2016 in a nutshell.

it's been a heck of a year. 

in jan: 

- internship

- breaking up with someone I've loved for so long for good and trying to get over that 

- just being in a terrible place all at once 

in feb: 

- moved into my last apartment and had to adjust to that, and a new housemate, and getting over all the rubbish that people were talking about when I got back to melbourne 

- was still in a bad place because i couldn't get out of the bed, i couldn't get out of my house and I couldn't bring myself to school

in march:

- still depressed, still trying to get by uni and everything else 

in april-may: 

- these are the months I always tend to forget about. 

- I remember getting slightly better and was counting down to the time i would be completely done with uni and all its shit 

in june:

- exams. 

- job crisis.

- crying almost every other day and hating myself

in july: 

- end of exams.

- Tasmania!!!!! 

- New Zealand (South Island)!!!!!

The happiest I've ever been in a while. Something therapeutic about being in a country that has almost NO buildings, but just quaint towns and beautiful majestic mountains and rivers surrounding us. I will never forget the views, the laughter and the experiences and I miss it every day. 

in aug: 

- graduation!!!!!! having my parents come over for my graduation was a little milestone i'll remember for life. The last time the both of them appeared at any of my school functions together, it was probably during one of my kindergarten family day performances. Also, my dad was in a suit! for me! 

- realising shit

dropped by the counsellor's for a quick check in and she told me that if I were to go to a clinic and get a diagnosis, i'd be diagnosed as clinically depressed because my anxiety levels and depressive levels were well above the average rate. it was something I cried about for a while but it was also quite relieving because a lot of the times whenever all my depressive/anxious thoughts come by, if I were to voice them out, i'd always be told that i was just "too emotional" "too dramatic" "stop exaggerating", and to finally put a reason for the cause, was a little epiphany for me. 

- packing up in melbourne

it was bittersweet and I realised i didn't blog about saying my goodbyes to the lovely people i've come to appreciate over the past 4 years of living there. I miss being completely free, being able to plan my own time and schedule, being able to be in charge of what to eat, when to buy shit, when to go out when to stay at home. oh my god. it is something i've really come to miss after i've moved back home. 

- moving back to Singapore and back into my home

it's weird, coming home. for good. it always felt like a holiday for me, something temporary, and something i could just tahan until my next flight out of singapore and back to melbourne. I think it was a challenge for all of us to get used to having me back at home. there was a lot of compromise that had to be made- since for the past 4 years i barely had to make much compromise with my living habits. but i'd say we did it. we all adjusted quite well, but there was definitely a struggle at first. 

in sept: 

- Taiwan!!!!!!! 

Travelling with my brother for the first time turned out to be really fun. I also met a friend on tinder there, and we still keep in contact. Meeting locals and listening to stories on their upbringing and views in life will always be one of my favourite things about travelling. It opens up so many other perspectives and makes you realise that the world is indeed a mthrfking huge place to be in. ah!! how I wish I could relieve those moments again omg. 

- Turning 21!!!!! 

it was such a great weekend, turning 21. I celebrated with my friends and family and I haven't felt so loved in a while. 

- Starting work

I remember having a shit time back in our orientation at JB for 3D2N and I was just barely keeping it altogether. I remember crying on the way to meet nicole lavelle cas and aralin at newton for dinner because my mother mentioned work related stuff, and i remember bursting into tears in front of them because I was so tired and so disheartened. I also cried every night for the next 7 days and my anxiety levels were quite high. 

in oct: 

- honestly a fucking blur between trying to get used to work, trying to maintain a social life and trying to make new friends

- also, clubbing almost every friday 

in nov: 

- tonsillitis attack W T F 

it was painful, it killed all my plans for that weekend (which was supposed to be quite happening) and I was stuck in bed crying because my throat was too painful to handle any sort of substance. 

- still struggling with work 

- got closer to some of my colleagues and we've now upgraded to the term "friends" 

- ryry & rayray what a fking highlight

and now... 

we're in decemeber! If anything, writing this post and realising all the shit I remembered going through this year was either pain, suffering or crying!!!! (minus the good travel vibes) It's true I guess, that we tend to remember the bad things more than the good ones. I read that somewhere before. My wish last year was that I would gain a little more clarity this year and I guess I did. A little. Being able to recall the year and the highlights is sort of clarity for me. In terms of my career, my attempts at romantic relationships, what's my next big step - it's all a little uncertain and still a bit daunting for me to think about right now. I've been slowly slipping into a low again and I've been trying my best not to!!!! really!! I'm really really trying so hard. Hopefully i'll shake it off in the next few days. 

What a fucking post. It's just mind blabber and a little choppy but there you go, future Rachel - a summary of your 2016 in one post. :-) 2k17, hit me with your fucking best shot la i've got nothing to lose. 

noostay

on sunday i had one of those dreams again. those dreams where i was meeting with an ex-almost, and i'm meeting them with their current/future partner. it's always weird how my mind constantly sets me up for disaster. 

this time around, it was you sitting in the front seat of the car and me realising that you had a beautiful wife and 2 kids with you in the car, together with your mother in law. you had the nerve and the audacity to call me along for lunch together with you. and the shock and the feeling that i had been punched in the stomach that came right after watching you so lovingly speak with your wife, and how you played with your sons - felt so real. my nightmares are always the same. they were alwasy about ex lovers loving their future partners in ways that they never loved me. and i was always somehow there witnessing their affection. in a way would that be me craving that sort of affection but at the same time denying myself of it? i don't feel as though i am worthy enough of being loved that way, so I project all that desire onto my ex-almosts future or current partners. 

it was something hard to swallow and it woke me up on a sunday morning at 6am. I couldn't figure out why i had dreamed that dream so vividly, and i remembered everything that happened. I texted you the whole dream at 6am before i fell back asleep, and for a long while in the morning, i thought the dream was real and you were hiding at 40 year old wife and 2 kids from me. it's funny. 

I can't see us in the long run, but feelings creep up on me once in a while and perhaps like you said, "you're perioding damn hard". Let's just blame it on the hormones because it's so much easier than dealing with unnecessary feelings.  

when words meet heartbeats

there's always something about going through all the letters you've accumulated throughout your schooling years, and watched how the conversations slowly evolved over time. I found myself reading more letters than i thought, laughing at all the stupid shit my friends and I used to talk about. I particularly miss writing to Yiyun, though. It's a shame we stopped talking after she left TK, I wonder how she is now. She wrote so beautifully in our black book. We used to pass the book to each other, building our small little world of Joe/Nick fanfiction. We also wrote about our crushes in school and laced our fantasies together with lyrics from indie bands, and of course- Jobros. 

Days back then were so much easier tbh, we wrote about crying when we didn't complete our amath paper, how shit we felt when the girl we used to think was cute didn't look our way that day in the canteen... That warm fuzzy feeling when I read through all our writings in the black book. Things so trivial, but expressed with so much raw emotion, honesty and lyrics all together in a paragraph. Sometimes I wish I could write so eloquently and beautifully like her. It's still something I appreciate 6 years later. Gosh, has it really been 6 years since I was 15? My goodness. Time is fucking flying. 

