If I'm self centred, then you're self obsessed.

It's been days. Weeks. Months, even. This will never end.
Excuse my incapability to string all my thoughts and feelings into something that can be understood because hell, I've been feeling so too much these days I feel as though my head is about to explode and my heart is sinking and being ripped apart and fixed back and ripped apart and fixed back again and again.

I'm not tired. I'm just sorry. I'm fucking sorry its tearing me up inside but you still think I don't care. You're right about everything. The words you throw at me and its the same words I've grown to believe. I believe you. You're right and I'm always wrong. It's true, I never bothered to stand up and pick a fight against you ever since I was young. I never will.

The only thing I can promise is that I'm trying. Even when I failed, I was trying. You just don't believe me. I guess I wasn't trying hard enough, I'm sorry.

So many times you've said things that cut right through me and at 18, I guess I'm supposed to not give a shit - but I do. I can't express myself and the thoughts I've been thinking so I've been doing one of the most pathetic things ever, which is to cry. I cry because I can't find the words to explain myself, how to say sorry enough to make you hate me less, how to fix everything up and carry this load of crap on my shoulders well enough to make you happy. I can't. It's tragic, I know.

Its like this mental torture I can't seem to escape. Even she said it. That you'll haunt me for the rest of my life.  You remind me of all my failures, from the day I was born, to primary school failures, to secondary school failures, and my current failures. You remind me so fucking much about them sometimes I really would like to scream into your face to shut up and I could probably list more failures I've accomplished for you to mock me with if you wanted. But of course, I'm the one that shuts up and let you go about my failures over and over again.

Words I've grown to fucking hate the past month: Discipline, Failure, Hopeless, Your responsibility.

If this is some reverse psychology shit you're trying to pull on me, it's not happening. Or rather, unleashing your unhappiness in life on my failures. I feel like that's what this is. That you've been so fucking unhappy with how your early childhood life / teenage life / early marriage life turned out, that you're just taking everything out on my flaws.

The logical thing would be to stand up for myself and fight for my own freedom and say what I feel. But I don't. I owe every success and every cent of my education to you,  right? The minute I do something right, it's not "Good job Rachel, maybe you're finally good at something." It was always, always "Ok. Good. So? Of course you're supposed to do well. Look at how much I've done for you."  I owe every success to you, but I owe every failure to myself. It has always been about you. And it always will be.

My amazing little brother did a compilation on our Switzerland trip. He's pretty good at editing, actually. Lemme know how he did! :-)

The year's coming to an end and I'm pretty stoked for everything to be done. Something that was "last year", I promise I'll be a better person the next year.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year people! xx

2013

It's been a good run 2013. 

I've learnt how to run towards the things I want so desperately, I've learnt how to run away from things that have hurt me, I've ran away from people including myself countless of times. I've taken the jump, I've learnt how to be brave, I've learnt what its like to be so afraid,  I've learnt how to fall over and over and over again. I have failed. I have succeeded. I have cried. I have laughed. I have laughed until I've cried. I have cried until I laugh. 

Like other years, 2013 was filled with ups and downs, gaining and losing some things on the way. 

In a blink of an eye, 2014 is about to start. I've only just turned 18 and 19 is coming!!

It's getting tiring but I guess time doesn't stop for anyone does it? 

I've conquered mountains this year. But there's still so many more ahead. Each one seems harder than the previous one, nothing seems easy anymore. 

Nonetheless, I've got God by my side and a great family who sometimes really drive me up the wall with the things they say and do, but afterall, they're family - you can't help but love them. 

With God, family and friends I'm so lucky to have- 

I guess I'm ready for 2014. 

Not fully, but kind of. 

To sum 2013 up I would say, "I've tried." 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone! xx 

It's amazing how people are able to continuously update random people of the internet about their lives and such. My blogging skills have died and I don't know if I'm planning on reviving it. Hmm.

Anyway I've been meaning to post something relatively positive up here since most of my posts are filled with so much depressing shit in them haha. Just got back from switzerland and it was amazing. The sceneries were breathtaking and honestly Switzerland has so much to offer, I really really enjoyed it. :-)

More photos on facebook and keep an eye out for a vlog my amazing little brother put together!

Till next time 

xx

What's the use of having all these plans when I don't have enough capability to execute.

Planning, that's all. It's the only thing that I'm good at. When it comes to the execution, I fail, I stumble and I disappoint. 

One setback. My dad was right. I handle rejection and failures so badly as though its the end of the world. It's true. Every time I screw up, I think non stop about the things I could have done to prevent it from happening and reasons why my mistake occured. The amount of people I disappoint, the amount of money I wasted, the damage caused to my parents....

lol Rachel no point crying over spilt milk. Should have tried harder. No point regretting, right? 

What's done is done. We all know now how shitty I am with my studies, and how I am one big fat disappointment that can't even get her first year first semester subjects in check. 

I really wonder what my dad would say when he finds out. 

Given up prepping for my interview tomorrow. Probably might just bullshit my way through, mentioning my huge passion for foreign exchange and how everything in that market works - hopefully trying to get the Associate director to like me and hire me to key in all his data that he needs on excel spreadsheets after spreadsheets.

