exits and entrances

Too many thoughts and feelings tonight I can't seem to string them altogether so here is a sad attempt at trying to be as coherent as possible.

Too many times I've been told the same thing over and over again "people come and go" it soon looses it's meaning. Maybe that's all part of growing up, starting to realise things don't always work out the way you wanted it to. They always tell you to give it time, let it cool off, or maybe it's just something temporary- but it's not.

For far too long, I've always believed and dreamed and (as pathetic as this sounds) wish for some amazingly perfect partner to appear in my life and it would be as though they came out of a romance book/film and my whole life would be set. We'd cuddle in bed, hold hands and go grocery shopping together, when I cry they'd hug me until I felt better, picnic and walks on the beach bla bla bla everything sappy and romantic you can think of. Yes, because I'm a sappy sap girl and I swear to God I really wish I could change that. I want to stop believing that things are that simple sometimes. It's not as easy as 'I like you, you like me let's get together situation'. So many factors to decide upon, so many risks to take. As we get older, the amount of times we've got our hearts broken and the amount of times we've given away bits of our hearts to other people that we have previously gotten together with just ends up making us more cautious of giving another part of our heart to the current person we like. Too afraid, too scared, too much to lose. You put in the million "what if"s and there you've got it. Best situation to ever be in.

Maybe it's these life experiences that changes a person's perception of relationships and love which eventually makes us more wary of things. What ever happened to irrational, impulsive, passionate relationships, loving like you've never been broken, living by the true meaning of "you only live once"? Anyway I guess I can type all I want in here but all in all this is still going to fucking hurt and I've reached a point where I really like where I am right now with everything but I also hate it because there's too many feelings and thoughts especially when I'm in Australia. Hahaha.

Okay well that was an insight wasn't it? No it wasn't. Too many precautions. Beware, they all say. For the road to being with someone is a long, painful, excruciating, yet memorable and bittersweet one- filled with tears, joy, excitement, love and happiness all at the same time.

It's amazing how one person can make you feel that much and yet I keep coming back for more and it's becoming strangely and dangerously addictive. I think for tonight I'm blaming it in on human nature and the need to love and be loved, the need of some sort of physical contact that sends electricity waves through your whole nervous system and makes your heart beat fast, the need of feeling that somehow, through all these dissatisfactions you have with yourself, you're somewhat enough for somebody.

But at 17, what do I know huh? Such a joke.