I miss writing letters to friends and having them write letters back to me too. It was a feeling that cannot be explained nor replaced. You can't instigate the same feeling by having someone write you an email, or a blog post. It's different when things are handwritten, scribbled across a piece of paper. I forgot how wonderful it is to receive letters filled with emotion, humour and honesty. 

Maybe I'll start writing letters again. It's always the time of the year where we start looking back at the shit we've done in the year and start looking forward to the shit we're about to do in the new year. 

Tonsillitis

got a bad case of tonsillitis over the weekend and i can never get over how excruciatingly painful it is to get through it. i mainly spent friday night, saturday and sunday in bed sleeping and waking up crying because of the pure physical discomfort. the fever, the act of even drinking water, the throat, the swollen tonsils, head aches, body aches and chills. it's been a hell of a weekend fighting tonsillitis. i'm just glad i managed to get 2 days off from work to really stay home and recuperate. i've been thinking and not thinking of a lot of things. and i guess this is probably why my mother used to say, "students have all the time in the world to think too much." and there's some truth in that. i barely have the time to myself to really sit down and absorb a lot of what i've been exposed to. it's sort of living life and watching it pass you by at the same time, which is a little bit ignorant. but would this be considered part of the hustle? i also now see why people can't seem to get off work even though they're on MC. i was on my work laptop on both days just checking up on emails and i've gotten plenty of my colleagues on skype asking me to f off and rest up, which is sweet, really. i've grown to appreciate them a little bit more now. i met nat today, and it felt so good catching up with old friends from melbourne. there's always a little magic in rekindling fond memories and hearing new stories of friends in melbourne and all their adventures. it's been a tiring weekend, and i'm glad i've came out of this tonsillitis shit alive. i miss everything about being free, and the MC helped a bit with the resting so i'm glad. 

i haven't been writing because i haven't been thinking. i miss writing. but it's good (??) that i've stopped thinking so much? 

bellend.

it is only normal to crave physical intimacy and to want someone so badly despite having little to no emotional attachment. you do not put your self-worth in anyone else's hands. not through the empty messages exchanged, the quick kisses underneath flashing lights and loud music, the silence the next morning, and the urge to double text. it's always the push and pull. my father told me to never make myself look cheap. i might have given it away too much but i don't see myself anywhere else but here. perhaps i ran out of the capacity to feel anything more than the bare minimum. i lose interest fast, find faults in people and i get picky. it's funny. i hate wanting someone like this, despite reciprocating this twice, i still hate being hung up on this. it's not like anything is going to come out of this good though. you use me the same way I do to you. so i'm letting it go now. 

Falling In Love

Sometimes life really has a way of letting me know that it is so fucking beautiful and I should really sit down and appreciate it for a moment. 

Travelling in itself has its beauty, tediousness and confusion all wrapped up in a couple of days placed a few thousand kilometres away from your comfort zone. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I take it for granted and ignorantly set foot into a country without genuinely learning more about its people, culture and stories, but other times like this, I. Fricking. Love. It. 

Meeting new people at home is scary enough. Meeting new people overseas gets me even more anxious and I have mad respect for solo travellers and people who are so comfortable in placing themselves out there to speak to people. But I am so glad I managed to pluck up enough courage (or faked it enough), to find myself 3 MRT stops away from my hotel, in a small little Jap bar, sipping on some bomb ass beer and sharing a pack with someone I have only known online for 3 days. 

We met for only a short while, but we shared similar perspectives, bonded over our common understanding of gender, family and relationships in general. We had the same worries, agreed on the same issues and laughed about a lot of things. I was so at ease and so comforted that despite the distance, be it by culture, language or the geography, our views on things were mostly similar. Having an opinion is great, but empathy is sosososo important and I have learnt over the years to appreciate it in every person I meet. 

I fall in love with good conversations too quickly. I say it like it's a bad thing. It's not. I am in love with the conversation we shared, that connection we had in that particular moment, and that look we both gave each other as we sighed,"why didn't we meet earlier." It's hard to put it into words but I know what I felt and my heart is full again. It's the same kind of feeling when I saw the whales and dolphins swimming so freely out in the waters of Kaikoura, the same kind of feeling of screaming into the prettiest sunset I have ever seen in my life in the car on the way to Queenstown and the same feeling of taking off your make-up and clothes, being at complete ease with yourself. 

Never ever regret putting yourself out there to meet and talk to new people. Though you will realise that you're no special snowflake- it's really not always all about you, okay? You will also be so comforted by the truth from the phrase: you are NOT alone in crappy circumstances. There will be always someone out there that will share the same sentiments, believe in the same things and have a similar understanding despite different experiences that lead up to gaining those perspectives. 

We are all human after all. That is the greatest common denominator. 

Break Free.

I am glad that your burden is not mine to bear anymore.
My heart does not break, feel nor empathise the way it used to with you.

I am my own person, with complete control of my thoughts, emotions and feelings.
You no longer have me wrapped around your fingers and I do not crumble at the mere thought of you and at any mention of your name.

You have never flinched at any thought of me that wanders across your mind, and now I can finally do the same.

In between being done with uni and coming home:

I haven't really been writing ever since exams ended but finally, I'm forced to come onto this platform after exhausting every single video and drama that I have been wanting to watch. My eyes are stinging from staring at the computer screen for about 8 hours, and my head is starting to hurt. So then I thought, what a better time to start writing whatever that comes out from my head now? I'm the best when it comes to timing. 

As usual, I'm always plaguing myself with a lot of unnecessary thoughts when actually, everything is fine and there isn't anything to worry or be sad about. The last few days were spent catching up with different friends that I've come to meet over the last 4 years here in Melbourne, some older, some younger, some closer and some not so close ones. It has been a while since I've actively tried to put myself out there to talk to people around me besides the ones that are the closest to me. 

The lesson learnt is that sometimes small talk will give you bigger perspectives in some things. As much as I hear people complain about how tiring it is to engage in small talk, I still believe that by making the effort and reallllly opening up for a conversation is something that is well needed by anyone. Humans are inevitably social creatures, no? 

I've had pretty good conversations with my friends in the last couple of days, with other days in between just spent alone at home, hidden under the sheets watching youtube videos. It's all about the balance. 

As the future draws near, with regards to work starting and a whole lot of uncertainty ready to freak me out, I'm constantly telling myself that it is okay and that change is really the only constant in life. Being someone that is a creature of habit, adapting to change usually takes me a while to get used to and the thought of packing up everything that I own here in Melbourne, meeting up with friends I've come to love and know here in Melbourne and eventually moving back into the same room I used to sleep in when I was 5 all the way till I was 17, scares me. Going back to something that "I know" is still something that I'm worried about because Singapore has been always associated with "holiday" the last 4 years and changing that association back to "home", as easy as that may sound like, is still going to take a bit of effort. 

I was skyping my mum yesterday and she told me, "it's been 4 years and now you're coming home. Come home, Rachel. Home is good." 