I am a liar. I lie about liking accounting - anything about accounting, I hate. I lie about loving the ups and downs of a financial market, how that deeply interests me and how I feel that it might be able to help enrich my studies while attaining such a bloody prestigious pretentious disgusting degree in accounting and finance. I lie about how this passion for the economy and how everything works has stemmed from the environment I was brought up in, how taking economics as an O level subject helped to further spur me on to take this path in my tertiary education. I lie I lie I lie.

What I like? Definitely not the newspapers. Neither do I love keeping myself updated on current affairs around the world, especially things going on in financial markets - how they have a great impact on the every day lives of people, I don't like that.

It's nothing like what I'm planning to say tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will wear my nicest blouse and put on some adult-like pants, slap some make up on my face, go to UOB and lie. Hopefully I'll get what I don't really want. Because it is only rightfully so.

As we grow older
the iron ball attached to our feet gets heavier
we drown a little faster
sink a little deeper

Too often
we focus so hard
on trying to break the shackles
to set ourselves free
believing that there is a way out
something to stop the drowning

"I'm tired"
and
"I've tried"
are they really so different?

The moment when you realise that there is no key
to set yourself free
and that you chose to be this way-
There is only so much you can do.

Honestly I haven't been well-rested in ages. Every night I either get less than 5 hours of sleep or when I get a longer night of sleep, I get the weirdest, scariest and saddest dreams I just wake myself up from it. My sleeping pills aren't working at all. My energy supplements don't seem to be working as well. My brain doesn't seem to be absorbing anything at all.

Numb is the word.
Hope everyone else is doing a-okay. Much love to all my A level peeps, I suck because I'm pretty sure they're having a tough time as well. Sending all the love I can muster from my tired heart to Singapore. Muax muax.

Home in 5 days. A good nights' rest in 3 days. (I hope)

I only have myself to blame

“It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.”

I went back again. 

Tonight, I skyped my parents. It's so funny on the effects they have on me. Mum was comforting and encouraging, after seeing me in the state that I was in. After my mum attempting to calm me down, my father spoke. And I guess at 18, I'm supposed to be numb towards everything he says but it still cuts right through me.

I partially stopped crying and told my dad whatever I was going through and how much I've been trying to keep up and keep it in but all the did was throw his words around and it stabbed and stabbed and it hurt so fricking badly. It was loud and insensitive and it was cold.

I told him I was trying, he told me it didn't look like it. I told him I was tired, he told me it was because I was doing too much last minute work. I told him it seems like I can't be as good or even on par with the rest, he told me it's because I'm not bloody interested and that I'm not even bothered. I couldn't even reply to a single thing he said because nothing could come out of my mouth. He told me that I'm useless and that I don't even care and I have zero interest in wanting to learn any of this. I hung up on them.

After 7 months, I had my first panic attack. 11 minutes of hell and I hate every single minute of feeling this weak because of the words you've said and the words I've grown to believe.

I hate not being able to breathe. I hate it when my hands start to shake and my knees get weak. I hate it when I cry so uncontrollably I feel like my heart has sunk so deep I can't stop myself. I hate it that I have to clench my fists or hold onto something so tightly because if I don't I can feel myself slip. I hate hyperventilating. I hate panic attacks. I hate you and your ability for saying such heartless things and I hate that you can't see everything that I'm trying to do right now.

You're a hypocrite and you know it. You hate your job but you still do it because you have to. You told me that people who have passion for the things that they do are lucky, because only a few find them. You should know that I'm not one of the lucky ones. Tonight you told me that because I hate what I'm studying, I don't bother and I'm just going through the motions, that's why I'm not doing well. Today you told me that I don't try hard enough.

Mummy just texted me and apologized on your behalf saying 'you know he's like that.'
You CAN'T just throw around your words as though they don't hold any weight. I wanted to talk to you but you just never listened. All you ever think is that when I come crying, I am weak. I know you hate it when I'm weak because you said that weak people never make it anywhere in life. I'm trying. For the whole week, I've been trying to be as strong and determined as I can. Studying 8am to 6pm and 8pm to 11pm every day this week is no joke, but I guess it isn't enough to please you. You CAN'T just want me to be ok with whatever you said and make yourself think that the words you threw at me were accurately describing what I felt because it's not.

Just because I don't seem to like my subjects all that much, doesn't mean I'm not trying. It doesn't mean I don't want to do well. Just because I don't seem to like my subjects doesn't mean I want to risk failing just to disappoint you. But I guess without even doing anything, I already did.




1:36 am: my breathing is back to normal again but my heart is still racing. I'm back to closing my eyes and counting to 10 and trying to focus on the white walls I have pictured inside my head. 1 2 3 4 5 ...

Dreams v Nightmares

This morning I woke up with my eyes wet. I've only ever cried in my sleep once.

There's only so much I can handle and honestly I think I've overloaded everything that its packed to the brim and wanting to explode, but there's no time. There's simply no time to sink. I choose not to.

Maybe its due to the fact that I've only been clocking in about an average of 4 hours of sleep for the past week. Or maybe its due to all my inabilities to contain the stress I've been dealing with, trying to surpress everything that seems too overwhelming for me to handle. Maybe, just maybe. 

