how much work I did for a 5% essay. But it turned out okay, I'm glad it was manageable.

Then came tuesday and the stupid drama mime performance. Basically we were supposed to come up with a 2 minute mime (SOLO, mind you) with given tracks. My storyline was that I was going for a jog and then some crazy ass dude was stalking me and then I started to run and throw my shoes and him and then I hid behind a pillar and then I managed to get my ass to my front door and unlock the door and slide in like a ninja. When I was "jogging", I looked up and all I saw was confused faces. Really, though. I got an 8/10 for that shit mime I did so I'm not complaining. I actually laughed halfway because I swear even I thought it was awkward.

So that was the past 2 stressful days and I'm so glad it's over. And then we have accounting today! Guess what! I got my first accounting essay assignment. First page is the questions that we are supposed to answer in our essay, and the next 2 pages are filled with FORMATS FORMATS AND MORE FORMATS. Structured essay writing kind of sucks.... and with accounting theories included....... Life is amazing.

And there is also a History Of Ideas draft essay that we're supposed to draft out by next week and I haven't started a single shit and all I do during lectures is piss the lecturer off and make him threaten me by telling me "IF YOU DONT LISTEN IN CLASS, I WILL THROW THESE LEMONS AT YOU" or "if you are not using your ipad to see the lecture notes, I will use your ipad as a frisbee". Badass Rachel strikes again.

It's jasmine's birthday today and we're going to get her a box of everything pink and hopefully 18 things because she turns 18 today and from now onwards she can go clubbing every friday without needing to borrow and ID which means I'm going to be left alone on fridays :( Oh well.
Dinner with the girls tonight to celebrate her birthday and then on saturday she's throwing a party at some apartment she booked! Stoked.

I have failed. And now, I am rendered worthless, useless. I am condemned to hell. I don't deserve anything. I am the master when it comes to breaking promises and letting people down - including myself.

The biggest letdown yet. I let my demons take control of me. It's gone. I lost the fucking fight. 1 year. It took me a year and now they're back to fucking haunt me. I'm dead.

I’m afraid of what I’ll find if you want to talk tonight
See the problem isn’t you it’s me I know
I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time
And I’ll push you away
I get so afraid
I’ll only have myself to blame


And now I’m by myself 
So tell me how the hell 
How can I live without you now?

m e s s

I know I've posted this before but I guess I'll post it again.
I promise to not watch this when I'm away in Australia because even though this always puts a smile on my face, this just makes me miss my friends even more than I already am and it's getting unhealthy.





^ so that's currently me and my shitty feelings and fucked up face and fucked up everything argh ok lousy feelings please go away soon.

Can't wait to get home. 21 more days.