I applaud my ability to keep hoping for so many things to happen despite being let down so many gazillion times by so many different people. Stop expecting, so when nothing happens you wouldn't call yourself an idiot and hate yourself for being so stupid. I guess that's what they always say. But it seems like a challenge to do that. So. Hard. To. Keep. My. Feelings. In. Check.
Sometimes I feel like ripping my heart out and find a way to fill up this void. Empty.
It's always a little different, isn't it. When another person comes along in your life and you develop feelings for, somehow you convince or tell yourself that "this one is different than the previous one", or things like that. So every person that you like, is always a tiny bit different than the previous one and you somehow think that because she/he is different than the previous, maybe things would work out differently as well.
It's a wonderful saturday afternoon with the skies being partly cloudy and the wind softly blowing, causing the wind chimes outside to ring - this is all I need. I tell myself, this is all I need. I need to stop feeling like there's something lacking inside because craving for something unreachable is not going to work out and that it is only a recipe for disaster.
I have fallen into those deep sinking holes too many times, Rachel. Too many fucking times and you wouldn't want to get back in, because those were terrible days and everything was too morbid and depressing. The amount of shit we do to ourselves sometimes......... Alright. So lesson learnt. No black sinking holes again, please. This is my sanity begging to stay intact before I really lose it.
"The skies are blue, and I'm alive. So all is well."
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