But I dreamt of you, and you. You came back. Its been years and I've been long over it. We were young and I was stupid and whatever we had were just based on texts messages and long phone calls that now seems so far away that I can barely remember anything. But in my dream you were so real, and you came back. In my dreams we talked, and talked, and talked some more. I told you about how you should have just stayed and how that yellow turtleneck sweater didnt suit you at all. It started to rain and I was sitting in an exam hall taking my exam, while you were waiting outside for me. We were then running about in some building and you grabbed my arm and told me you were sorry. You told me to stay. I cried.

You haunt me in my dreams and I get sad because maybe its the way my mind tells me that I actually miss you. We havent spoken for 2 years now, except for that call in january this year that lasted about 10seconds. Haha, I still remember how my heart jumped when I saw your contact appear on my phone screen. I bet you never think about us, or me anymore. But thats okay because I dont, too. But I do dream about you and when I do, its always around the same thing. So I guess I kind of miss you.

Evidently there's some hint of hysteria and madness that is apparent in my dreams but I guess its just the stress invading my sleep as well.

I dreamt of you, too. But from afar. You looked happy and in another dream of you - the one where I woke myself up because I was crying - you told me that it was never me. That I was nothing and that I never meant anything. This time, I really was nothing. You couldn't see me and you looked the best that you've been. I've never seen you smile the way you do with her when we were what we were.

I woke up crying, again. Followed by my 5 alarms ringing from my speakers and my phone. I looked at my clock, 8:30am. Which means I got 7 hours of sleep- the longest I've had for the past week. I took a deep breath, wiped my tears away, and embraced today.

Still alive but

Take me back to happier days. 

Till everything goes back to whatever it was, 

I'll be here. 

xx

Liquid Courage.

Last night I had a lot of fun. It was great, don't get me wrong. Surrounding myself with my friends who really know how to party it up, jumping, dancing, singing and being comfortable as shit in my sneakers in a club -- I loved it.

But it annoys me to no end that I'm constantly finding myself in this state after a night of partying where I think about the things that I've observed in the club. Last night, I found myself squashed between two couples making out around us. In between kisses, the guy, who looked quite classy in a suit and comb back hair was shouting to the girl's ear, "what's your name" and "how old are you?" you know, all the typical get-to-know-you questions that people usually ask when they meet you for the first time, except that this was done in between sticking their tongues down each other's throats. The other couple just met because their own group of friends pushed them together and the girl was shamelessly sticking her ass into the guy's crotch. Evidently they were enjoying that grinding session.

It's sick but I really wonder why people do it. Kisses and hugs don't mean shit anymore, is that what everyone is saying? I will never know.

Things We Lost

I haven't been reading and since I can't seem to find the energy to read long novels and since my eyes refuse to cooperate because they've been staring at equations and reports for a whole day - I've gone back to basics. Poetry. Simple, concise, and reminiscent to certain things.

I forgot how amazing poetry is, just a few lines beautifully written can cause your mind to wander off and it's wonderful. Sometimes it certain memories sting, but poetry is overall still therapeutic. 

I love it. Wish I could just spend my days curled up in bed with nothing on my mind and enjoying a good book. 

Here's one that of the short poems I've been reading over and over and over again:

Lost Things

Do you know when you've lost something-  like your favourite T-shirt or a set of keys - and while looking for it, you come across something else you once missed but have long since forgotten? 

Well whatever it was, there was a point where you decided to stop searching, maybe because it was no longer required or a new replacement was found. It is almost as if it never existed in the first place- until that moment of rediscovery, a flash of recognition. 

Everyone has one- 

an inventory of lost things waiting to be found. Yearning to be acknowledged for the worth they once held in your life. 

I think this is where I belong - among all your other lost things. 

A crumpled note at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between the pages of a book. 

I hope someday you will find me and remember what I once meant to you. 

L.L

Note to self: I hate myself for being so expectant and hopeful, only letting myself hit harder when things don't work out. 

My mind is crippling but my legs are refusing to give way. There's simply no time.
Someone once told me, it wasn't being lazy to do things. It was being fearful to do it. Too afraid to try.
Wish I was strong enough for myself but I can't even be bothered to fix anything within me right now. I'll just let it be and push them back at the back of my head while I continue to push forward. There's no way but up right now. To head back down is a road too dangerous because I risk everything. Even if my everything right now is barely anything, it's still something that keeps me going.

Breathe. In a months' time I'll be back in Singapore and away from this madness.

IT'S LIKE NOTHING I DO IS WORKING.
NOTHING.
WORKS.
ANYMORE.

HOW DO I GET THINGS TO WORK. HOW DO I GET THINGS TO HAPPEN. I'M TRYING BUT NOTHING IS MOVING WE'RE ALL STUCK AT THE STARTING POINT.
I NEED THINGS TO WORK.

I NEED TO GET RESULTS IN AT LEAST SOME ASPECTS OF MY LIFE.