I laughed and told her, "Being home is always good, Mummy."

reasons why i've been finding myself crying the last 2 weeks:

1. stress from exams, the thought of failing, the scariness of not being able to do finance questions and answer the audit questions right

2. the future. job prospects. old people telling me that i should just take it first, help take off some of the financial burden from your parents. peers telling me that i don't belong in this industry, it's not for me,  I deserve happiness and fulfillment. a friend I know recently left his auditing job and went to work for the smart local. I asked him if the industry switch was worth it. he told me, "fuck yes? You put in so many hours for audit but it's 0 fulfillment. At least over here I feel satisfied and job fulfillment is at least within reach." another friend that's already in the place i signed a contract to work in told me, "well if you're going to do audit, be prepared for total shit." .......how shit is shit? i'm already envisioning myself with 0 social life, pulling all nighters and working long ass hours in small ass rooms that clients put us in. I see myself hating my job, coming home crying on some days because there really isn't anything nice about sitting in front of a laptop working on cash flow statements and balance sheets all day. But at the back of my mind i hear my mother telling me to suck it up because at least you have a job. why can't you see that? no one ever likes their first job? you can move onto better things anyway, like that bank job. like that compliance job. what about that law postgrad you were talking to us about? 

I ONLY SAY THINGS YOU WANT TO HEAR BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. I talked about the PR jobs, the advertising jobs, the post grad in journalism, but all i get are shakes and sighs from all of you. "We paid so much for you to get that overseas degree in accounting and finance, but this is all that you want to achieve?" "if this were the case, you were better off staying in poly and staying in a local u." 

I can't even disagree with those statements so wtf am I supposed to do. 17 year old Rachel hated herself back then and 21 year old Rachel hates 17 year old Rachel for making this decision so what do I do now? 

3. graduating. because, #2.

4. my life (as dramatic as that sounds) because, #2. my mother told me that i shouldn't for a second ever harbour the thought that my life is terrible and drown myself in sympathy and "complain that you don't get to work in a job that you like, because, here's the truth Rachel, NO ONE EVER WORKS IN A JOB THAT THEY LIKE."

5. exams. because i fucking hate accounting and i fucking hate finance and it's a shame i'm graduating with sub par grades that will get me nothing in the banking and finance industry. sorry i'm a failure for what you guys carved me out to be.

chin chin & lynnie

Today I had 2 friends drop me texts of encouragement for my upcoming exams. I want to blog about this because I want to remember that there are people that do in fact, think about me and care about me. Ha. Blogs are meant to be self-indulgent and self-obsessed, so I'm going to go right into it - no frills and shit. 

These 2 friends were once people that I held so, so close to my heart. If I were to think back on my early years here in Melbourne, they would be the ones filling up 80 to 90 percent of my memories. I miss every single bit of them, and for a while, I used to miss them so much. But as time went by, we all found our own groups of friends, we moved onto more important, self-defining relationships - helloooooo boyfriends, and I guess we all just drifted apart. No fights, no drama... just time doing its thing coupled with a bunch of taken-for-granted lazy excuses not to hang out because we were always "too tired" or "rushing for a group project". 

Separated by silences over messages, and the other separated by seas and land - we barely keep up with each other. The only way I know how they're doing is through social media platforms and that's it. They're always the people I still genuinely care for but lately, I've been shit at showing concern for anyone but myself. 2016's been a bit lacking in the department of showing care and appreciation to the people around me. I'm working on it. 

But today, they both thought of me and dropped me texts wishing me good luck for exams. Despite all three of us being completely rubbish at replying messages, the fact that they even managed to search my name, because our chat is probably wayyyy down in their whatsapp homepage, is such a thing that I should be grateful for. 

UGH I was just telling Jodie that I can't even remember what it felt like when I was living alone in College Square and I really can't remember how I spent most of my time before Jodie moved to Melbourne. 

But today, I just remembered that my time in college square was spent knocking on the doors of my friends living there, having dinner together, making mulitple froyo runs and having running man marathons in my small, but cozy little apartment. 

It's amazing that time flies so fast and in 14 days, I'm done with my undergrad studies. 

Intentions and Perspectives: A'A

Look...I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to ask you if you're okay. My friends always feel the need to tell me things, seems like they're just happier than us these days. Yeah, these days I don't know how to talk to you... I don't know how to be there when you need me. It feels like the only time you see me is when you turn your head to the side and look at me differently. 

Yeah, and last night I think I lost my patience. Last night, I got high as the expectations. Last night, I came to a realization and I hope you can take it: I'm too good to you. 

I'm way too good to you, you take my love for granted. I just don't understand it. I'm way too good to you. You take my love for granted, I just don't understand it. 

I just know I found myself getting lost with you. Lately, you just make me work too hard for you. Got me on flights overseas, and I still can't get across to you.

Years go by too fast, I can't keep track. How long did we last? (I feel bad for asking)

It can't end like this.

You got somebody other than me, so don't play the victim when you're with me. Free time is costing me more than it seems... sacrificing things, and I wanna tell you my intentions- I wanna do the things that I mention, I wanna benefit from the friendship, I wanna get the late night message from you. I'm way too good to you. 

Drake, you lyrical genius, you. 

Reforget.

Scientists are still not sure whether dark energy exists, 

or what role it plays in the universe, 

but whenever you and I went stargazing at midnight 

there was nothing surer than the way those constellations danced across the sky like lovers, 

joining hands, and how we laid on the grass beneath them, 

or sometimes made love on a picnic blanket until one by one, 

every star burned out. 

But now I find myself leaving you voicemails a little less frequently, 

and usually now when I Skype it’s to talk with my sister or brother, 

and sometimes I wonder what the inside of your apartment looks like now, 

since it’s been so long since I last saw it, 

or whether you have some other girl 

who knows you as well as I used to.

Stop claiming territory as if you were ever entitled to any.

First Thoughts After Visiting The ICU For The First Time: Val.

Sometimes life takes you from the law library trying to grasp the concept of bonds and credit risk as though it is the hardest shit you've ever studied, to scolding the receptionist at the A&E department because I have never heard someone (from the A&E!!) so unsympathetic, rude and annoyed after simply asking a few questions so, "could you perhaps have some TACT, especially for someone working in the A&E, what kind of attitude is this", to finding myself sitting in the waiting room to the ICU on a Tuesday night, acting as if I was the cousin of a girl I've never met before.

Everything I knew about this girl was hurriedly scribbled down on the back of my blackball order receipt- her name and her birthday. That's all I knew about her, and then suddenly, while trying to figure out what happened to her, with a few Facebook searches and googling, things started to get pieced together: A facebook photo showing that they went to grampians on Monday, vicroads reporting a car accident today at 6pm somewhere along grampians, and then an article saying that 3 of the people involved in the accident were tourists. 

It's so scary, how traffic and accident news that we so often passively glance through or hear on the radio are actually affecting REAL people. To large extents, even. It's perhaps ignorance on my part, and to only realise it know... but the magnitude of it all... it's still something that I'm trying to comprehend. 

Having her parents - complete strangers call me, was the first time I heard pure fear and worry for their loved one, in the ICU, 6069km away from them. They weren't within reach, but a stranger like me was waiting right outside the ICU for news about their daughter. 

