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Tonight it felt as though I was slowly picking at the stitches that were so tightly sewn together one by one. Feeling each tug and pull from the words that seemed to fall out of my mouth. It seemed almost surreal, this feeling, because honestly it's been so long since I told someone about it. The stories that made up a part of me for a while, and during that time it consumed the whole of me.

Something about the day that made it seem like a good time to speak of it. The rain, the cold, the secrets that you shared that made me feel that I had to tell you a part of me if not it's not a fair trade. But haha, it never really is, actually. But I don't regret it. Tonight I realised that I can never let myself be fully rid of what I was and who I was, because it is me. It makes up who I am and when people pry me open just to see what that is all about, I'm stuck in the middle deciding if I should just carry on with this facade or just drop everything and just be.

Tonight you looked at me with those sad eyes filled with sympathy and compassion but yet it felt so strange and foreign. You couldn't get it because you were never there, and the thoughts and feelings I tried to convey to you in words didn't seem to get my message across. I never knew how to put what I felt in words, actually. I asked you, "how does it feel when you are at your lowest?" To that you replied, "well, it's when you feel like you don't have the energy to do anything."

It was and is so much more than that for me and I guess while you were looking at me exclaiming, "aww you poor poor thing", all I could do was look back at you with eyes filled with envy, amazed at your flawlessness and the way you can throw your head back and laugh so freely, fully expressing every emotion that seems to be coming from inside of you. I almost forgot to be bitter and angry like a little brat when you were telling me that I was a poor thing. Like I didn't need any more reminder of how much of a shit person I was and actually am (but I told you I was better and you agreed wholeheartedly) Haha.

You radiate everything that I can only wish for. You exude charisma, beauty and confidence all at once. And I can only look back at you and think, "I wish I were you." But then I went home and recited the words that I've grown to believe in my head again and now, I take my words all back. The only thing I can tell myself is, "this is as good as it's going to get."