I hate how you ruined me you fucking ruined me I hate that I let you in I hate that you did this to me without even realising the damage that you caused I hate that I never let myself heal I hate that I let myself feel this way I hate how it changes every single damn way I think now I hate that you can be so happy and I can't I hate that you ruined me I hate that I let you I hate that you can be so happy and I can't I hate it I hate this I hate being this torn up I hate thinking like this I hate being like this I hate letting myself be so vulnerable because of you I hate being alone I hate being lonely I hate being able to still feel this way after so long I hate it because it meant it never left I hate being this low being this broken whenever I get reminded of something I fucking hate it I hate it

I want to love myself I really want to feel worth something I want to be happy I want to be loved I want to be as good as before I want to find the same type of happiness so many people around me seem to have I want to have confidence I want to feel good about myself even just for a bit


But I can't, and I doubt I ever will. Things hit too hard back then and it got me feeling that I deserve none of this. I know for a fact now that I am condemned to this way of thinking until I finally find a way to untangle myself out of this mess I created for me to drown in.

You're detestable. But I find myself more appalling and loathsome than you ever will be in my eyes.

Sometimes I really wonder why I do this to myself. And I can only come back after everything and laugh at my stupidity in believing in myself too much.


Note to self: Never, ever think that this is good enough. It's not and it never will be.

Midnight rambles.

Some people just get lucky.

Others don't.
On saturday night I found myself somewhere where I never wanted to be, caught up with my own emotions I've been trying to suppress for too long. I've come to hate how it feels like to be weak, or even let myself feel vulnerable for a moment. Too many times, I've convinced myself that there's no time to be this way and it is completely redundant to be feeling like this because this is how it is - it's just a matter of accepting facts.

Let me just give a fair warning that choking back on tears, and finding yourself unable to speak because you know you'll give way the moment something comes out of your mouth- is definitely not something you will enjoy.

I felt completely out of whack and half impressed at my capability to break down and hyperventilate for a few seconds and piece myself back together in the next few seconds laughing at how stupid this whole situation is. I'm tired.

It's true. I'm tired of being happy for others. I want to be selfish and be happy for myself for just once. One time. Be it because of greediness, because I'm self-indulgent and egoistic, whatever you may call it- I want to be happy for myself.

Does this even make sense? Maybe not. Maybe I don't deserve any of this.

I'll remember nights alone
And waking up to dial tones
Always found my greatest moments
In the sound of your hellos
Now I struggle to recall
The reasons you would come to leave
Oh, calamity


It's such a shame that we play strangers
No act to change what we've become
Damn, it's such a shame that we've built such a wreck out of me
Oh, calamity
Oh, calamity





Now I struggle to recall the reasons you would come to leave.

Don’t have expectations.

They can lead to disappointment. Have goals and dreams, but don’t have expectations. Sometimes we expect more from others just because we would be willing to do that much for them, but that’s what leads to disappointment. Do things for others without expecting anything in return. That way when you do get something, you’ll be happy, but if you don’t get anything, you’ll be content, as well.

I don't know how to carry on. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to feel.

Sense of urgency, please work your magic. I'm desperate but I procrastinate too much.

Eighteen.

Warning: complete word vomit right here but lets deal with it cause we only turn 18 once. 

Basically I don't really have many photos of how today went down but it doesn't matter. These photos were stolen from some of my friends instagram. Credits to Jasmine, Shona and Aralin.

This may sound egoistical honestly, I'm not trying to brag here (or actually i might be bragging about how amazingly awesome my friends are lol) but yeah each year I always get really touched by how I've somehow managed to score the craziest and sweetest friends. :-) Truly such blessings.

Every birthday has been different but they're all still so special to me. Even though I've celebrated my birthday twith the addition with new people that came into my life this year- aka the crazy palmie kiddos Shona Philip Giselle and Braden, and Jodie that came all the way from Singapore. It still gives the same warm fuzzy feeling.


Didn't even want to celebrate anything this year, actually. Since wednesdays were my worst days of the week with the shittiest timetable, it was already such a downer to everything. So all I wanted was just a small dinner with my friends. Never would I have ever guessed I would be surprised 3 times today.

Thank you Jasmine, for coming over to college square, throwing away all sorts of image you might have, walking here in your sweats, hoodie and specs. Passing me the weird heart shaped like banana crepe you made wrapped up in cellophane (it was amazing, given the fact that you NEVER cook at all), and the 2 packets of seaweed that had to make do for your inability to cook seaweed soup for me, it's ok its the thought that counts. I still love you.

Another huge thanks to the Palmie kids, Shona Giselle Philip and Braden for also bracing the cold spring air at 12am, coming over holding 2 big containers with homemade dobukki and kimchi fried rice (c/o Shona and Giselle) ((ps it tasted BOMB)) Thank you to nette and tim for also coming down to celebrate my birthday. :-) Talked and ate till 4am, and I really couldn't think of a better way to kickstart my 18th birthday. Can't believe we've only known each other for 8 months and it's amazing to be able to find such crazy silly and funny friends like you guys in melbourne.

The third surprise was as unexpected as the first two, thanks to the mastermind of Jodie Poh Jing Fang. Thank you for planning everything, and involving my two crazy bitches Jasmine and Yin. Thank you for the wonderful pink sparkly unicorn as a home decor, the makeshift bread cake, the hello kitty gifts and all the pink balloons you guys blew up.