"If you see her, tell her mummy and daddy loves her and she will make it through." 

"Okay auntie, I will." 

I still get goosebumps when I think about that. 

Being someone that is absolutely terrible with hospitals, terrible I mean like my knees turn real jelly-like at the thought of blood and I feel lightheaded and anxious with the overpowering sterile smell (which has a terrible association with death in my mind), but being able to make it to the door of the ICU, prepping myself to go all out to see a stranger, all wired up and bloody, to pray for her, was something that was a considerable feat, given my crappy ability to handle hospitals. I never expected myself to be placed in a situation like this and I am so glad that through it all, I had Jodie and Anthony that were so willing to provide the support and comfort by just.... being there with me. 

Val's parents are currently on a $3k flight to Melbourne right now and till now, they don't even know how she got involved in such a serious accident. They got a call saying, "your daughter might not make it", that's it. I can't even imagine how they must have felt and how much sanity they lost upon hearing such terrible news. Next thing they knew, they're on a flight to Melbourne, on a cab to the ICU. 

It's been such an unpredictable Tuesday night, and through this experience, it has really allowed me to sort quite a bit of my self-indulgent, narcissistic perspectives into place. The fragility of life has too often been taken for granted and the lesson that life is uncertain is something that I should be learning how to embrace.  

I am so tired... but there is so much to be thankful for and I hope that by writing this, tonight's incident can serve as a reminder for myself that you should always help someone to the best you can, regardless if you know them or not. 

Val may not be someone I hold onto dearly - I only know her by the scribbles on the back of my blackball order receipt, her one FaceBook profile picture I have access to, and now we're also fake cousins (i lied to the hospital), but a life is still a life. She has people that love her so much and while she's fighting for her life on that bed and through the CT scans tonight, her parents are fighting back tears and hoping, praying and wishing for a miracle only God can provide for their beautiful daughter. 

I can only do the same. 

Reply 1988, Episode 18: Goodbye, First Love.

"In the end, fate and timing do not just happen out of coincidence. 

They are the products of earnest, simple choices that make up miraculous moments. 

Being resolute, making decisions without hesitations - that's what makes timing. 

He wanted her more. And I should have been more courageous. 

It was not timing that I can blame - it was my many hesitations."

(I can never blame bad timing and fate anymore.)

Foolish Am I For The TImes I Come And Go

surplus ++++

It's simple economics. If you have excessive supply - too much to give, too much of you (the skin and the fats that drape all over your body), the demand will never be optimal. "Too emotional." "Too tall." "Too big." "Too rough as a girl." "Too nice." If you draw the graph up and look at the figures: 174 cm, uk10-12, 41 ... let's not even get to what my weight is because that is a fucking exuberant amount. 

All my life I've been told that I've been in excess. And so I wish for the day there will be a demand that meets this excess supply. People naturally seem to gravitate towards the things that are limited in supply. If it's a love that is hard to get, people go crazy over that challenge. The lesser your tummy rolls, the lesser the cellulite, you will be more desirable. That is probably why I am never wanted enough in these ways. Because what I have is too much in supply. It becomes a waste.

I ache for a love that I have never received, and the validation that I've been struggling to find in everything else but myself. I am always half empty, finding means and ways to empty everything else from inside of me because I am too much, always too much. 

Self-love is foreign and complicated. The hair on my arms stand when I think about loving any part of myself. My fingers are unable to tie the words "self" and "love" together on the keyboard without my mind denying any truth that that word might have on me. 

For someone to be told their whole life that they are in excess, it is funny how I feel inadequate with everything that is seen as excessive. 

I have been sleeping too much and it is evidently proving no good. 

21st Century Boys

I forgot how much I hated being involved in bro talk, especially with homophobic, narrow minded and sexist Singaporean guys. This would be about 80% of the guys that I've came across during my 21 years of interacting with them. 

One thing about being considered a "bro" is that you get to listen to guys and their "guy talk" and I'm starting to realise there are so many things that is not okay when guys "talk" about people. 

Tonight I was having supper with A and an acquaintance I just had just met, and obviously, we chatted about the topic about girls. It was not very explicit but still enough to make me roll my eyes and to be honest, I've been caught up in similar situations with different "bro"s and their conversations. It is getting sickening and I am NOT okay with things like this!!!! How have guys been able to get away with saying such things?!?!! It baffles me every single time. 

One guy will say something that crosses the line about females and pulling out some males-are-better-than-females-its-the-truth shit, and the other would either: 1. Nervously laugh and go, "eh bro, too much too much" and look at me cautiously to see if I would be the type to laugh like an idiot and nod in agreement or flare up and throw some shit back at them. Or 2. Join in and make more dumb sexist comment or talk about how boobs being more than a C cup would be "disgusting" because it "doesn't fit in my hand" (WERE BOOBS ONLY MADE TO FIT IN YOUR GOD DAMN HAND, BOY?)

Tonight I sat through a conversation where females got flamed for "geng"-ing army because I made a comment how one of them was in Pes C and joked, "you geng army is it?" He got all defensive and said he didn't geng army and the real people that geng army are the girls. Why? 

"Because, you girls have your PERIODS! Y'all join the army, next time go to war with your period and you tell your sergeant that you can't go out to fight because you have your cramps hahahahahah." 

Other dumb ass statements that I had to sit through during a short 20-minute kebab run:

"Damn it, totally should have dated her when she liked me." "Why didn't you?" "She was fat and ugly." 

-talking about burps i.e. something that EVERYONE DOES but apparently it's more unacceptable for a girl to burp than it is for a guy to do so????- "Confirm girls who burp that loud no boyfriend." "Dude. Just because she burps, you think she doesn't have a boyfriend? Do you even KNOW what you're saying right now" 

It's really surprising how guys casually speak with such mindsets that they fucking own everything. From the opinions of our body, where women are in society (hint: males are better than women) and basically just everything is about MEN and women are just!! supposed!! to!! be!! second!! class!! and!! never!! of!! equal!! importance!! 

I get that we girls have "girl talk" and we gush about that cute guy with the hot body and nice hair, but I have never been in a conversation with girls where we speak of males as if they are of lesser importance in terms of where they stand in society and putting them down just because of their sex so effortlessly in our conversations. 

I'm probably not coherent with this point and this sexism thing is a very debatable topic and I am glad that there are many more articles and videos raising more awareness about the prevalent sexism existing in the world, including Singapore. I was just taken aback again by the bluntness of this very typical "bro" talk that I've recalled myself observing or sitting through back when I was growing up in Singapore. 

Tonight just reminded me that the attitude and perception that Singaporean guys have are still sexist and I am absolutely not okay with it. Some of my friends think it is cool to speak with guys on this "level" of "openness", or some laugh it off and have told me to "let it go Rachel, guys are like that one!" Why do we actually let them get away with these statements that are obviously offensive and derogatory to women and if anything, this "openness" clearly just shows the shit perceptions that society has instilled and taught young boys and girls on their unequal places in society? Ugh. 