Also had my two neighbours next door knock on my door with a big box of brunetti's, filled with small cakes for me. Seriously didn't think they would know it was my birthday but HAIYO really guys pls. Huge thanks to Yunyi and Gerald. :'-)

Extremely grateful for you guys, and it was honestly really heartwarming to see all of you guys come together to celebrate my 18th because turning 18 really isn't all that much.

Every year, seemingly we get less and less birthday wishes- be it on twitter, on facebook etc etc. But what I've come to realise is that the ones that you really treasure are the ones that bother to remember, and bother to wish you. And yes, that means everyone that texted/whatsapped me THANK YOU.

Thank you Jamie Nicole Pam Ame Aralin Cassie for the wishes. I really miss you guys and I wish you guys were here. :-(

Anyway here marks the end of my HAPPY birthdays. By that I mean, from when I turn 19 onwards, it won't really be a happy event because I DONT WANNA TURN OLD ANYMORE. >:-( I'm done with turning old. Okay that's the end of my birthday rant. So thank you everybody for making my 18th so special. Touched la guys, I'm so touched ok. Again, don't know what I did to deserve you guys but I guess I got lucky. Thank you for being such blessings in my life. :-)

Cheers to turning 1 8.

Haven't been anywhere close to breaking point until friday night- 

over hot chocolate and a slice of cake, 

I spoke and the words that fell out of my mouth seemed to remind me of the scars that barely ever healed. 

Just like the memories that never left. 

They never went away and they still hurt me every single time. 

You were clumsy with your words and I was clumsy with my heart. I wish I could make everything disappear as effortlessly as you did with us. 

Sometimes I really wish I could effortlessly calculate the seemingly endless string of equations they give us in QM tutorials like some of my friends can. Or wish that I could immediately grasp the concept of asset fixtures and placing the right figures into the right ledger accounts so easily like some of my classmates- rather than spending 3 hours on a sunday night wrecking my brains doing it when my classmates come to class totally unprepared but still manages to answer all the questions right. 

It's hard. People always say its hard here but they always end up scoring distinctions and its something that really puts me off because IT'S HARD. Excruciatingly hard for me, because every single day I'm finding it such a chore to wake up and face the same shit over and over again. It's tiring to even live through the week and I can't think of what's going to come at me the next week because there's too many assignments due back to back and too much shit clogging up my brain to last me through one week. 

My energy is running out and I wonder where my passion went. Did I even have any to begin with? 

suddenly turning 18 doesn't seem all that fun anymore.

side note: Today in church I learnt about God's relentless unforgiving forgiving love, about shame and being stuck in our past mistakes. I might have managed to grasp the concept of letting go today. And that's a good thing. I will believe that it is.

For the longest time, I've been praying and wishing that one day I can be untangled from the mess I trapped myself in and thoughts I've been choking on. And today marks the right step in the right direction. I don't mean to boast about it on my blog but this just serves as a reminder for me that I'm actually going somewhere right.

Slowly, but surely I'm on the right track.

Absolutely despise people who like to glorify their own problems and indulge in it, making it seem like its a bloody sob story and everyone should show their bloody concern and tender loving care. There's a million and one things to be bothered about and being so self obsessed and expecting people to give a shit when you amplify what seems to be a small bump in the road is just disgusting and shameless.

You're not depressed if you announce, or subtly even hint to people claiming that you are. You are not self harming because you feel that's the only release you feel that you can take and deserve when you boast about your cuts to everyone. You are not going to get any concern from anyone when you blatantly announce that drinking and clubbing is the solution to every single god damned problem you have and this is only coming out because of one small bump in life, one tiny small bump where you barely got your heart broken.

It's sick and disgusting for someone to do that because damn it, there are people who went through or are going through real things and issues with themselves and they don't ever proclaim and do things the way these people do it that want nothing but attention for themselves. Because when you're depressed and sinking, when you self harm because you feel that's everything that you deserve and nothing is lower than that and it sickens you to the bone- you don't tell anyone let alone glorify these things because you know you deserve this and you don't need anyone's pity and concern because there is nothing to be sad about because this is what it is and you're alone on it.

So please, for the people who seem to love glorifying and showing off their neatly cut wrists, thighs, stomachs whatever, and self proclaiming that they have so called depression just because they can't get over certain people in their lives- at this point, there isn't really anyone that you should get over except yourselves.

Dear people of the internet,

it seems like after 8 years of blogging rubbish/thoughts/feelings/howmydayswent or whatnot..... my blogging bug is finally dying out.

I'm running out of things to talk about and its like nothing interests me anymore. And all I ever want to blog about is to tell you guys how much I question my purpose in life more and more each day as I sit in more lectures I hate in uni. Because really, why am I learning crazy ass hard formulas and trying to balance hypothetical business transactions every week when it's something I'm not even passionate about?

My dad once told me that those who get to study and work for something that they're really excited and passionate about are lucky because that only happens to a few. Guess I'm not so lucky.

ANYWAY since my life is slowly edging towards nothingness and emptiness, all I can ever do is stare at my tutorial homework and watch downloaded (crappy) korean dramas - I now warn you, to never watch "To the Beautiful You" because it's a rubbish interpretation of the Hana-Kimi story thingum.

So fellow friends and beloved readers who actually still come by this empty, useless space:

I really appreciate it but maybe it might be time for us to say our goodbyes.
But before we do,

please tell me something, ANYTHING about your day/ your life/ a story or a joke you just heard or WHATEVER YOU THINK OF HEREHEREHERHEHREHERHERHEHREHRE

I beg of you. Before I watch even more shitty korean dramas and I will fail my entire semester.

:-)

take care xx

Meeting different people have different effects on me and sometimes I don't even know if it's a good thing or not. People say that ignorance is bliss and sometimes not knowing certain things might actually be good for you.

But am I good enough though?

When you're constantly surrounded by people who are of the same kind it's hard not to wonder about the fact that if you actually belong to the right crowd.

Weekends are spent procrastinating on assignments that are due in 7 days' time.
University is really sucking the life out of me and I need a break NOW.

So keep in happiness and torture me while I tell you let's go in style

FearlessRecords just uploaded acoustic sets of Vic from PTV playing two of my favourite songs from them. Truth to be told their whole album "Collide With the Sky" is pure genius, go take a listen if you haven't already.

Haven't really been listening to them lately and stumbling upon them again really brings back memories to when I was blasting their music almost 24/7 - presoundwave and post soundwave period. (haha my palmerston friends can totally back me up on this)

Got reminded on why the lyrics meant so much to me back then and how I always believed that music can make someone feel better- it really did. I went to soundwave, saw them play my favourite songs live, and I was 100000x better. No joke. 

Really missing soundwave though. 

Last night Jasmine stayed over and we ate, talked and watched a korean show. We woke up this morning and I cooked spaghetti for the both of us. We caught up on so many things we missed out on each others' lives, talked about our early Trinity days where we spent our weekends getting drunk with Chaewon, doing the stupidest things with Chaewon and Sherwynn etc. Planned our korea trip in January, which I am super duper excited about. 

Can't wait can't wait can't wait. Can January 2014 come any sooner?? I'm so sick and tired of uni already. Everything's really fast paced and it's like I'm slowly lagging behind when everyone seems to be right on track. 

-deep breaths- The aim is to survive till the end of each week and that itself, is a success. 

Well, fuck what am I supposed to be? 

Impressed?

You're just another set of bones laid to rest. 

/

Hope you had a really good time. 

Deadlines will seriously be the death of me. #punintended

Quantitative Meothods, I really hate you. But not as much as Financial Accounting. Because that honestly takes my hate for accounting to a whole new level.

Missed church today because I was up till 3 trying to create a fricking beautiful histogram and constructing 2 frequency tables with 2000+ data in it.

God please forgive me for the sins I have done. :-(

Stumbled across this video again today. 

Found myself smiling and laughing at the video and how ridiculous I looked. 

I miss all of my friends. Every single one that made it to the airport to send me off. And it really amazes me at how much things can change in one year. Some people aren't as close as they were anymore, people move on, bla bla. 

This is the epitome of bittersweet, and I doubt anything can ever top that.

Don't know if all of this that has been happening recently is a sign or....
well maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. I don't know.

Today I was crossing the road to get to the tram stop with Tim and Shona, and I bumped into one of my ex-trinity classmates- we were never actually that close, mainly on a hi-bye basis. She was waiting to cross the road with her ear piece on. We waved while walking past each other but a second later she stopped to face me, took out her ear piece and said, "You look very pretty today, Rachel!"

It was by far one of the most sincere compliments I've ever received. Not that I get it a lot, because I don't ever really get them, neither do I actually believe in them but I was really touched that someone I barely even knew would say something to someone she barely even knew as well.

On wednesday there was a guy that introduced himself to me but nothing happened. But it's still a right step in the right direction, right? I mean I managed to actually carry out a conversation with a total stranger alone. Even though I awkwardly went back to waiting for my friend and continuously checking twitter, I mentally gave myself a pat on the back for at least trying and stepping out of my comfort zone.

On Tuesday a guy in my class moved from his table to sit down with me and introduced himself and we did pair work together. I didn't stutter, managed to make sufficient eye contact and didn't die from nervousness.

This is definitely not an ego boost or in any way boasting, but this may be the kind of confidence I've been lacking for a very long time now. Not that I have any confidence, but I can feel it building up slowly, like from a -1 to like a 0 now. Bit by bit, I'll be better again.

Tim has been consistently telling me that I shouldn't be so negative about myself and have a more positive outlook on life. (maybe this is because he's taking "positivity" as his breath subject in uni lol)
It's rubbing off me and I'm not complaining. Surrounding myself with the right company, good vibes and lots of laughter is always good medicine for the soul.

I'm glad things are slowly starting to turn around.
Hopefully things are going to get better.

Someone said I looked pretty today, and just for tonight-
I'll believe it. :-)

-intoxicate-

They say being drunk enhances your emotions. It's weird that I didn't find myself crying my eyes out in the middle of the dance floor on friday. Because lately I've been feeling like shit, so when I got drunk, I should just have felt even shittER. 