Lock Down

YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." YOU SAID, "EVEN IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AND JUST STAY, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME." 

i can't leave even if I wanted to. 

I'm Trying To Forget

Though I know that no one's listening 
I nervously rehearsed for when you're around 
And I keep waiting like you might change my mind 

Who wrote the book on goodbye? 
There's never been a way to make this easy 
When there's nothing quite wrong but it don't feel right 
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

a rush of adrenaline, chest tightening, palms getting clammy
took a sharp breath, acted as if I saw nothing, but
(I like to shoot myself in the foot. A lot.)

Agitated because-
it should be long over by now.

Look at you, getting on with life and all that shit.

I gulp down that feeling-
stay in, deep inside the pits of my guts and don't ever come back out anymore

(occasionally my stomach churns because of you)

What's Mine Is Now Yours.

Tonight I stumbled across this line, "Because you can't lose something that was never yours." And then it made sense again. It's in these small moments I find a little bit of clarity in the mundane days that seem to so quickly go by. 

I got reminded of this conversation we had when we were whatever we were, and I jokingly prompted you, hoping you'd text me back with the word I've been wanting to get from you for so long, "mine."

All I wanted was for you to tell me that I was yours in that moment. But you took a long while to reply and I knew you were hesitating. You were always hesitating when it came to us, anyway. 

So is this why it is so easy for you? Because you never saw me as yours. I was never yours to keep and to hold, so it was okay for you to let go. Because, because you can't lose something that was never yours. 

For a very long time, whether I wanted it or not, you were something I called mine. My best friend. My first kiss. My first heartbreak. My first love. My second. Mine. 

Was I never yours?

Dreams Like These Don't Come True

Last night you snuck your way into my dreams again. 

It was after graduation, training day at the office, and the lifts stopped working and I had to take the stairs to head down for my lunch break. The floor was packed with people and everyone looked bored, tired and rude. They were all in white and I was getting anxious, the type of anxious that creeps up from the bottom of your stomach and constricts your breathing. I was looking for someone amongst all the plain-faced and blank stares I passed, but I didn't know the person I was looking for was you until I felt a hand grab me, and I turned around and saw your face staring right at me with a reassuring look that made any form of anxiousness melt away into the ground we were standing on. 

Suddenly we were in the school toilet, funny because you weren't from my secondary school, but whatever, it's a dream after all. Dreams like these don't come true. We were talking and laughing but no matter how hard I try to recall what we were laughing about, all I can see is our scrunched up faces laughing at something so funny, the kind of face I get to see on you on days where you're laughing your hardest. The purest and simplest type of laugh. I still don't know what we were talking about. 

I was dreaming that I was on my bed back in Singapore because it was double decker and the floor was parquet. You appeared on top of me and wished me good morning, with that smile of yours that I can't seem to erase off my mind. You hugged me and told me to get ready for something, and you inched your face so close to mine I swear I could see your eyelashes so upclose again. I say again because if I just reached out to touch your face in my dream, it would just be like what I used to do to you when we were seventeen- my fingers traced every groove of your face, from your eyebrows to your eyelashes, to your nose, and to your lips. You smiled, but our lips never touched in my dream. I smiled back and then you disappeared. 

Sometimes I wish we could be the best of friends without any of these non-platonic feeling, non-platonic kind of love. I've been okay the last 2 weeks, and I haven't felt like sinking yet. 

How are you? Are you eating well? I hope you're not only eating bread. Is she giving you your allowance now? Are you guys talking? Is everything at home okay? Is school okay? Did you run for committee in the end, after listening to what I had to say back in Jan? Are you contented? How are your siblings? Send a flying kiss to the younger one for me. (Stop being jealous all the time whenever I say that). Why do you still like her photos? Doesn't your heart skip a beat and your chest tighten when you see her with someone else? Have you completed that song you told me you were writing halfway? Does she make you happy,  like the real kind of happy, or is it just another infatuation? Are you in love? So are you the settler or the reacher? Are you starting to wear your heart on your sleeve a little bit more or you're still as closed up? No really, how are you? Have I ever appeared in your dreams like how you visit mine sometimes? Do you ever miss me? Have you formulated words and posts and songs and messages to try to talk to me, like what I'm doing now?  

(I try to wash you out of my mind every night whenever I take a hot shower)
((But these questions always seem to pile up and I don't know what to do))

15 Little Delightful Things

A few of the good things that have happened over the past week: 

1. Playing a game of very intense Monopoly at our place on Friday night

2. I woke up before 12 noon every day the last week

3. I even managed to wake up at 7 am to get Lune 

4. Skyped my brother for 3 hours and mum for 2 hours

5. $2.15 honey soy chicken drumlets from Woolies for dinner

6. Possibility of dad coming to my graduation

7. My housemate cooked us beef stew and it tasted divine

8. Mastered the art of cooking kimchi pancakes 

10. Prayed to God about my group mate woes and the next day He answered my prayers (Thank You Jesus)

hang in there, there's lots of good stuff that happened this week - I'm almost done. 

11. Stayed home the whole of Saturday and lounged about in pjs and a make up free face

12. Attended the Melbourne Queer Film Festival with Jodie. It was such an experience being part of something so inclusive, so welcoming and beautiful. Also bumping into our Media, Identity and Everyday Life tutor from last sem made my night. Turns out he was one of the judges for the Queer Short Film competition. 

13. Laughing so hard because Jodie said that our tutor probably thinks we're officially girlfriends now because he always sees us together, be it at tutorials, lectures, consults and queer film festivals. Defo lesbos. 

14. My best friend, Mistika, found my favourite Lipton Peach & Mango tea in the aisles of the supermarket in Singapore

15. Hot showers on Autumn nights here in Melbourne

This week I've learnt to find love in the small things. 

If I keep placing unrealistic expectations on myself and the things around me, I can never be satisfied with how everything plays out - regardless of how good I've actually got it. It's terrible, I know. So the last week was all about placing aside my obsessive need to achieve unrealistic shitty goals I set myself up for. I've changed my take on viewing things a little this week and with a wider heart and quieter mind, my heart is delightfully full. 

Old People Teach You The Greatest Lessons

Note to self: taking that 30-minute train ride down to Springvale to visit my grandaunt and granduncle is possibly one of the best decisions that I have made during this easter break. Staying over for the night is also the next best thing. 

I've promised them countless of times the past 4 years I've been in Melbourne that I would stay over at their place some nights, whenever I'm free, whenever I can. But obviously, that never happened because I was too caught up with my own life and always leaving them on the back burner, only responding to them whenever the old folks decide to give me a call to check up on me. 

This time around, I decided that I should just stay over for one night and they have wifi, anyway. Called my mum up and she told me, "yah, just go. Go and stay with the old folks, it will probably help you feel better about things, you know? To clear your thoughts." 

It's a wonder how my mum always picks the right words to say, because when she said that it immediately made me feel as though I made the right decision. I gave up a housewarming party to come stay over at my grandaunt's place and to be honest, it wasn't the usual struggle to make a decision (I usually hate not turning up for social gatherings that people have cordially invited me to) (I also hate turning down people because, what if they will never jio me again in the future?). Perhaps I haven't been in the socialising mood the past few weeks so this whole social gathering thing did not interest me at all, so coming to the suburbs seemed like a perfect getaway. 

My grandaunt is about 70% blind but she still cooks, cleans and gardens. Last night, she called me asking me what I wanted to have for lunch the next day when I came over, and I have been craving fried beehoon with her homemade chilli for the longest time, so I asked for that. She laughed and also threw in the surprise that she would be making curry chicken for dinner since I love to eat curry chicken. I stepped into their cozy house and gobbled up 3 plates of fried beehoon - it was my only way of conveying my thankfulness and gratitude for these two old folks for always watching out for me since I came to Melbourne 4 years ago. 

(she even cooked pulau hitam and steamed 2 red bean buns she made the day before!)

My grandaunt also set up the guest room for me- clean sheets, towels and even turning on the small lava lamp (hello 2000s?). This afternoon, while I was catching up on my youtube videos, I've seen how my grandaunt and granduncle spend most of their afternoons. 

My grandaunt makes a cup of tea for herself and turns on the radio, she switches it to the cantonese channel here and tells me in the afternoon they do a cantonese radio show and in the evening, they do a mandarin one. She worried about the noise distracting me but I told her it's fine, I don't understand cantonese, anyway. 

I started coughing and she asked me if I had a sore throat. I was just clearing my throat, I told her. She asked if I wanted a cup of tea as well and then proceeded to make me a cup of luo han guo. It's the sweetest thing because she didn't tell me that it was for my throat, neither did she offer me medicine - she just simply made me a cup and told me to be careful because it was hot. She probably thought I wouldn't know that this tea was luo han guo, and that this was the exact same drink my mother always nagged at me to take whenever I was down with a bad throat, so she just made me a cup with the thought of helping me with that bad throat she heard just now. 

They're a loving couple, really. Granduncle's really quiet, he never really likes to speak but he's always the one driving his grandkids around, playing with them and also always hustling to come pick me up from the train station when I get there. Granduncle's small actions always blows me away, reminding me that love is not only noticable in huge declarations of love, but in small thoughtful actions, especially in old age. 

It's always the small things. He reminds me so much of my own grandfather, how he used to cycle to the market to get my grandma durians because she said she was craving it and taking full responsibility whenever my aunt comes home to discover that grandma had devoured 2 durians all by herself. My grandma can't eat durians due to her diabetes, but my grandfather never cared for that. As long as grandma got what she wanted. 

My granduncle sits on the chair on the right side of the television and stretches out comfortably on it while watching his HK drama. But when my grandaunt walks out in her pjs and is all ready to join in on watching the drama, with literally NO communication needed, he slips down and sits on the floor, legs tucked in under his butt, close to the tv and close to her while she becomes the person that comfortably stretches out on the chair. He mumbles a few sentences in Hakka to her, I assume he's filling her in on the show and then, silence. My mother and I have stayed with them the first few nights when we came down to Melbourne when I was seventeen and she always tells me that that whole scene of them switching places and watching tv is one of her favourite scenes of them. Today while on the way to their place, she told me to keep a lookout for that, because, it's cute! 

I sent this to my mother a few minutes ago, before starting this post: Mummy, here's one of your favourite views. And mine, too. 

What I've realised, is that if you hang with them for a substantial period of time, old people always teach you the greatest lessons and remind you of the simplest things through their actions and sometimes, they don't even know it. 

Every time I come up to visit them, I always learn something new from them and get to hear of stories about our family I've never heard before. Like the other time, I learnt about how they met in the small factory in their kampung and one of my favourite things is listening to them tell me about how much my grandfather used to spoil me with buying the things I liked - he always chose the prettiest dresses at the market for me, and how he used to be the one to voluntarily carry me whenever I was crying. 

“你的公公最疼你的，每次都买东西给你，每次你哭的时候都是他抱抱你上来上去”

People always tell stories of the dead to keep them alive, that was something I wrote a while ago and it's true, you know. Every time I talk to my grandaunt and granduncle, I always find a little bit of my grandfather's stories within our conversations. Listening to old stories and recollections always has this effect on me, like the memories are being ingrained in us the more we talk about it. It is almost very cathartic in a weird way. 

All in all, it's been a good Saturday away from the city and immersing myself with the good company of family. It is always good to feel at home and at ease.

How To Spot A Sociopath

How easy it must be
to be able to detach so effortlessly,
to be able to fully "live and let live"
without bothering about the consequences,
without caring too much about the other person (you have said your piece, anyway)
hanging onto every single last damn thing

How easy it must be
for those paradoxical words to roll off your tongue,
"I love you, but! I don't love you enough to try for something more."
They were always hesitating, never direct, never confrontational-
which ended up making me doubt myself instead of
doubting you

How easy it must be
for you to act as if I was like another fling, (maybe I was)
to be so incapable of understanding words and the repurcussions of everything
and even though I sometimes grapple with trying to find the right words to say
you could not even muster an apology sober (that came 3 years too late)
how dare you not take responsibility

How easy it must be
to have those fucking cute girls stupidly, foolishly lined up at your disposal
for your entertainment, company and to fill up the blanks in your social media
you must be so void of emotion, so desperate to seek love in all its wrong forms
your egocentricity runs in all of the things you do
I am constantly struggling to segregate the idea of you, the real you, loving you and having you love me back, too.


Sidenote: the other day, I was reading up about the traits of a sociopath and reading this list made me realise that you are a fucking sociopath.

"Think I'm Gonna Stay In The Grey"

Tonight, one of my best friends called me- I might claim to have a lot of best friends, but I promise, I don't. They're a special bunch. We've known each other for 8 years now, and through all the girls he's gotten together with, broken up with, I was always there watching from the sidelines and providing support whenever he needed it. 

He told me recently that he's gotten attached to this girl, and she's slowly tugging harder and harder onto his heartstrings. They've been together for 3 months now and he said he hasn't been this happy in a while. In a moment of honesty, he told me, "you know what? To be completely honest with you, it feels good that finally, just for once, there's this girl that loves me a little harder than the rest of them. She loves me a little bit more than I love her, actually."

I'm nothing but happy for him, he is such a great catch and this is cliche af but any girl would be so lucky to have him as a boyfriend. But after hearing what he said, I also realised that with the girls he previously dated, he was always the one at their beck and call. He was the one that was constantly hung up over them, being the one kept hanging by a thread and always just trying to mould himself to be their "perfect" idealistic boyfriend. It gets tiring. 

I've heard him cry over the phone about this one girl because he just. couldn't. keep. it. up. with her, and my heart broke immediately. No one deserves that kind of love where their partner places some unrealistic expectation on you and tries to force you into becoming someone they deem as "worthy to date" - be it forcing you to read more bible verses, or turning you into the shits, telling you something stupid, like "I'm not good enough for you" but still keeps you in their vicinity. 

Anyway, after catching up with him for an hour on the phone, my heart feels nothing for joy for him and it always amazes me how people can feel for people that they truly love and care for in such a way. 