Who knew I'd be an extremely happy drunk crazy bitch, screaming at my friends faces and squealing their names whenever I bumped into them on the dance floor. Dancing with my different groups of friends, even dancing with other groups of people on the dance floor haha. Laughing, smiling, pointing and waving at everyone on the dance floor. 

(All these were being told to me the next day after I recovered from a crazy night from partying too hard, haha)

Of course, a huge thank you and all the love I can give to my lovely, wonderful friends who took care of me when I got drunk even though some of them didn't know each other. And Jasmine for comforting the Palmerston kids to let me have fun when there was a gross pervert trying to dance with me. (I didn't even get his name lol)((ok i think he did tell me his name when I retardedly stuck out my hand to shake his and introduced myself because i assured my friends so confidently that he was my friend)((i think it was nate/nathan/nathaniel/daniel?!?!!??!)((i obv didn't catch it))

I was never the type who liked clubbing and drinking and getting drunk and all that flashing lights with loud banging beats and teetings. 

But dancing with good company, amazing beats and house music + remixes of chart toppers, and plus a little bit of alcohol to get rid of my awkwardness-

I'd say it was a great friday night well spent. 

this friday, let's go one more time. 

(I promise I won't drink more than 4 types of alcohol at once.)

So overwhelming. That's the only way I can describe uni life.

Maybe it's the first week jitters and moving around a campus I'm not familiar with, but uni life doesn't really seem that crazy and fun like what others have talked about. People say that uni life the time of your life. Ha. I swear that only describes my secondary school days.

Meh.
Maybe it's because I haven't settled in.

Maybe I'm just giving myself too many excuses to comfort myself with.

Ok whatever it is, I'm thankful for the friends I've got. :-)

megahugeupdatesorryguys

This blog might possibly die at the rate i am trying to survive on purely just mobile data and zero internet  at my place. Am currently in Sher's room koping some internet to surf the web- by web I mean stalk everyone's blogs, youtube, emails, and tumblr. Gosh, how I miss high speed internet. Here's a whole chunk of updates if anyone actually bothers to even come back and check on this crappy blog I mean wts I blog with zero substance and sometimes I come on and type a long ass post but I delete it anyways wow.

The past few days I've been busy unpacking and unpacking and unpacking some more. Huge huge mega huge props for Sher's help because honestly I might have died from a mental breakdown if I had to do everything by myself. The business of unpacking and getting stuff for my new place just helps block out any form of homesickness I might (still) be suffering from but I guess it's all being pushed back in my head as of now. there's no time. It's back to seeing my friends and family on the computer screen for now. (that might actually happen if I HAD INTERNET BUT NO)

Orientation starts tomorrow and I know I'll be seeing a shitload of my Trinity friends, and there'll be more familiar faces than unfamiliar ones but for some odd reason I'm still pretty nervous. And people who know me well would know that I'm terrible at navigation and that's just Singapore. Now I have to navigate myself through a university campus by myself so that is kind of freaking me out because I hate the feeling of being lost.

Times like this I really get what it means to have a love-hate relationship with change. Change is good change hurts change is different change sucks change is new change is change. It's a brand new chapter in my life, I get to meet new people (hopefully), and I have to stop feeling to sad about certain things that I should have let go a long time ago. Emily told me some things that I will remind myself whenever I feel like shit because she is my advisor and I love her. She told me all about perspective and how much it can change the way you think/feel. I won't forget the time when she said, "You know what Rachel, I think you've finally learnt how to let go." She mentioned that I seemed happier and less hung up over my friends back in Singapore, that even though I miss them terribly I still learn how to adapt and be stronger than I was a year before.

It's nice to see every one of my friends being happy and contented with everything in their lives so far. Some got attached, some are dating, others are doing well in school.
I guess its that point in time where everyone is kind of okay.

I should be too.

Update on the visa crisis: 

Decided to ball up and call Australia's immigration again, since the last time I called the lady was pretty rude to me.

Turns out my case officer was in the office and she was really cranky but Clement told me to empathize with them and be as nice and understanding as I could be.

Went back to sleep, prayed super super super hard but I had a nightmare that my visa didn't come. Woke up and checked my mail. My visa was granted.

Thank you God. It's definitely not the first time He's done something like this for me, and I'm grateful for the peace He has given me the past few days. And also, providing the right people at the right time for the assurance and comfort and I really really needed.  :-)

So what does my brother do when I'm curled up in the corner of his bed suffering from a panic attack crying my eyes out and trying my best to breathe? 

He takes out his ipad, puts on his ear piece and throws me a tissue box. 

Really really really needed this. Especially today. 

Student visa isn't here yet and I've been worrying and worrying and I'm still worrying because my flight date is getting closer and closer and if I don't get my visa before saturday, I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do. 

(You can't fly to Australia if you don't have a Visa. And I have a very important talk to attend on monday) 

It's time to let go and let God. 

How do you love and respect others when you don't even have love and respect for yourself?

2011

Initially, the plan was to find some keychains to attach to my new college square keys when I fly back to Melbourne. But instead, I ended up searching through drawer after drawers, opening up each cupboard and finding a lot of things I thought I've lost back in my secondary school days.