:-)

M.Yeow

Sundays 

Eighteen

(I can't even remember when you first came in)

I walk into the room of familiar faces that I've grown up with, they were always present in my life - strictly once a week. But they were never close, never knew much about me and I never knew much about them. 

You came in only when I left for Melbourne. I've always noticed you sitting in the room, thinking to myself that you were cute - the studious, quiet type, of course. I never bothered to speak to you, or even ask for your name. I was always just catching your name when someone calls you, or when the boys in the room make fun about how handsome and how much of an ideal guy you were. I swear they're always a little bit jealous. 

I was always just looking at the clock on the wall, wondering what I'll be having for lunch afterwards. I'm always leaving, anyway. 

16 Jan 2016

Twenty One 

It was Mark and Steph's wedding and I contemplated if I should even turn up because I was never close to anyone ever since I left for Melbourne years ago. But I went anyway, we all grew up together after all. 

It was the buffet lunch after the ceremony, I was hungover, needed my food and couldn't really be bothered to keep up with small talk. I was halfway through my second round and suddenly you sat next to me. I was surprised you even knew my name. 

We started talking and really talking. The kind of conversations you have with someone that you genuinely find interesting and you get really caught up in it and you lose track of time and you realise you both are on your second plates of desserts that your friends so kindly got for you. 

It's funny you know, having a few things in common with someone that has always been there in your life but always taking up a passive role. We found out we only live a street away from each other - I've been living in the neighbourhood for 16 years and you for 13 years. "Why have we never seen each other?"" I don't know, life works in funny ways."

That day was so nice getting to know you and talking about our lives, family, school and goals all on bus 33 back home and back to CHIJMES in the evening for the wedding dinner. 

2 nights before you left for South Africa

We were supposed to hang out one more time before you left and luckily I decided to ball up and tell you that you were honestly so cool that it would be such a shame if I didn't get to hang out with you one more time before you left. "Don't leh, haha I'll walk to the playground this evening and we can go grab some drinks nearby our place." "Teh Bing at Fei Fei?"

We ended up drinking cider and beers at this place near katong. It was supposed to be an hour long catch up because I had work the next day and you had to pack for your 3 month mission trip on the ship. But we talked about our views on life, your rabak clubbing days, my rabak stories, and your dating stories when you were 14 and mostly driven by your hormones, so it became a 3 hour hang out session. It was such a fun night. 

Last Night

You suddenly popped up in my mind and I decided to drop you a text despite you telling me that you may me MIA for the whole 3 months because of the poor reception on the ship. I dropped you a text nonetheless, and you replied today. 

I wished you a Happy Easter and you told me, "It's good Friday, Rachel." 

You also sent me all the updates that you sent to our other friend, and to be honest, your stories have inspired me in so many ways and there's just really...something about you that attracts me to you. I can't even put a finger on it. 

Interesting people are hard to come by in your life and you're one of them I've been so lucky to meet. 

Thank you for talking to me that Saturday. 

Going Down Without A Fight (I Can't Keep Up)

It was probably a mistake
having two cups of coffee and a lao hong cigarette,
giving rise to my trembling hands
and have old friends asking me about my plans after graduating,
when I can barely make the decision between choosing a Mornington road trip this easter or
playing netball and a birthday celebration.

What they say is always right you know,
the choices you make define who you are as a person
and I'm always caught up
always struggling
to make the best decisions that I think would be good for me
to be at peace with my decisions without regretting the other

I've got too much time
too little courage and confidence in myself
to be assured of the fact that
I am going to be okay,
everything is okay and that
this lingering feeling of melancholy is just self-inflicted

It was probably a mistake
now staring at my shaking hands and having the bad after taste of the lao hong ciagrette in my mouth-
I can't swallow it down
not this aching feeling in the pit of my stomach,
this tightening contraction in my heart,
and not the thought of everything else that seems to be engulfing me all at once

"Even if you don't do anything and just stay, that is good enough for me"

In the shower last week
I had the revelation that moving on from someone and moving onto someone are two independent things
because that's the only time I give myself
to rationalise all the shit feelings I have about you
from your fucking social media
(they tell me to stop looking)
(but it is the only way I know how you're doing anymore)

At that park near your place,
the 500 days of summer-esque park benches where we counted the stars-
instead of always romanticising the tragedy that I may never get to see the stars with you again,
I realised that through this experience,
you taught me that if I just waited a little while longer, I would be able to see the beauty in things
you also taught me how I should always be
looking up and never down

We are a constant mismatch
but yet we always fall into each other's wavelengths so effortlessly
I cannot undo what we did and abhor everything about us
but one thing that I am slowly but surely learning is that
we are magnets of the same poles,
repelling away from each other despite every step we try to forcefully or unintentionally take towards each other

I've been running towards you all this damn time but all we ever do is
repel, repel, repel.

Heartbreak Rides For Free //  Zhang Jia Wu

Numbers and Time

One time you showed me sincerity in the purest form I 

wanted to hold you so close to me but it was a moment too 

wonderful to ruin so I just looked and took it all in. 

Two days after we decided to call things quits for the second time, it got 

too much to handle because for a while every fibre of my body felt like we could finally be 

together. I guess I was wrong again. 

Three years ago, I loved you with everything I had and showed it in every way I possibly could. 

Four months. It took you four months
for you to fall in love or believe that you're falling in love again. So this is me 

forgetting you. 

When They Say Misery Loves Company

Tonight Jodie told me, "it's fucking weird how you always seem to get yourself sad. Like you're constantly setting yourself up in shit situations, scratching and picking at multiple scabs, trapping yourself up in deep holes and wanting to stay there. And then suddenly there's this one good day where you're not depressed and then you get sad again the next moment because you inflicted it upon yourself. It's fucking weird. It's as though you like being miserable."

I could only laugh while I tried thinking of a comeback.

I couldn't.

The Glory Of Self-Inflicted Wounds

I think the best part of self-inflicted wounds is that you know how hard you can drag that blade against your skin, against your the edges of your ribcage - that calcium armour that weakly guards your heart, and how deep you want to stab yourself right in the heart.

You are in absolute control. The trigger is your mind and your own hands are the ones that hold the power to hurt. If you do this, there is no one in this world that can ever hurt you like you do. 

You do not give that authority to anyone but yourself.

I've forgotten but now I remember.

Everything about you makes me sick and I wonder why I even believed a word you said. I am so, so fucking unhappy it is such a suffocating feeling and I get anxious because I stress out that I can't seem to ever see the good in things.

I Hope You Sleep Well At Night (I Try)

I'm blaming this on the new bed but it's been a hard couple of nights falling asleep. It feels as though the uni blues are starting to kick me in my butt again. I'm trying so hard to stop everything from engulfing me whole like the last few semesters, like this new bed and duvets that trap me in my own thoughts and nightmares. 

Every night my thoughts wander back to you and it starts to romanticise this tragedy, this toxic breakdown of whatever it was, it starts to obsess and over analyse on things that I shouldn't be thinking about- the way you touched me, falling asleep next to you, missing our jokes and conversations. I fall asleep to the thoughts of you. What if I never love again like how I loved you? It's a fucking melodramatic line, I know, and I blame Adele's All I Ask that has been on repeat the last 2 weeks. Ha. 

I wake up and realise that I have things to do that doesn't require you in my life one bit and I know, that it is supposed to be this way- it can only be this way. I can no longer hold you the way I want to and have you the way I desire to. Call it greed, wallowing, obsessive romanticising this idea of you, but - I just want you. 

When I found out an acquaintance squishes his bread as well, instead of being ecstatic as fuck that finally, someone else understands the love for squished up bread, I was defensive, almost. Like this was our thing, you know? Everyone was against it but at least, at least there was always you there to back me up. Now there's someone else that squishes his bread too and I didn't want to high five and be mocked about squished bread with him. It was always our fight, our thing. 

I stiffen up at the thought that I could have a million things in common with new people that will walk in and out of my life in the coming years, that I have in common with you. There might be a few other people I will meet that will like the same music that we both like, some that may crack the same jokes that you and I both laugh hysterically at, some that might also listen to me rant about random news that happened and discuss about a fucking meteorite in the space exploding while North Korea was testing some bombs again all during the same day I was killing time in the office. That kind of shit. 

Oh, and perhaps, in the near future, someone that can show me that real love isn't the kind that tantalises and keeps you hanging by a fucking thread. You are not special and you are not my everything- just like how I am nothing to you. Like how you effortlessly infatuate yourself with girls that satisfy your superficial ideals. 

My best friend once told me that someone that has no substance will speak words that are of no substance. Something like if you're stupid, how do you expect yourself to say something smart?Someone that says but doesn't do, their words are rendered complete and utter bullshit. 

My heart can no longer carry the weight of your words and my ears should no longer bend to the sound of your voice. 

I've given up trying to tell myself that I should stop writing about you. At least it gets the thoughts of you out of my system and maybe I can sleep a little better tonight. 

I hope you occasionally look up into the dark sky at night and think of me softly from time to time. 

I hope you take out your phone and open up that stupid stargazing app you bought, and try to find the virgo star constellation we tried so hard to find but failed, and maybe just maybe you might actually find the constellation one lucky night. I've stopped looking up. 

Chart Topper

Tonight, you told me you were so happy for me until you teared while reading my message. Also, "You have no idea. Sometimes you complain so much I enjoy it."

(I cannot let you go)

The day I find someone that I can let into my heart again, I hope that they tell me that my complaints are something that they wouldn't mind hearing over and over again, just like how you told me that tonight. Even my mother tells me to tone it down.

I know the way you look at me when I am halfway through my rants. I catch it from time to time.

(I cannot let you go)

I told you that I hoped that you were holding up fine over at your side and that I missed talking to you as much as you miss hearing me complain about useless things.

You stopped replying. It's the right thing to do, I guess. I should have just stopped replying when you told me, "I'll see you in 6 months", with some ugly ass emoji. But I didn't. Because, just becasue

I cannot let you fucking go.

An Attempt At Structuring

BODY.

1. 

When they called me regarding the PO, my excitement only lasted for a short while and to be honest, to be very honest, if I were to see myself heading back there for work, I'd dread it almost every day. But I'm glad they called. Because this is exactly what I wanted the day I signed myself up for this internship. My efforts weren't put to waste, so this is what I wanted. I should be content. I am, I am, I am. I am enough. 

Tonight I am so overwhelmed by the sudden outpour of concern and love from random people in my life. An acquaintance- a uni senior, caught up with me over text and was nothing but supportive, in terms of encouraging me in my studies to my new apartment and settling down, to job offers in the future. I also shared the good news to whoever I thought helped me pull through the internship- very important people, and I am just so grateful and to be honest, pleasantly surprised by all their supportive messages and calls. External validation isn't something that I crave for, but all these affirmations from these various friends have been nothing but wonderful. I never knew that sharing good news with friends can trigger such reactions from them. 

2. 

I've finally settled into my new apartment and everything is starting to fall into place and hopefully by the end of the weekend, I will be able to fully settle in. I've filled up the fridge with some of my favourite things that I've missed so dearly and there is just something fulfilling about running errands and making a space feel a little like home. 

3. 

Tonight when Jodie and I were shopping, we went to 3 different supermarkets to try to find our favourite Peach and Mango Lipton Tea, but the first 2 supermarkets we went to didn't carry them anymore. 

And similar to the time when my favourite muesli went out of production, how I constantly gave up looking down the cereal aisle by the second time I couldn't find it, I did the same with the tea by the second supermarket we went to. 

But friends like Jodie, they are the ones that drag my hand down the cereal aisle and constantly tell me, "you can find it if you look hard enough. Let's just try walking down the aisle one more time." Keep looking, keep trying.  

By the third supermarket we went to, obviously defeated, I didn't expect much when we walked down the tea aisle. Just like how I expected it to be, the tea wasn't there. "Out of production la," I said. "It's sad how you take these things for granted. You think that they would be in your life for a little longer, but then suddenly one day you come back for it but it's gone. For good." I scoffed a bit, and laughed at how things could become so deep so quick over our fricking favourite tea going out of stock. 

Then suddenly Jodie excitedly shouted for me, "Look! The new tea is on sale!" You see, Jodie and I LOVE aesthetically pleasing packaging on food, and when visiting the tea aisle in 2 different supermarkets, we noticed this new range of teas that Twinnings released, and wanted to try them. But we didn't let go of the hope of finding the peach and mango tea and the new twinnings tea were slightly out of our budget, so we joked and said, "buy when it goes on sale." 

We quickly grabbed the new twinnings tea and got all excited to try the new tea. I turned my head to the direction where all the Lipton tea boxes were arranged at and I told Jodie, "I guess this is life telling us when one door closes, another will open up. See? Like better tasting tea and more aesthetically pleasing packaging will come to us. ON SALE SOMEMORE!!!!" 

She laughed and told me, "So sometimes you gotta let go of things that might never come back, despite it being your favourite. And for all you know, there'll be better things waiting for you just around the corner, like this tea! Just search hard enough and be patient." 

#mcnuggetsofwisdom attained from going to the supermarket thrice in a day searching for tea.

Also, I guess it's like what they always say?? Third time's a charm. Ha.

4. 

Hearing from someone that you have been missing is always pleasant. It's been a while since there has been nothing but well wishes and honest words. It is everything I miss and it's nice to know that they still care about how you've been doing and cannot be happier when you've achieved something so great with their help. 

CONCLUSION. I

Tonight just further emphasised how it has always been you. 

CONCLUSION. II

It has been a rough start to my day, with Mum and Josh leaving, crying on my bed watching the small uber car icon on google maps move slowly away from me on my phone. Rachel, you always love to set yourself up in situations to make yourself feel even worse , Jodie always tells me. However, the evening had a wonderful turn to it and I found myself tearing up because of all the love I've been receiving from everyone and how everything seems to be finding its place here and there. It's not quite right yet with things, but baby steps right? 

If people have that much faith in me, I guess I should start believing in myself a little bit more. 

Here goes nothing -deep breaths-