I found magnets, old wallets with crumpled foolscap notes squished in them, pencil cases with leftover pens with no ink, and lots of other junk that brought me back to my secondary school days. :-(

Feeling so nostalgic now, especially when I see such things at 2am in the morning.

Like someone once said, "Rachel can say she left the sappy, but the sappy never left her."
Tell me how can you not have all these feels when you stumble across old letters and a crap load of old junk I used to love so much.

You said that was the cheesiest, most unoriginal line in the book.

Funny how you use it now.



NTS:
Having 2 consecutive dreams does not mean anything. It simply means my brain needs some proper rest.

July Babies

Happy Advanced 18th Birthday to all my beloved July babies!!! :-)

Happy 18th to Glenda, Ame, Lavelle, Jodie and Pam! 

Love you guys so much :'-) 

Had a small dinner with the girls last night and it was amazing, as usual. 

Spent the night catching up, watching beauty and the geek and looking past all the beard and shitty dressing of the geeks in the show together, teaching them all how to tim tam slam (this has GOT to be one the highlights of my holidays), watching the 9pm channel 8 show, had Jeanette Aw reply me on twitter hahahahah it was so epic seeing everyone burst into laughter after finding out. Lastly, we ended off by having 18 cupcakes for the 18 year-olds-to-be! 

Glenda and Nicole stayed over and we spent the night talking a whole lot of crap, just like last time. It's comforting to know that some things really don't change. :-)

Hope everyone had a great night and I'm glad we all stuck together. 

I wouldn't change a thing, and it's really amazing how things just work out. 

(psst, thank you to Aralin for serving as a reminder to so many things I was thinking about the past week) 

x_x

I wish I had confidence. And right type of things that can bring about confidence. Because all that it is right now is a lack of.

To lack, is to be me and this blows. :-( Tell me where can I find my self esteem.

DO I EVEN DESERVE SELF ESTEEM LOL (MAYBE NOT???)

Rejuvenate

When there is a lack of posts......

I'm either too busy enjoying my holidays.
By busy I mean spending an obscene amount of hours on youtube, waking up at lunch time to catch running man on mio tv and then gluing my butt on the sofa watching even more tv.

OR

I fall sick.

Both happened and thus, it explains the severe lack of updates. (sorry to anyone actually bothering to keep up with this blog) ((i promise to revive it when I go back to melbourne))

Anyway.
The past few days includes me falling terribly ill, thanks to the crappy weather (thank you again, Indonesia.) And then recovering and heading out with Josh today and then meeting Jamie and Nicole for dinner! :-)

Wanted to post about my super enlightening day with Edmund and Emily last week but I seriously lost all motivation. I am so half assed to post shit up here I honestly doubt anyone reads this space.

Ah whatever, here's some photos from last week till now to entertain ~____~

Instagramming at it's finest ;-)

omg the day PSI was 401, I couldn't even take my shades off while walking because the air stung my eyes it was insane. 

The day PSI hit 401, I met up with my gurls and we all went cray cray taking mirror shots in the ion toilet. HAHAHA

It was also the day we established Cheryl looked like an OL (Office Lady), and it was one of the rare occasions we see Jamie in a bright neon top. (That doesn't even belong to her hahaha) 

oi dun play pls

The day PSI hit 401 was also the day that I made 2 of the most retarded fails anyone could have made. 

1. I missed the chance of asking this super hot (apparently, I didn't even see his face clearly) ang moh dude to take the group photo above. Jamie, Nicole and Ame were all dying. MY BRAIN CHOSE SUCH AN AMAZING TIME TO LAG ON ME AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT WAS MY EZLINK CARD HE PICKED UP AND HANDED IT OVER TO ME. 

2. Instead, out of all the random people in Ion, I tapped on a dude back facing us and asked him to take the photo above, and a second later, we realised he was a channel 8 actor. Asking an actor to take our photo omg I feel like dying. 

So now we all know, when the PSI hits 401, people get weird. And my friends and I just get weirdER. 

On saturday my family and I headed over to the Turf Club to have this omakase burger (??) ITS BLOODY GOOD OMG. Guys, seriously if you have a car and you want to try out some amazing burgers, try this. And their coke is apparently imported from Mexico and it tastes 1000x better than other cokes.

According to my dad, Mexico has their own sugar so they use that sugar to manufacture their coke so it tastes different and better. :-) 

Jamie's hugeass tissue prata 

Not many photos were taken today but it sure as well was a good one. 

Spent my afternoon fretting over the stupid application procedures I needed to get sorted out for the University and then headed out to meet Josh at city hall. Basically we went on a food spree, bought dad slippers to surprise him, and then we went our separate ways. 

Met Jamie and Nicole and we went on a food spree again. Bak Kut Teh, then nicole's place, prata and then Swirlart (which is the ultimate shit place for yogurt, seriously). But omg love love love these two mad bitches forever. It's been so long since I've had such a great night. 

I know I say that shit all the time whenever I come back from good hangs with my friends but seriously every time I meet them it's like I'm getting recharged over and over again. 

It's something refreshing yet familiar to hold on to when you're growing up, and I'm glad I have them. 

Have a great week you guys!! xx